The Devil In You

Tteokguk

Suggested listening: Damien Rice - I Don't Want To Change You

The doctor's office was full of frames with degrees and achievements, all in the name of Doctor Miura, the best psychiatrist in Tokyo and, possibly, in the whole of Japan about PTSD and sexual assaults. The armchair Jin was sitting in - he wouldn't lay down, he made clear on their first appointment - was made of red Italian leather, of expensive manufacturing, and yet some other, more anxious client had possibly scratched the surface with their nails, because the armrest was full of little cuts. Jin was so focused on those cuts, he didn't hear Miura's voice.

-Mr. Kazama?

-Yes, sorry? I was carried away for a minute.

-I said, we've been seeing each other for about a year now, haven't we? Do you feel like we made a positive impact on your life after the trauma?

-I... It's hard to say.

-And why is it so?

-Well, I haven't yet found myself in the... same situation. Not the same same situation I mean.

-Is it still so taboo for you you can't even say it?

-No. Maybe.- he made a long pause. -I still haven't found myself in a sexual encounter, or a sexual situation in this year. So, I don't know how I'd react, if I could even start... it's complicated.

-And how is your partner taking this situation? Does he add more stress?

-Not at all. He doesn't even mention anything remotely sexual in fear of hurting me or causing me a flashback. Can't really complain on that side. I know he's dying to get intimate with me, I feel so guilty about it that sometimes I fear he'd be better without me. He would be having much more fun, that's for sure.

-So... you are adding stress to the situation with your partner. This is what I leave you today with, Mr. Kazama, two questions: what am I passively doing to make the situation go round and not make another step further? What can I actively do to stop circling? Think about this, and we'll talk in another two days.

-Thank you, Doctor Miura. I will.

Exiting the building, Jin couldn't stop thinking about the doctor's questions. Maybe he had been sitting on the comfort of knowing his condition for a while. Not making any further progress was only a natural consequence of his elusion of further hard work on the matter. Everything was into his hands, he only had to try what he had avoided on purpose until that moment.

"I am not a passive man. I have never been. I have always prided myself in taking matters head on, no matter what, and I have been refusing to do so for too long. I have done so much hard work, regained so much self-esteem, understood I didn't deserve it, that it wasn't my fault... and now I am scared of the man I love the most? C'mon Jin, it doesn't make sense".

He jumped on his bike and headed home, head filled with so many thoughts. "If I were Hwoarang, this bike ride would clear my head. I envy him sometimes". When he finally arrived, he parked and entered the house. It truly felt like home, he recognised. The smells, the colours, the furniture, everything was about them and their life together. It was comforting and a warm sensation filled him instantly. He smiled.

-Hey handsome, you're home! How was the appointment?

-Fine. Got some good insight.

-Great, I'm happy about it. Now give your wife a kiss, will ya?