The Devil In You

Fix You

Suggested listening: Fearless Soul - Fix You

-Jin... you... what... oh my God... I didn't... I couldn't...

Hwoarang softly hugged Jin tighter, at a loss for words, shocked at what his lover just revealed to him. He didn't know what to say, what to do; he was petrified. Then a profound anger, more piercing than anything he had ever felt his whole life, kicked in. If he could have the person responsible in front of him, he would have killed him without hesitation.

-It's... it's alright, you're here with me now, you're safe.

Jin talked through sighs and tears. -I don't... I don't feel safe. Not even in your arms, I'm sorry, I am. I'll never be safe anymore. You saw how I reacted to your... to your... you saw how I reacted. My mind and my body don't want me to feel safe any longer. You should just dump me, Hwoarang, I'm a wreck, I'm a sinking ship.

-Are you out of your mind? Why should I dump you? Because things get tough? Because there's a huge problem to be solved? Or because I can't make love to you? Or touch you? Jin, I would wait all eternity for you to be ready again. Hell, I would never touch you again if it came to that, just to be near you and love you from afar, even if it would kill me. I will never stop telling you: you are my soulmate. The love of my life. I'm not abandoning you now that you need me the most. If you will feel like talking about it, I will be all ears, and only if you'll ask me, I will talk back. If you don't want to go into it with me ever again, it's perfectly okay all the same, I don't need to know the details if you don't feel like sharing. Everything you need, anything you want, I'll be here. Under one, unique condition.

-Condition?

-You have to see a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, or even better, both. I am many things, Jin, but I am not a specialist. And you need one.

-Perfect, so other than the stigma of having been to prison, the Mishima Zaibatsu CEO will also have the stigma of being nuts and needing a shrink.

-You're forgetting the stigma of being gay, here. Hello? Since when Jin Kazama gives a double shit about what people think about him? The frayed, hot-headed one was me, last time I checked. Or should I remind you a couple episodes?

-I don't know. Do these things really help? Talking about what happened will be hard enough, what if it's all for nothing?

-It won't be for nothing. It works. It takes time, and hard work on yourself, but it does the trick. And if you should need some pills to pass through the hardest times, so be it, no shame in that either. It's an aid, an help, temporary or not, depending on what you need. But you have to make the first steps.

-Hwoarang... how comes you know so much about this? It's not your typical area of expertise, if you get what I mean.

The Korean stood in silence for a couple of minutes.

-Hwoarang?

-Yes, sorry. I was thinking. Remembering. My mother... she was raped when I was 6. In front of me, by a drunk policeman. I just stood there, petrified, looking at my mother while she cried and begged me to look away. But I couldn't. From that day on, she was never the same. We were very poor, you see, we lived in a poor neighbourhood and she certainly couldn't afford therapy. She went on talking like a robot, moving like a robot, looking into nothingness most of the time. There was a time she seemed to be getting better. I was happy for her. But then, everything returned back to the new normal. You see, my mother didn't just 'die'. She killed herself. I was the one to find her. That day, I swore I would learn how to fight and defend innocent people like her and sought for Baek. And the clandestine fights... I don't know what the gang did with the money and I didn't care. But my share, I always went to the women shelter in town, and searched for the ones who couldn't afford therapy. There was one, Chae-Yeong, I stayed in contact with by her will, and after a couple of years of therapy she was doing so much better we cried together, hugging. I remember her fondly. So, this is how I know. First-hand. Will you at least try? Not for me, but for yourself?

Jin tilted his head. -I promise I will. I will search for the best specialists in the matter. I understand that, no matter what happened, I'm still privileged. I would dishonour your mother's memory by refusing to go. I owe her this much. And I owe me this much. To try.

-Attaboy.

-Hwoarang... how come you never told me all this?

-It's not exactly conversation material. And I guess I didn't want to sound like I was gloating or something. I am not, trust me. I remember each and every one of those women: Dal-Rae, Ari, Sook-Ja, Ji-Min, Yeong-Ja... and they all stung like a big needle, knowing what they went through. They all carried a piece of mother to me. It hurt. It hurts. That's why.

-I respect that. And I was wrong, you know?

-Mmh?

-You are a nice man. A good man. You just don't want to show it. The bad boy act is cooler, eh?

-I have a reputation to defend, Jin.- he giggled.

-Hwoarang?

-Tell me.

-Can you... kiss me?

-Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you or make you feel unsafe, I...

-Kiss me.

Hwoarang sat beside Jin, sweetly tilting his head from his chin to his side; with the most gentle movements of his lips, he started kissing Jin, slowly. It was Jin himself who, taking Hwoarang's jaw cupped in his hands, started accelerating the pace and twirled his tongue around his lovers', in a kiss that grew always more and more passionate although sweet and, somehow, caring.

-I will feel safe again.

-And I'll be waiting for you.