Beautiful, Grey World (Trillie)

1

Monday, February 6th

"Cause I'm losing what's left of my dignity.
A small price to pay to see that you're happy
Forget all the disappointments you have faced
Open up your worried world and let me in."

I sung the last words of the song, putting down the guitar when I was done. It was blue, apparently. My dad told me that when he gave it to me. I like the color blue. Never seen it, but its spelled nice. That was also the reason why the guitar's name was Blue.

My boss came into the room I was in, keeping the door open by just a crack. She knew that annoyed me, but I've learned to accept that she just does that. She sat down in the chair next to mine, holding 2 cups of coffee.

"Here, made some extra on accident and thought you would want a cup." As she, Adrienne, handed me a mug, she winked, signifying that the extra coffee was not an accident. Or she was actually flirting with me. Adie couldn't be though, since we weren't soulmates.

I took a gulp of coffee, almost coughing it up afterwards. Just fucking black. Ugh. I can't stand black coffee. I glanced to my left and saw Adie giggling at me. Great. 

"Had to get you to pay attention to me somehow. I know your singing is beautiful, but you gotta work, Billie." Adie said, shrugging. I scoffed, but knew she was right. My shift started 4 minutes ago, and that might not be that long, but still. Kevin, one of my coworkers, is probably gonna be pissed at me. He hates it when people are late to something, even if its a minute late. I'm pretty sure there's a specific word for that, but I don't know it. I'm sure my soulmate does.

I've always thought about what my soulmate would be like. Pretty sure at least everyone in the world has. I've always thought they would be really smart, but in the way where they know a bunch of random facts and trivia. I like that kind of smart. I also think that they would be a attractive in a really subtle way. Like when the sun hits their face in just the right way and you just... feel something. God damn it, I wish I knew more big words. Then I could sound more romantic. Ugh.

I walked out of the break room to the registers, Kevin glaring daggers at me. "Where were you Billie?! I've been waiting for you for-" Kevin stops, looking at his watch, "for 5 minutes! What if a whole family of 7 came in while I was all alone!? Jesus Christ..." I rolled my eyes at Kevin. I've heard this speech everytime he's working with me, so I've learned to just ignore it. No family of 7 would walk into a Guitar Center at 11 am. Too early for that shit.

It wasn't too long until some guy walked into the store, making the bell ring obnoxiously and almost giving me a headache. He pretended not to notice me as he looked through the guitars he couldn't play, before seeing the bass guitars. He did that everyday, and it gets tiring sometimes. But still, it makes my day when I'm feeling bad. Mike, the name of my best friend and man currently in the store, eventually came up to the joint counter me and Kevin share, looking up and seeing me. He pretended, again, to not know I was working today, and his eyes grow wide.

"Yo! Billie, whats up! Didn't know you were working today. That's cool. What a coincidence that you're working at the same time I'm coming here, huh?" Mike said this all the time, yet it still impressed me when he did it all in one breath.

Mike looked over to where Kevin was, and his eyes lit up. I work here all the time, but Kevin was a part time worker who was put on a shift whenever a slot was available. So seeing Kevin was actually a surprise for Mike. They talked for a bit, then Mike leaned over the counter, giving Kevin a kiss. Kevin, who was always acting professional, pulled away quickly and looked around wildly, before going back to Mike when the coast was clear.

Its stupid, but I was jealous. I always was when I saw people with their soulmate, being all romantic and sappy and shit. I wanted to buy someone chocolates and roses on Valentines Day, I wanted to take someone out to the movies and then stargaze after the movie's over, I wanted to wake up with someone in my arms and see that its way too late to still be in bed but not care, I wanted someone to love.

I looked away from Mike and Kevin, realizing I was staring. I kept my eyes on a random guitar that was a lighter shade of grey than the other guitars around it. I kinda wanted it, but I couldn't buy it. If I bought every guitar I kinda wanted, the whole store would be sold out of everything and I would be broke.

"Hey! Billie, come here!" Mike snapped his fingers, bringing me out of my fantasy world where I owned any guitar I wanted. I looked to my left, seeing Mike smiling widely. "Kevin here is having a little party next weekend, and he wants to know if you wanna come!"

I knew what this was about. It was a ploy to try to see if someone at the party was my soulmate. It was obvious. Mike's been doing this since freshman year when everyone was suddenly meeting the loves of their lives, and he's still trying. It wasn't as bad as it was in high school, since back then Mike had forced me to go to literally any gathering that had over 10 people. Nowadays he only brought it up occasionally, and if I said I didn't want to go, Mike would leave me be.

I shook my head, saying that I wasn't up to it, and maybe next time. If there was a next time, I would say the same thing. I got too scared to. My other friend, Jason, met his soulmate while drunk as hell at a party and didn't remember who it was or who went to that party. I didn't want that to happen to me. After longing to meet my soulmate, I didn't want to not remember them. That's a reality I don't want to think about.

Mike nodded, his smile changing to a somber one. I know he means well, but I just don't want to go. Even if soulmates weren't a thing, I don't think I would've wanted to go. I've drained my social battery and I can't find a socket to charge it back to full. I want to be alone, but I also want affection. I hate feeling this way. I just wish I could find my love so I could get out of this rut in my life.

Mike left after another customer came in. He was annoying, but only to people he knew. He could never annoy someone if they were a stranger. Thats way too embarrassing. Mike's really fucking weird.

The rest of the day went by as any other day. People came in, if they were alone I tried to look them in the eyes and hope to see color (I never did), if they were with someone, I didn't look that much (I still hoped that maybe the person they were with was a friend), and when my shift was over, I would walk out to my car, my eyes kept low to ground, still fearful of 'what if's'. Then I would go home, put some leftovers into the microwave, browse random TV channels, realize nothing was on, eat, and finally go upstairs to sleep.

Normally, it would take hours until I could actually fall asleep, but nowadays I was tired all the time, and sleep came easy. If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pay rent, I would probably just stay in bed all day and live there forever. And also the guilt I have that, if I did stay in bed forever, then my soulmate would never see color. I don't want to be the reason that someone always sees greyscale. I wouldn't want to live a life like that, but it seems as though maybe I'll have to. At least I make some effort. I try. Thats what keeps me from feeling guilty about not making an effort to find them. Because I am doing something. Its not a lot, but its something. Thats what I tell myself at least.

I curled up beneath my covers, feeling both cold and hot at the same time. My AC is probably broken, which sucks. I'm too tired to move somewhere else or get thinner covers, so instead I just lay and deal with my temperature problems. I should've written down somewhere to fix the AC, but I was too tired and my bed was too comfortable to get out of. Sleep came easily, just like any other night. Time for about 3 hours of rest.