I walk into the arena and immediately get overwhelmed by the festive atmosphere around me. I couldn't help but get teary eyed as I realize how much I miss this-- the games, the lights, the competition, the crowd.
HER.
I stop in the middle of the alley as I stared at her for a moment as she was busy doing her drills and warm ups with the entire team. I want to approach her and wish her luck but the cold steel separating us is a clear reminder that I am now just part of the crowd.
So, this is how it feels. This is what we have feared for during my last playing year in UAAP, the need to let go as I move on with a new stage in my life. She herself said that in her interviews, that she is happy for me that I am now starting the next step in reaching my dreams.But now, being here, I felt so detached from her, when all I want is to be beside her.
To hold her hand or pat her back, anything to assure her that everything will be ok. That we're in this together. That everytime she jumps, I will always be ready behind her.. To catch her and protect her. But all of those are now part of the past.
I hold on to the steel barrier that separates her and scream her name
"Ly!! Ly!!"
Who am I kidding? With the thousands of people in the arena screaming her name, my voice is quickly drowned out.
I sighed in frustration as I start to walk to find my seat. But then her head whips up as if looking for someone in the crowd. My breath hitches in my throat as I whisper in my head "I'm here baby, just like the old times" I smiled despite knowing she wont hear me.
She stood in the center of their court, hands squared on her hips, lips purses, forehead creased, as she continued scanning the crowd. And, at the right moment, our eyes met.
I gave her a crooked smile and mouthed "goodluck" and she smiled at me with all the tenderness in her eyes.
I knew she was scared and I hated this feeling of not being able to hold her hand. I secretly cupped my right hand and tapped it over my heart 3 times, never losing eye contact.
"One Big Fight"• "Heart Strong"• "I love you"
3 phrases that I want to tell her, to let her know that everything will be ok. Win or lose, I will always be proud of her.
She gives me a wide grin and turned to her side to check if any of her teammates are looking at us, and then she placed her right hand over her heart. To some, it seemed like she was touching the Philippine flag proudly emblazoned on her chest.
But I knew, that was for me, her subtle "I love you too", a simple gesture but was the loudest scream she could send to me far back into the rafters of this arena. I gave her my trademark "peace out" sign, sending her laughing and shaking her head, and I proceeded to my seat.
I take a deep sigh, wanting so much to be with her. When the first whistle blew, I silently said a prayer for her safety.
I could see how she struggled during the games. They was a certain level of frustration in her eyes everytime the libero would not have sufficient coverage when she gets blocked. I, myself, found myself jerking feeling myself being pulled by the action in the court. Disappointed that I am just a spectator when I could do much more to help her there.
They lost the first set and again I said a prayer for her and the team. Give her strength Lord, keep her safe.
They were now on the side of the court closer to where I was seated and I could see her better. Her usual smile was no longer there.
And then the dreaded thing happened. She went up for a block and fell to the floor, which is common, except that she didn't stand up immediately. I saw her still down and whincing in pain, clutching her right hand to her chest.
Shit! I cursed as I stood up from my seat.
NO. NO! Come on Ly! I was frozen in my spot. I felt so helpless being out here instead of hugging her. Damn this! I tried to get off my seat but my mom held my hand
"She would be ok"
I looked at her for assurance and she slightly nodded her head. "Ly is a brave girl, don't worry"
I bit my lips as I tried to hold back the tears. I watched as she staggered to get on her feet, as she tried to shake off the pain, but I could see she was hurt.
"please Lord.." I repeated over and over again. I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the game as I teared up everytime I would see her grimace in pain.
They won the third set, and bringing this game the full length to a 5-setter would be a dream match, but I wanted none of that. I don't care if they lost quickly, I just want this game to end quickly so that they can tend to her injury.
The game ended at 4th set. While I was sad that they lost, I felt relieved that her pain was over.
I immediately ran down to the first row, as close as possible that I can get to her.
"Ly!!! Ly!!!" I screamed along with ten thousand fans, but she turned around and immediately saw me. Running all the way from across the court, she reached me, but we were again reminded of our separation. She the star, and I her biggest fan.
We both stepped on tiptoes to reach each other through this physical barricade and the moment she was in my arms, I could breath again. She kissed me on the cheeks and I hugged her tight, it lasted just a few seconds but finally, everything in my world was right again.
She rushed back to court to bow to the crowd and then ran to the dug-out with the team. Unlike before, I can't join her there. I tensely wait outside until she comes out again with news about her injury.
15 minutes after, the rest of the team has already gone out except for her. I search for her, but I know she's still backstage doing the presscon which is part of her duties as team captain. I couldn't help but smile with so much pride as to the things she has achieved.
I saw her coming out after a while and she looked so tired and down. I wore my VIP ID as I quickly made my way to the exclusive team players area. I couldn't get to her fast enough and I whizzed through the other players throwing pleasantries but I was rushing to get to her.
She was in the middle of the second row and I was in the middle of the first row. I stepped up on the seat so that I can reach up to her and embrace her, and she met me halfway.
"How's my superstar?" I teased, holding her injured hand in mine.
She sat down, still feeling sad from their loss and I leaned up to kiss her again, this time near her lips, and finally I saw her break into a smile.
"How bad does it hurt?" I asked, examining her thumb.
"It's ok now" she smiled at me as she clasped our hands.
"I missed you in court.."
"I did too, but I loved watching you from afar." She blushed and brought my hands to her lips to kiss it. "It hurts not playing beside you, but I guess I have to get used to being part of the crowd now."
We sat there in silence as I knew that she was still disheartened with the loss. I reached up to touch her cheeks as I stoked it gently, urging her to look at me.
"I'm so proud of you Ly. You'll bounce back tomorrow like you always do."
"Will you still watch?"
"Of course! I'm your biggest fan remember?"
She smiled as she stood up, stepping over the chairs rather than going around the isle, and took the seat beside me.
She leaned her head on my shoulder as she closed her eyes, letting the events of today washout.
I kissed her forehead as I held her hands.
"I can't believe THE Dennise Lazaro is my fangirl". She smiled and leaned up to give me a quick kiss.
"I love you so much Alyssa Valdez"
"And I love you to the moon and back Dennise"
