Is it too much to ask

¿Total eclipse of the heart?

A week passed, people entered my room in the hospital, they left flowers, letters, newspapers and sometimes also some chocolates or pizza. I didn't notice them at all, all that went through my mind was that I don't deserve it.

The boys tried to come visit me almost every day but they were too busy to come. Harry hardly came to visit. Liam came once or twice a week, I haven't heard from Zayn since the first time he was here. Louis visited the most, he came to visit four times a week.

I am about to leave the hospital today. i don't want to leave, Nothing better is waiting for me out there. In fact, there is nothing waiting for me outside. Louis came to be with me today. Harry also came after he hadn't been able to visit for most of the week. I'm glad to see them but I know they won't be here much longer, I miss the days when we were like brothers. Me, Zayn, Liam, Louis and Harry. Liam and Zayn didn't come to be with me today. I haven't heard from them in a while. It hurts. All I have left is just Harry and Louis? Liam already has his own family that he loves, Zayn has someone to love, Louis is dating someone and has his own little family and Harry has found someone to be with and love. And what about me? Who will be waiting for me when I leave this place?

I don't sleep at night at all, every time I close my eyes I imagine her. The beautiful faceless woman holding me close hugs me and makes me smile. I want to give her all of me, I want to give her my heart. Then I wake up to the empty black space of the hospital, and then I remember. I'm alone.
There were times I thought I was hallucinating. that I see her next to me, looking out the window. My heart is beating hard but there is no one next to me.
I don't want it to be an illusion. I want it to be real, I want it to be mine, i want her to be mine.

The boys drive me home. I'm in the back seat so I can lie down. I stare at the ceiling of the car. My eyes are already heavy from lack of sleep and crying,I cry anyway but I cry quietly so Harry and Louis don't hear me.
All I can think about is that I'm alone. I'm lying in the car of my two best friends and I feel alone. My body is shaking from crying and I feel sick. I don't want to go through all this. i hate myself What is there to love about me?

I can't cry quietly anymore, I start to cry loudly and Louis pulls over to the side so he and Harry can help me and see what happened to me. I am unable to speak. All I manage to get out of my mouth is "I hate my life". Harry and Louis look confused, sad and worried. Harry hugs me tight and whispers in my ear that everything will be alright. Louis is still looking at me with a confused look and continues driving when I calm down.

When we got to my house Harry was the first to get out of the car to get my bags. Louis stopped me to talk to me. "Niall what happened? What's wrong with you?" That's all he said to me before he went back to looking at me with a confused and worried look. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to tell him that I hated myself, I didn't want to tell him that I feel alone, I didn't want to tell him that I just want someone to love me. But something about Louis made me feel safe. I told him, I told him everything. By his look he cares for me, he really cares for me.

"Niall, I lost my mother and my sister, I was told that I'm not good enough or that I'm not good at all. There are people trying to prove that my son is not mine, life has tried to knock me down so many times but I didn't gave up. You must not give up Niall. You have to stay strong. For me."

His words made me start crying again I don't know how he manages to stay so strong with all the evil the world has done to him.

"Niall bro, I love you so much. Please stay strong for me" His words echo in my head until I nod my head to say i promise and Louis gets out of the car to help Harry.

I stay in the car for a few more minutes. I need to be strong. For Louis, for my family, for the fans.

Louis decided to stay at my place to watch over me. I love him so much. Harry left around 10pm.

Louis called me the to eat, He sat next to me on the couch in the living room and asked me how I was feeling, I know he means what I told him earlier today but I ignore it. Suddenly Louis pulls me into a long hug and whispers in my ear "I love you brother, I'm always here for you. I'm sorry that nothing about your behavior seemed strange or different to me until now. I'm sorry nothing seemed alarming to me until now I should have noticed it before you got hurt."

I start to cry, I look at Louis. Maybe Louis is everything I've been looking for? I love him, I really do. But maybe more than a friend?
I move closer to Louis and I lean forward to kiss him. I kissed Louis. My Best Friend. I kissed him.
Louis looked confused. He didn't say anything except "I'm sorry but..." I didn't let him finish the sentence. "It's okay Louis" I told him. "I don't know what's going on with me."  In fact, I've never been so defenseless before that moment with Louis. But there is so much to lose. I just wanna be loved.

Louis went to get ready for bed. And I stayed on the couch I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it .It felt so good to finally let it all go.
At least one thing is certain. I'm not gay. The kiss with Louis might have been good but it didn't feel right. Why did I even did that? Louis must hate me now, or he's afraid of me.  It's not  going to stay the same as it was.

I take my phone out of my pocket and go to Instagram. I have a lot of messages from fans wanting to know if I'm okay and fans wishing me a speedy recovery. There are a lot of posts about what happened, they all say that I deliberately ran into the road when the car was going in my direction. My fans protect me, But isn't that true? After all, I saw the car moving in my direction, I didn't have to run to the road. I wanted to do it. It was my choice.
I have a lot of messages from my friends who want to know how I feel. I don't answer messages. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I just close the phone and put it on the table in the living room and close my eyes. everything will be better in the morning after I talk to Louis right? This thought echoed in my head until I fell asleep on the couch in the living room.