Anything For You

Monday, July 1st, 1985

tw talk of alcohol / toxic parents
Starcourt Mall, Hawkins, Indiana 2:27 PM

My mom's birthday was in a few days, and Eddie and I had been going strong so I invited him to the party, and he said he'd come with me to get her gift.

"what does she like? books, music, cooking?" Eddie looked around us in the department store, trying to be helpful
I sighed heavily and grabbed Eddie's hand, "she likes cooking. let's go to the cookbooks."
he stood still and pulled me back to him as I started to walk away, "hey. it's gonna be okay. I'm right here." he kissed me and I stood for a second with my eyes closed before taking a deep breath,
"you're right. it's gonna be fine."

- 3:30 PM
"Okay so we've definitely spent enough time looking at cookbooks," Eddie said, trying to ease the obvious tension that was through the air
"Maybe she wants shoes." I turned to him, exasperated
"she's your mom, how can you not know what she wants?" he chuckled
"because she doesn't even know what she wants. one time she changed her hair color three days in a row because she wasn't sure which shade of dark brown she wanted. every gift I've ever given her has ended up on the top shelf of her closet or in the spring cleaning donation box. I'd like for once, for her to end up on her side table or on her keys, the fridge, anything."
"it sounds like nothing is good enough for her"
"Exactly!"
"you know that's not on you, right?"
I sighed heavily and looked down, "I've just always wanted that. some validation that I did a good job and she's happy with me."
he took my hand and used both of our hands to push my chin up, "you bought the gifts you bought her because you love her and you wanted it to make her happy. that's all the validation you need. everything else is her problem."
I nodded, "thank you Eddie I love you."
"I love you. now let's grab whatever cookbook she doesn't have and go get ice cream."
I grabbed a Julia Child cookbook because even if she doesn't use it I will.

after we checked out we were walking Scoops Ahoy! the ice cream place in the mall, and we walked past a wedding boutique, Eddie stopped and looked at the poofy princess dress in the window and chuckled, "you gonna wear something like that on our wedding day?"
a simple joke and I was frozen. my heart raced and my spine tingled.
all I could muster was a slight chuckle.
I felt awful. I wanted to tell him I wanted to marry him, I wanted him to know how much I need him.
"Why do you always do that?" he sounded so deflated
"do what?" I swallowed hard. I knew what I was doing, but it was involuntary, I don't claim it.
"act like... like you don't want to be with me forever."
I sunk into a bench outside of the bathrooms. my worst fear was coming to fruition, my own issues and insecurities had started to make him feel the way I do.
he sat next to me, "you can tell me anything." he grabbed my hand
"I don't know what to say."
he got a little frustrated and let go of my hand, turning to face forward, cupping his nose in his hands, "maybe 'i want to love you forever' or, 'i want to be with you for the rest of your life'"
I wanted to. I wanted to shout it.
"Even when I first told you I loved you, I said I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life and you didn't say it back, not all of it. do you not want that?"
"I do" I squeaked out, "but if I say that it makes it real, and if you leave me then it'll hurt even more"
"I'm never leaving you, what are you talking about?" he turned back to me, sincerity in his eyes, and he put his hand on my back
"but how do you know that? how do you know you won't love someone more than me?"
I was crying, my eyeliner was smudging, and I was tired. tired of having this wall up, not telling him things, not letting him in.
"you're crazy." he laughed, "I've never loved anyone before how could I ever... love anyone else? you're a part of me, Blaine. I can't ever see myself without you, I want you with me always. I want you when I'm sleeping, when I'm eating, when I'm driving, pissing, taking a test, playing D&D, always and forever. I want you on mundane days and the most eventful day ever. we're supposed to be together." he wiped a tear from my eye, "I love you, and I'm in love with you."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't say it."
"you don't have to anymore. say it when you can." he kissed my forehead, nose, then lips
"I love you"
I sat and collected myself for a second then we got up and went to Scoops Ahoy!