Fault lines

Chapter 4: Adrift

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When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.

Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

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Chapter Four: Adrift

The next day at dinner, James bounced his leg, waiting for her to appear though the doors of the cafeteria. He'd been anxious all day, wondering if he'd overstepped some invisible boundary and pissed her off permanently. He hadn't meant to be so crass, but his anger had gotten the better of him. He couldn't believe some of this shit he'd said. He hoped she hadn't taken him too seriously.

All of this 'friend' stuff was new to him still. James hadn't had a friend in years, and then all of a sudden his plane crashed and a stubborn, freckled girl had turned him inside out before leaving him high and dry. He supposed she must have been his first friend on the island, even though he'd used her just as much as she'd used him. But then there was Hugo - who was entirely different. He supposed maybe he had been his second friend. Maybe. He certainly liked the guy alright. He'd grown on him over time, for sure, and was maybe the only person who'd been kind to James without expecting anything in return. He'd also been kind when James hadn't deserved it. He wasn't used to that. People always seemed to want something, Kate included. Thinking about the way he'd treated Hugo made him ache with regret. He needed to do better, be better.

And now this whole new situation he found himself in - what even was this? Jin and Miles were probably his friends, if only due to their situation of living and working together. They got along alright, and it certainly beat being alone. But what was Juliet? In the back of his mind, he wondered what she wanted from him. Was she in the same boat as Kate, who ultimately had some unknown ulterior motive for hanging around, or was she more like Hugo, who was just a genuinely nice person looking for someone who could be just as friendly in return? He thought about the reading glasses and how she'd offered up her duffel for him to lay on. He thought about her timid smiles and the way he'd missed her company before she'd even left. She wasn't like Kate at all. At her core, despite her past, she was kind and warm-hearted. The Others made her do all that shit she didn't want to do, and he was certain that she never would have done any of that on her own. He didn't blame her for having such a hard time adapting to all this - he'd probably feel the same if he'd been stuck here for over three years. He just wished so hard he hadn't said all that stuff to her to make her think she wasn't wanted.

James knew wholeheartedly that he hardly knew what it took to be considered someone's friend. He was certainly the last person he'd want to be friends with. Yelling at them about their problems before threatening them to buck up probably wasn't a great way to approach someone you were trying to build some kind of rapport with. He may be new at this, but he definitely knew that. But despite the missteps he knew he'd made, it didn't change the fact that he felt justified in some of what he said. She needed to hear it, even if it was hard, like how she was going to have to start learning how to seek them out when she wanted company. He felt lousy about how he said it, but at least he got it off his chest.

Just as he was about to give up watching the doors, he saw her come in. She interrupted his stream of consciousness and he snapped out of it, locking eyes with her from across the room. She gave him a sad smile and a small wave before tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear and heading over to the line. He felt like he could finally let go of the breath he'd been holding. Perhaps she wasn't too mad. Perhaps all of this was going to be okay.