Fault lines

Chapter 5: Tabula Rasa

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I can't fight this feeling any longer

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow

What started out as friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show

REO Speedwagon, Can't Fight This Feeling

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Chapter 5: Tabula Rasa

Two days after his first (and undoubtedly not the last) dream of Juliet, James sat in the security station, staring absently at the monitors. If the hostiles were going to invade, now would probably be the best time to do it, because James's mind was elsewhere. He'd slept fitfully the last two nights, and he could feel the heaviness of fatigue hanging low on his brow. He could probably fall asleep now, if it wasn't for his racing heart as he thought about what had happened at the bonfire. She'd looked fucking gorgeous. And her smile… Jesus. It had pierced right through him.

He'd somehow developed a crush on Juliet. Or did they not call it a crush nowadays? Did grown people get crushes, or was that reserved for kids? He didn't know what else to call it, but he realized he'd been fighting it for weeks now. It had crept behind him slowly, always lurking in the shadows; there, but just out of reach. Until now, at least. Now it was blowing an airhorn in his ear and flashing like the sparklers from that night right behind his eyes. It burned in him like the bonfire he'd helped build, and it wanted to be seen. It wanted to be satiated.

He wondered if this was because of Kate. Again, he thought about whether letting her go had somehow transferred onto Juliet. But that couldn't be true, because he'd been fighting this for a lot longer than that, hadn't he? He just hadn't known what to do with it. He didn't want to feel this way. He'd just gotten his heart broken, even if he'd been the one to do it to himself. Why couldn't he just like her as a friend? He wasn't ready to feel this weird bond between them pulled so taut he couldn't breathe.

All day yesterday and then again this morning, he hadn't known how to be. He knew he'd acted like a jackass, but at first it was because he felt blindsided by this unexpected, grand reveal in his brain. Then it was in spite of it. He knew it hadn't been fair to those around him, but whenever he thought about her, his chest burned and crotch ached and he angrily (and unfairly) blamed it on the fact that it had been ages since he'd gotten laid. Miles even made a comment about James needing to 'hook up and get it out of his system,' but how the hell could he even do that? The old Sawyer would just hit on some random bimbo, get a good fuck in, and go about his business. But they were trying to fit in here, not make enemies, and he was trying his damnedest to keep out of trouble.

Plus, he didn't really want to have sex with anyone but her. Oh Jesus Christ, he groaned inwardly, and ran a hand over his face. When the hell did I start wanting to have sex with her?!

He should have known this was coming. Really and truly, he should have expected this. He thought back to the first time he saw her in the jungle, before she'd tased him. He'd checked her out without a moment's hesitation. He'd even flirted with her on occasion, after she'd gone with him to save Jin, Bernard, and Sayid. He'd admired her back for hours as they rowed in the outrigger during the time flashes and practically drooled at her cleavage as the wet fabric clung to her body after the storm. Even worse than the physical aspects of his attraction to her though? He'd opened up to her. She was the one he'd told about seeing Kate. She was the one who calmed him, just by laying her hands on him. Her voice was like cold water on a burn: delicate and soothing, the moment it graced his ears. No one had ever been able to reset him like she did.

He'd put his hands on her hips and held her close as they hid from the smoke monster. At the time, he'd told himself it was to protect her, to keep her tethered to him. But it wasn't. He'd just wanted to feel her body as close to his as he could muster. Had he somehow let her get too close? No. He'd done everything in his power to push her away all this time, not let her in. Their first two weeks here had been just that - him keeping her at arm's length. He'd denied his attachment to her and pretended not to miss her before she'd even left. Hell, maybe their connection had just formed long before he'd even realized it, even if it was just now rearing its ugly (and unwelcomed) head.