Cake Oneshots Ahaha

Bandit

Plot: Cake is a bandit. He threatens to steal a crystal from a town... but the only thing he'll be stealing is the guard's heart.

There was a small town in the middle of nowhere. It had a very precious crystal located in the heart of the town, and bandits tried to steal it regularly. This is why the mayor of the town chose a guard that nobody could get past. His name was Loser, and he was incredibly strong. He could knock a door off its hinges with a single punch. But, he had a disadvantage, as everyone does. He fell for people quickly. All you'd really need to do is be pretty, and he'd let you get away with almost anything. One night, the mayor got a mysterious letter. It read...

You better have that guard protecting the crystal tonight. If not, y'all are gonna wake up without it.

Sincerely, A bandit whose name you don't need to know.

"Shit..." The mayor said, knowing bandits all too well. They always sent threats. It wasn't even scary anymore.
"Sir, what's wrong?" A scout asked, coming back after patrolling the town's perimeter.
"We gotta tell Loser he's got a job to do tonight. Another bandit's threatening us. Go tell Loser this instant." The mayor said, anger in his voice.
"Sir, yes sir!" The scout walked away to find Loser, and let him know about the bandit.

~[TIMESKIP]~

It was now night. Loser stood by the door to the building that the crystal was kept in, and looked around every now and then, to see if he could spot the bandit. After about fifteen minutes, give-or-take, Loser heard a crash. The roof of the building was made of glass, so that the sunlight could hit the crystal during the day. "Not the most convenient..." Loser thought, already running through the building to catch the bandit. He got to the room that housed the crystal, and saw the bandit. They were wearing a red suit, not something you'd expect a bandit to wear. They had bleached hair that was almost white, and when they turned around, Loser could see their bright orange eyes. Loser was blushing, so he was lucky the moon gave off little light. At least, he thought he was... the bandit could still see.
"Heh... didn't expect someone as cute as you to be guarding something so important... maybe I won't steal the crystal."
"Good... back down."
"Alright, I'll go away. But, it appears that I've still stolen something."
"And what might THAT be, bandit..?"
"Your heart, stupid~"
The bandit winked at Loser, before disappearing into the darkness. Loser reported to a scout that the bandit had left empty-handed. The scout told Loser that he had done his job, and was free to go home for the night.

~[TIMESKIP]~

The walk home was filled with thoughts. Thoughts about the bandit. As soon as Loser got home, he went straight to his room. He jumped onto his bed, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it. He hated to admit it, but he wanted to see this bandit again. Loser laid down, trying to sleep, but it just wouldn't work. He soon realized it was going to be a long night, and turned on the TV in hopes of taking his mind off the bandit. The news was on, and guess who the topic was? The bandit. Loser wanted to change the channel, but he couldn't. His eyes were glued to the screen, trying to figure out everything he could about the bandit. His name was Cake... he was notorious for stealing shiny and glittering things, because he enjoyed looking at them... man, if Loser ever catches this bandit again, he'd be stealing HIS heart. Or, at least, trying to. He had no idea why, but Cake made him feel a kind of joy he hadn't felt in years. He was funny.