Xiao Zhan ( English version )

Author's Note

So how was it? Confusing at the beginning. Right?

When we are watching a drama the camera will zoom in to the main leads. So we know who this story is going to be about. When we are reading a YiZhan or a Zhanyi we know main characters would be Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan.

But in real life we don't know. We don't know who we are suppose to end up with. We have to interact with everyone just to find the right one.

And in that " everyone " there is a group of people who are sick upto the point they have become inhuman. I am no doctor, but I think these people are called narcissists.

Here the relationship between Yibo and that fake Xiao Zhan is a toxic relationship between a narcissist and one of his victims.

I know this story might have given you a headache at some point. Even I got a headache while writing it. But there was nothing I can do about it. I couldn't sugar-coat it. Because its the reality. This is how a toxic relationship would be like.

It will with no doubt make your life a living hell.

Just like in this story narcissists don't show their true colours at first. They will see something in you they want. It doesn't need to be something good.

For an example just assume that you have very low educational qualifications. And the narcissist would have normal level qualifications. And that would make him attracted to you.

Because while being with you he/she can be the smart one. So either good or bad they will be attracted to you because they need something from you.

First they will lure you with praises and love. They will listen to what you have to say. They will make you feel special. And while doing so they will create a a fake character of themselves in your mind.

They are so good at lying. So good at making a lie looks true. They do it very tactically. They will get a true incident of their life and will change very tiny details in that story. They will make themselves the hero or the victim in that story. But they will never look like the villan.

And it wouldn't be just you who get deceived. They are very nice especially when they are with other people that they are not very close too. Like neighbours, colleagues and friends who aren't very close.

So no one else can tell you that this person is a narcissist. Because no one else sees that. Only the victim can sees that. 

First they will brainwash your mind to think they are greatest people in this world. They would engrave in your heart that you need to be dependent on them to live.

So there will be a time that you believe they can do the best for you than you can do for yourself.

That's when they are going to show their colours. They will make you an emotional punching bag. They will take their stress on you.

Though these people look very confident from outside, but in truth they have a very low self esteem. Though they act like they are higher than everyone else, in truth they feel they are small and worthless than everyone else in the world.

So to feel like they are something important they will make you feel the opposite.

So they will begin to destroy you. They will destroy your self value, self love and self care.

" I am valuable " " I am important " " I am beautiful ".... these lines will no longer mean anything to you. You would loose the ability to say these lines with confident.

With that depression and anxiety will follow. And day by day living will be painful. At some point the pain of living will surpasse the pain of dying.

To save yourself from this hell all you have to do is let go of that person. But by then the narcissist would have make you believe that you are nothing without him or her. So in your mind, letting go is not an option for you.

So you would wait. Wait till your pure, unconditional love make that man/woman love you back.

But it will never happen.

I wrote this story because I had something to say. This narcissistism I have explained above maybe something very obvious to you. Maybe you already know everything I have said. But there are so many people who doesn't know about this. Who haven't even heard the word " narcissists".

I have read many people writing about their experiences. But it seemed lot's of them don't understand what had happened to them.

So I wrote this story for them. For the ones who doesn't understand what happened to them or what is happening to them.

What I have to say is that you don't need to live like this. You are not suppose to live like that. You are not different than anyone else. You are just as valuable as any human being is.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to hear beautiful words , to see beautiful places. You deserve to be treated with kindness. You deserve to be treated like a miracle bestowed upon this earth.

And anyone that treat you otherwise is someone that does not deserve to be part of your life.

Love is good. Loving someone unconditionally is good. Making sacrifices for someone you love is a beautiful thing.

But letting someone destroy you, letting someone hurt you and say that I let it happen because I love that person unconditionally .. Now that's not good. That's nothing to be proud of.

In this story Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan found each other in the end. But you might not be that lucky. If you spend your time on a fake Xiao Zhan then you might miss your true Xiao Zhan.

So this is what I wanted to say.

( If you are more interested in knowing this " narcissistic " topic just Google it. It's not that uncommon. And it doesn't have to be a lover. The narcissist could be your parent, spouse, friend or colleague...... )

LanLoveXian