Half love, half regret- Elmax

Chapter seven

Elevens pov

I've been avoiding everything and everyone. I don't leave my room, and anyone who try's to come in just gets shut out more. It's been what feels like months of endless pain. Like I am back in that room facing every emotion and pain that has ever happened; I can't help but just lay in bed not doing anything that makes joy, I lay and I lay, becoming one with my bed replaying all my life over and over again, everything I've done wrong stabbing my mind like a housewife killing her husband. I let my brain suffocate alive. I think about Mike, I think about all he has given, and all he has taken. I think about hopper, the pain I have forced him through, and the small joys too. I think about will, how he understands me and never gives up on me, I think about how I am the reason he was in the upside down. But, most of all, I think about max.

Max.

I think about how she showed me what it is to feel alive, to break rules and not give a shit. I think about about how she was caring and funny; no matter how bad her life got she still made time for me.
I think about how I am the reason she can't see, how she is barley walking now, how she is learning a whole new language. I think about how I haven't visited her in weeks because I am scared. I am scared because of what Lucas said, I am scared because my love for her is not what I thought it was. I fear that how I loved Mike is very different from how I love Max. I love max like how I love the sun; I love the sun for its warmth, for the way it lights up a room, how it makes her glow above the valleys, I love the sun for her amazing ups and downs, that even when she explodes she can still put herself back together, I love the sun because she gives the earth meaning; a reason for life.

I love max like I love the sun.

This keeps me up at night. I dreams of her. I see us walking at dawn in a valley of peace, in its soil sunflowers, daisies, and trees grow, it has a river walk through it, shallow and full of toads, rocks, and small fish. Max takes off her shoes, she ushers me to join her in the shallow river; she kicks water at me soaking my pretty purple dress, she dances and giggles, max looks like a goddess. The sun making her glow with the will of all of the gods.
I bend down to take off my shoes, then the laughing stops, the river turns a livid red. All life in the valley drowns in death, it screams and cry's for her. I look up to see nothing if my lover, I slip into the river; My knees bleed upon where she once stood, I let out ear bleeding scream, I pick up the water and bring it to my chest, the red flowing down my arms, tinting my soul with her trauma. I drop my arms to the side let my head drop, my tears join the bloody water. I cant feel her, all signs of her being gone. Forever a dream, I feel myself go crazy. The insanity of life being taken away breaks my world.

The stones beneath me start to shake, grumbling from the inside; I try to crawl back to gray death ridden valley, just for very thing to fall. I scream until I feel my vocal cords be ripped from inside me, tearing from the abuse I have made. I fall watching the sad valley grow farther and farther away, I see my life fly away with that valley. The void is black, endless. Like ive fallen into the dream masters lair, I fall, and fall, and fall.

Slowly the pressure of the void starts to have its toll on my body; I look to my left, I see my fingers be torn from my palm, there's no blood, just muscle and tendons that hold on to the torn fingers, I feel the same thing happen to my right. Slowly this process happens to the rest of my arms and legs, I am left with a torso and head. My vision goes pale, I see nothing at all. I think it's over but that goes as soon as I see them.
In the distance stands max and Mike, both walk toward me. The quiet that once was bleeding from the void now killed by their terror, the yell and cry at me, they tell me my fears. As they walk closer I see that it is only their skin that is left. Eye-sockets empty, mouths teethless, boneless.

In unison they scream, a scream that make my ears bleed my brain, melt my teeth, and run away with my soul.

" you did this! You made us just like you, a monster!".

**
I awake.

I am cold, sweaty, shivering, and alone. This dream haunts my dreams and my living. But, a part of me believes I deserves this hell, that this is my destined life. Then there's the part of me that believes if I let this win all of my other victories would be for nothing, all I've seen and done would've been for nothing; that the fight( I am still fighting) should've ended from the beginning with me giving up. This battle I have going on is all I think about, it makes my day spin and slow, it truly is a confusing battle that I debate doing every morning. I think about seeing my family maybe talking to them, but then again, why should I bother them with my problems when they have their own? It is an endless cycle, I just wish that I could see max. because, I know she would understand. That she would care and never hold this against me.

Maxs pov

Eleven has yet to be heard from. Each day I grow more and more inpatient for her, I long for her, I need to know if she's okay. I try to pry anything out of anyone, but the answer is always the same.

"She's fine, you need to stop worrying about others and worry about yourself."

Useless all of them! Why do you think I am working so hard? So that I can go home? I don't have a home! These people, eleven, she is my home! And without her I can never truly feel safe with a big whole in my house! Joyce, hopper, Jonathan, Nancy, will, Mike. All act like she is a ghost when around me, they act as if she never was here, like she was a weird phenomenon. And don't even get me started in Lucas. He too has been showing up less and less, becoming more distant. I know he knows something, I can tell because of how he can't look at anyone; especially the Byers/hoppers. There's a something they are hiding and I will find out!

The doctors say that I've made 'amazing' process, that if I keep this up I should be able to leave within two months and that my sessions should be brought down to three days a week, now that I can walk with a cane/walker. But I still need someone with me because I am still blind and can't see shit; just big blurred blobs. But, there's an up to it I can look outside for 4 minutes n 30 seconds before I need to look away/ put on sunglasses/ close the blinds. On a upper, upper note, I got to open a bunch of gifts and cards! From teachers, classmates(ew), and friends. I've gotten Braille books for beginners, a walkie-talkie, and a new walk man(courtesies from Steve)! I think we all know what one was my favourite. I do love them all through, but that's one gifts, my favourite card is from el. I got will you read it to me, he insisted that it was only us and I am thankful for that; because by the end of her card we both where sobbing, basically holding each other.

Her letter was just so emotional and true, even with her limited spelling and vocabulary. Eleven I think wrote the card of the centuries. I wish she was the one to read it through, but even with wills manly voice; I could still hear hers from the writing. I could see her writing it, listening to her favourite mixtape, her desk messy and full of crushed up practice cards, I could see her.  concentration face, biting on her lip turning it white, face tilted to the left but only a pinch, how she likes to tap her feet together when focusing on something important, how she hums to the song's subconsciously. I just see eleven being herself. Even now I miss her presence in the room; I always wait to feel it and everyday that I don't feel it, I lose hope to every see her again.

Not seeing her is giving me a reason to work harder in getting better, even if they all say I should do it for myself. I think doing it for her is much more rewarding.