Half love, half regret- Elmax

Chapter two

El's pov:

I visit max everyday now, though I still do not try to go inside her mind again, in fear. I know that it is stupid of me to be scared of don't be something that is second nature to me. But, after all that happened and then her mind being a endless void of nothing; I just can't take it. It just reminds me of how much I failed her, about how she trusted me, about how she has always been so sweet and loving to me, even if I did not deserve it. I do have this little thought in my mind that keeps making me go back to see her, It's a small one but it is the only positive thing in my mind and has been for weeks.
"What if I can't see her because she's in the coma?"
I know it's very dumb; but I've never tried to go into someone's mind when they are in a coma, and maybe after the big fight her mind is so tired that I can not see her.

I've started to read to max, I found that Lucas choose books that he liked not ones max liked, she would ever read some of the books he had choose. So, I've been reading some of our favourite comics and some other books like Nancy drew; I choose books that have lead girls because max always found that those books/movies were better, she used to say "girls are so much better than boys at everything, that's why men try to stop us." I agree with her. Before I didn't fully understand what she meant but now I think I do, and she's right about it. Lucas always try's to fight me on reading, saying that I am "copying him." or "max wouldn't like that." Lucas is wrong though I know max doesn't want to listen to Lucas read about some man saving the day again, all the things Lucas reads are the same book over, and over again.

As well, I also have started making little gifts for max, Steve is teaching me how to knit; I didn't know what it was before I saw him doing it while watching max, Steve likes to make little hats for a teddy bear max has next to her. I have made max some flowers, ones that we used to pick in the woods when she slept over; peony, tulip, and dahlia, the dahlia is the one I am working on right now. It is also maxs favourite. I want to make max a teddy bear but Steve says that it takes practice so I should try easier things first. I also use the knitting to help with me powers I try to knit with them, it hasn't been working out but I am using Steve's advice for this as well. The doctors say max has the busiest room on the whole floor, that she is very lucky to have people in her life like us; only if they knew what I have done to her. Every time I hear the doctors talk about her, it's always the same.
"She isn't getting better." "How are we supposed to help her if there's no money for us."
The doctors aren't my favourite. They complain and are very scary, I don't trust doctors; all they have done is hurt me so I'm scared they will hurt max. But Will says the doctors that hurt me are far away from max. Being here with all those doctors reminds me of my sister, kali. About how we killed that man, even if she said he deserved it I still have guilt following me around. I've been getting nightmares of him and his kids; to be honest I've been having more nightmares than normal. Before I could get a little bit of sleep but now I don't sleep at all, I wake up in a deep sweat, my breath uneven and shaky, my panic attacks have also worsened. I have them a lot; but sometimes if I sleep in maxs room or just even in there, it gets better. I think being in her presence I calm a bit. My mind thinks that its me being selfish and ungrateful; that I can be at peace around her even though I am the one that put her into the coma, it was me who failed her; that let 001 get to her, it was me who thought it was okay to act as if the upside down was gone. I think about that moment we had, when I first piggybacked to her. How shocked she was, in that moment I felt happy to see her after months away. Even though she and I were in danger; I was so happy. Happy to know that she was okay, max was still alive, that we had a chance. But I failed her, I should've listened to papa. He was right I was weak, I was weak and it shows in max.

Mike. I am still mad at him. I know he went to save me and I am grateful for that. But, while he had this awesome, funny story; I was reliving the worst time of my life, I was being put to my maximum. With tests and hours spent working; even his speech about his life starting when he found me. I think he's forgotten that I was running for my life, and that my brother was in the upside down. Mike has it so easy but her acts as if everything is so hard in his life, that he too has been a monster; Mike likes to bring up the years he was bullied, that if it wasn't for me he would still be getting bullied. I don't like when he brings it up because it makes me think what was happening to me back in Florida wasn't bullying; that if I stand up to myself it's wrong. Even though I know what I did was bad but so was me hurting his bully's, so I don't understand why he was so mad about me doing what I did to Angela. He makes me feel worse and worse every time I see him, Mike makes me unhappy, sad even. He just shows me all the reasons I am a monster.
I wish he could just give me some space, just so I can think about how to save max.