Half love, half regret- Elmax

Chapter one

Eleven
The first few days I didn't visit her in the hospital, I just couldn't bring myself to see her. The guilt of knowing it's my fault she's in the coma is always on my mind and I feel if I went to see her that I would just break down right there, Will told me what it's like there when he visited; he said the room is dull and quiet other than the sound of the heart monitor(and if Lucas reads, his voice) the room is basically empty other than where Lucas has his stuff set up next to her bed. There's also a table full of cards and gifts for her if she wakes up, Will also said if the whole party is there it's more happy and nicer to be in. But if you're just with Lucas then it's, well, sad.

Everyone is helping us move back in, we are setting up both the Byers house and hoppers cabin, but the cabin will be more of a hang out/ safe house hopper says. Hopper and I have been trying to catch up with each other, I know he's trying but I know he's not being honest with me about what happened in Russia. But, I'm also not being honest with him; I don't want him to feel worse about being gone, and I think if I told him the truth about Florida then it may be more awkward. I have a bigger room than I did before in the Byers house, well I guess it's mine now. Johnathan and will share a room now; Joyce said that I need my own room because I am a girl, I don't fully understand why but I'm happy with it! I wish I could talk to max about it because she was always so good at explaining everything; she was so patient with me and always made me feel safe with her, max was just so nice to be around, she just made me so happy. Now every time I think of us I start to cry or what Will calls panic attacks, I wish I could tell him but he would see me as a monster, and now I don't think it's entirely wrong when people call me that.

I ruined maxs life.

3rd person
The byer-hopper family had planned on going to the hospital, there was many different reasons but for el it was to see her best friend, max; as the family went their different ways in the hospital it was just the kids together. Will and Jonathan walking ahead of el, she was holding a bag full of things she thought it would be rude if she didn't bring things for max. Once they got to maxs room both boys walked in and joined the other party members(Lucas, Dustin, Steve, Nancy, Robin, mike, and Erica). Eleven stoped at the entrance to the room, her heart pounding, her hands shaking, her head racing; she took a deep breath, the sound of the party's laughing and talking swam in her head mixing with her horrid thoughts. Her mind screaming at her yelling the truth of what she was.
Finally she walked in.

She walked over to the empty seat next to Lucas, who was just watching her. Once sat she looked at maxs sleeping face; she smiled, after months of not being able to see eachother in person, though not in the best circumstances it was still nice. Placing the bag in the middle of her and Lucas she reached for maxs hand; now out of the casts, both leg and arm being taken off only days before. She held her hand. It was rough but soft, it was also paler from not being in the sun for months, her hands had lost weight from not moving so it held a little small in els hand. Eleven could feel the tears fill her eyes, she tried to avoid maxes face now because when she look at her el only saw her in Lucas's lap, blood drooling down her face, mixing with her fear and tears. The way her hand laid limp and weak in els hand, and the way el could feel the broken bones in her wrist. El closed her eyes trying to leave reality go anywhere but here. Her plan failed though because will tapped her shoulder "el? Are you okay?" When she opened her eyes everyone was staring at her, she felt embarrassed. Looking down " I'm fine." She deadpanned Will sighed next to her whispering "okay". Everyone then returned to their conversations; again el left into her own world far away, a world where she had saved max, a world where 001 was dead and forgotten. It became clear that the more she went into this world in her head the more she felt sick with herself, that she didn't kill 001, that max her best friend, laid in a coma with almost no chance of waking up, that Hawkins was destroyed in some places, and decaying from the barrier being broken between the upside down. El opened her eyes and sighed looking at max; she hated what she had done to her but when she looked around the room, seeing everyone laughing and talking having fun, she too felt more at ease knowing that she was not alone anymore, that max had all these people for her. El hoped max could hear them and was laughing as well.

They had been there a few hours. Everyone had left by now, leaving Jonathan, Will, Lucas, and el. The room fell to a stiff silence, Will now sat on the couch behind el and Lucas while Jonathan stood leaning on the wall across from them all. Eleven looked in between her and Lucas again to reach for the bag she had brought, picking it up looking through it she pulled out nail polish, pink and purple nail polish; el and max liked to paint their nails matching colours before she had left; so el thought she would do her favourite colours today. Placing them on the bed she then pulled some qutips and top coat out, el could feel all the boys staring at her. She couldn't tell what kind of stares they were but at this point she didn't care, she was bored and wanted to do something she knew her and max both liked; normally they would be watching a movie(they weren't really watching) and talk about people or random stuff, max used to do this thing where she only used too coats with glitter in them she said "it made everything prettier" el always hated how the glitter felt but for max she let it slide.

The room filled with the toxic fumes of the polish, eleven took her time on every nail wanting it to look nice, she wanted pink on the left side and purple on the right, she would have the opposite. Lucas still just stared at her feeling his eyes glaring a hole into her skull and brain, her thoughts got worse and she started to try and make herself smaller, but that was hard when she was painting maxes nails.

"Why are you doing that?" Lucas asked he seemed annoyed. When el looked up at him they made eye contact, he had eyebags and just a scowl on his face, he looked older " because max liked to have her nails painted." El now gaining little confidence she had left from inside her, Lucas didn't reply just moved to look at max; so el continued. Once done the left side el stood to move around the bed, again eyes followed her as she did. Will stood up from his spot "I'm hungry, does anyone wanna come get food with me?" Will was polite like normal, Jonathan nodded and both him and will huddled at the door "Lucas you should come with us, max will be fine with el." Will said you could hear him swallow after he finished, Lucas just stood up and followed them out.

El closed the door from where she was sitting(crouching??) she wanted to say something she just didn't know what, where does she start? How can she talk to max if she can barely look at her? Questions being all she can think about; el went on auto pilot for painting maxes nails. By the time she finished the thumb Eleven decided she would just speak, word vomit if you may.

"Hi max," her voice was soft and sad, even weak "I've missed you. A lot" El laughed dryly after that, her eyes now moving to maxes face; standing up now her hand fell into maxes cheek " I'm sorry I failed you." Tears falling onto the bed and down her cheeks "It's so hard without you. Even in Florida, it was not like you said it would be. I mean other than the ocean, I liked the ocean a lot. You were right about that," now sobbing she sat next to max and laid her head on maxs chest, moving the hand on her face to hold maxs hand again " I should have told you how much I love you max, now that you're gone, my life is so lonely and sad. I hate life without you, and I-I just don't know how to react to that." El sighed still sobbing her tears making a wet patch on maxes gown, she then looked up at max again; her hand again moving up to maxs face, pushing her ginger hair behind her ear. El moving her face closer to maxs, she felt the slow breathing of max on her nose. El closed her eyes and moved over a bit kissing the side of maxes mouth.

she whispered slowly " I love you max."