Failure

Chapter 6: The End of Heartache

March 14th, 2020. The first day of lockdown. It was really weird seeing my city looking like a desert. But it is, what it is. All of my college classes were shifted to online classes. To be honest with you, learning should be done face-to-face. But for me, I couldn't care less. I enjoyed being at home and learning from home. It was my last term before I can finally get out of this course, and I'm wanting to get it over and done with.

I enjoyed it because firstly, I just loved being at home. I just like it. Sometimes I can't be bothered to go out and meet people. And I can just do more things when I'm at home. Secondly, I don't have to travel to college every day. Out of my budget, most of my money went towards me traveling to campus. Now I can wake up 5-minutes before class, and still be on time. Thirdly, I can play games during class. I just feel like the class is boring at times. But I really couldn't care less if I'm honest with you. I had to take three more subjects before I'm done with this course. I had to do another

painting subject with Mr. S again... but I think we're finally ok with each other. Followed by another sort of arts and craft class again, and finally, my final year project. Now, this final-year project was a pain in the arse for me. I needed to create something and sell it to the public. I'll be honest, I was shitting myself. I thought that for me to pass, I needed to make as many sales as possible. You know, me, I'm horrible at painting, drawing, and designing, so what the fuck am I meant to do? but I just stayed calm, and just went with the flow. I guess I was overthinking because it was my final term.

For my final design project, I just needed to come up with products to sell. I knew that I can use photography to my advantage. I can use my pictures to make things such as coasters, books, and keychains. It might not be the best, but I just wanted to show the effort to my lecturers.If I remember correctly, for my arts and design class, I think I needed to make something out of materials that were accessible to us. Especially being in lockdown, all the shops were closed, so getting things was quite tough. I remember I create an architecture piece out of styrofoam. I think I wanted to replicate the pyramids of Egypt if I'm not mistaken.

For my painting class, I had to paint something on a canvas. I remember that I needed to show my sketches first to Mr. S. Well, he didn't say anything bad about my work, but he did reject my work once. But the second time, he accepted my sketch. I remember we had to sort of replicate an artist's style. This subject was quite challenging for me, but for the first time, I just wanted to end it with a bang. I was just motivated because this was my last term. So I decided to just give it my all. To be honest with you, Mr. S gave me positive feedback on my work. He gave me feedback on what needed to be improved and I just work on it.

Coming into the final weeks of the course, I was done with 2/3 of my subjects. Just needed to wait for my grades. I should have finished my term in July, but one subject ate up into our holiday time. It was the final design project subject. It took a while to finish because of how many times we needed to show our lectures our work and progress. If I remember correctly, we finished by the first week of August. That subject took a toll on my mental side. But I knew that I put in enough effort just to pass.

Two weeks later, I got my final results. I manage to get borderlines C's for three of my subjects. It was a proud moment for me. Especially doing things a week I did not like. At least in my next course, I'm able to showcase more of my talents. If I were to give a rating of my overall experience, I would give it a 5/10. The positives included me meeting people who help me during my course. Especially to my group mates and some of the lecturers who had to put up with me. I know that I had moments where I just produced shit work, but somehow, they were more than happy to entertain me. The negatives included myself just having tough times in most of the subjects. Especially with drawing and painting. Just glad that I won't have to do any of that in my diploma.

I always ask myself this. How the fuck did I pass my cert? I still am confused about how did I pass. I told myself "sod it, I passed." But I guess there's something I learned about myself. I have come a long way in my journey. If it was me back when I was in school, to be honest with you, I would have given up straight away. I gave up easily. There're certain things that I would give up on. Whether that's me not completing a video game, a film, etc, I guess the important shit is the most the one I do not give up on. Even my GCSEs, fun fact, it took me four times before I decided to call it quits with maths. I knew that maths is not for me, so I had to accept that I'm not good at maths. We are all human. We can't all be good at everything. If you tell me that you're good with everything, I'll tell you, you're talking a load of bollocks. I took English Language three times. What did I learn from it? The subject itself is a load of bullshit. I still don't get why they make it hard as shit. Still to this day, I get very pissed off with people who say "GCSE is fucking easy." Don't think these people lived in my shoes. In terms of the education side. They're the type of arseholes who don't study for shit, who can have that ability to score an A* without doing fuck. Respect to those guys who can study. I do respect people who can study. Putting hours into studying is not easy. I can't even concentrate for 10-minutes. And these guys can do it for hours. Hats off to them.

If I were to compare this journey to my secondary school life, two words: fucking hell. This was the first time luck was on my side you know? I knew that I would not be able to score high grades. All I knew I could do, is just try my best. That's the quote that my parents would say. "Try your best. That's all we ask for." The words stick to me. I guess you can say that college is easy than secondary school. College looks at the effort you put in. And you'll get marked based on the effort you put in. I appreciate that. At least with this course, there're some practical elements in there.

In school, I think it's a load of bollocks. They judge you based on grades. If you're shit, they're gonna treat you like shit. I'm glad that when I was in school, I had a good support system. My supervisor during the time is a fucking good guy. He dealt with me failing my subjects, followed by me doing stupid shit. My teachers in school were all class. Well, except for one or two. It's not the way they teach which failed me, it's just the way school is taught. You get some homework to do, you'll get a grade at the end, followed by an exam at the end. That's it. I feel like it's focusing more on theory than practical. I never liked any subjects in school. I hated maths, English, physics, chemistry, biology, and geography. Not because of the teachers, well, except for one subject, but just for its content. I enjoyed subjects such as PE, and DT was not too bad. The teacher was in class, media studies, and MFL (modern foreign languages).

For my GCSE, I was forced to do maths, English, and sciences. But manage to choose media studies as an elective. I needed to do a minimum of 10 subjects, but I was exempted because I had learning difficulties. I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. So simple things such as focusing were a challenge. Unless I enjoyed it, it was a different story. This kind of fucked me over in school. Dealing with a learning issue can be difficult to deal with. But I just tell myself, the past is the past. I failed one, but manage to pass MFL. Managed to get a B. To be honest with you, that was the only subject I knew I could've passed. Thanks to my passing this subject, I manage to sit for my certificate course.I had this thought. Out of 50 people, they don't cater to each person's pros and cons inside a classroom. To be honest with you, I honestly don't think I failed school because I was a lazy arse. The school was not made for me. End of. Yes, I made did some ridiculous shit. But what if they made a learning environment good for everyone? Would it change the way I looked at school? Or the way I behaved in school. I felt like they treated some people like me, like robots. They just shove you with books down your throat and expect you to learn. I even almost got kicked out of school at least 5 times. The big bosses of the school had enough of me. I even had to sit for exams for me to stay in school. I failed them, but some how I manage to continue with school. I think I was the cause that their grades were dropping. But I still give all the respect to my supervisor who stood up for me. I think out of the 100% of things I learned in school, maybe I use apply 5% of things I learned to the working life. Especially with MFL and media studies.Well, all I have to say is one chapter of my life has closed, and another adventure waits for me.