The Devil In You

If I Go, I'm Going

Suggested listening: Gregory Alan Isakov - If I Go, I'm Goin

Hwoarang didn't wake up for his dinner, and his dinner became his breakfast the morning after. His head was hurting from the drinking of the day before, and Jin was staring at him from the other side of the bed.

-Morning.

-Hey. Morning, I guess. My head is killing me.

-No one to blame but yourself, Hwoarang.

-I know, no need to remind me, trust me on that.

-Trust you? I'm starting to question my trust.

-And where does that come from, now?

-Yourself. You kept saying you're a liar yesterday, before falling asleep.

-Jin, I was drunk as fuck. You can't possibly listen to the mumblings of a drunk.

-In vino veritas, Hwoarang.

-I didn't drink any wine as of late.

-Don't play with fire. I'm not in the mood.

-Fine, but I was probably just saying random things. Don't read too much into that.

-If you say so. When you change your mind about it, you know where to find me.

Hwoarang jumped off the bed and closed himself into the bathroom, his heart pounding into his chest. "Perfect. Not only I drink too much, I also talk too much now. Jin won't take this for an answer, he wants the truth. But the truth is a fucking ticking bomb". He took a couple of painkiller pills from the medicine cabinet and swallowed them to stop the head from aching that much and think clearly. He waited for them to kick in while taking a shower, then he sat on the stool beside it, head in his hands. "Things could have been so simple, and I fucked them up spectacularly. The more I wait, the worse it gets. I have to tell him the truth, today. No matter the consequences".

He went out of the bathroom and Jin was still staring at him as soon as he did.

-I think I will come downstairs for lunch. I feel strong enough.

-Good. It means the recovery is going better than we thought. Need some help with the stairs, though?

-We'll see. But I don't think so.

So, a little bit later, Jin finally went downstairs for the first time in almost three weeks, and, even though with some difficulty, he successfully went down the steps on his own. Hwoarang was happy to see him make so much progress, but Jin didn't seem to care much, or rather, didn't seem thrilled about it.

-Can I cook?

-Aren't you tired from all the effort you just made, Jin?

-Cooking isn't tiresome, I can make it.

-Okay, if you want to so badly. But don't tire yourself out.

-I won't.

Lunch was awkward. Jin didn't speak a single word. Hwoarang started to feel anxious about the whole situation, and as soon as he finished eating and cleared the table, he started drinking. Again. "Calm down, Hwoarang. You have to talk to him, but you have to stay calm". He wasn't drunk when he came back to Jin, but he was high.

-Jin, I have to confess something.

-And you had to drink to do it.

-I was anxious. You didn't say anything at lunch and you're acting strange.

-Because I know you have to tell me something. Big. And I'm tired of waiting.

-It's not easy to admit having failed as a human being, you know? Not everyone is as perfect as you, you know.

-I'm not, but go on.

-I fucked up. Big time. And I hope somewhere in your heart you can find a way to forgive me for what I've done.

-I still don't know what you've done, Hwoarang.

-I lied to you. More than once, about the same thing.

-About what? Is there someone else?

-Fuck no, Jin!

-Then, tell me! What can it be that's so terrible you can't even speak it?

-The treatments. I lied to you about the last session. You asked me if anything else happened that you couldn't remember. I told you nothing else came to mind. Well, that was a big, fat fucking lie. After the session, you started being in pain again, but only because of your left arm. When I came to see, your tattoo was glowing green. I asked the doctor about it, he said it was a sign the radiation was getting through to it, to the gene, that it was a good sign.

-And you didn't tell me... why?- Jin's voice was raspy and low.

-Because if you knew, you would have wanted to go through with the treatments no matter what, but you almost fucking died last time, Jin, your heart was stopping! You don't know if you would have left the laboratory alive if you continued the sessions.

-So, you thought deciding for me was right.

-No, I... I wanted to tell a white lie to...

-But it wasn't a white lie, Hwoarang. I asked you if there was anything else, and you said NO!- Jin shouted.

-Try to understand... I feared for your life, that doctor doesn't care about it, but you could...

-No, you care about yourself suffering at the sessions, that's why you didn't tell me.

-That's another factor, but you know I'm not that selfish.

-Aren't you? Then you should have told me and let me decide about my own health.

-When there's the Devil Gene around, there's just one choice for you, and you know it.

-Are you saying I forced your hand? That you lied because of me?

-In a way. Your head is harder than steel when it comes to Devil Jin, and you don't think clearly anymore. So, I had to think for two, okay? I made my choice, right or wrong, but it was my choice.

-Would you do it again, if you could turn back time?

Hwoarang didn't answer, and he couldn't look Jin in the eyes. He just stared at the floor.

-I asked you, would you do it again?

-I don't know. Probably. Yes.

-Get out of here.

-What?!

-I said, get out of here.

-And where would I go? I live here.

-No, you lived here. Go to a motel until you find an apartment, I don't care. Just get out. Go.

-You... you're joking.

-No. I want you out of my house. I'm giving you an hour. Then, your stuff goes out the window.

Hwoarang was speechless, and heartbroken. He knew Jin would have been mad at him when he'd tell him the truth, but a breakup and being thrown out from their house wasn't really what he was expecting. Moving like an android, he took his luggage and started folding his clothes into it, still not believing what he was doing. He then went downstairs, where Jin was still sitting on the tatami.

-Jin...

-Don't. Just go.

He went for the door, stopping only at the small table to retrieve his mother's photograph, holding the frame firmly in his hand; he was trying not to cry with very little results. He turned back his head for the last time, to see if Jin was looking, to tell him goodbye; but he was already gone.

And so, Hwoarang closed the door behind him for the last time, going down the steps of the little staircase and into the pouring rain.