it could never happen

1

"billie you have to get out of bed," maggie tells her daughter from the doorway of her room. she hadn't seen billie out of her bed for weeks.

billie gave no response, even though she heard her. she pretended like she hadn't. her whole body felt so heavy. and so uneasy.

she had headaches all the time, and was too tired to get out of bed. she'd worn the same hoodie for weeks, only changing her underwear once a day.

after maggie realized she'd get no response, she closed the door to billie's room. her whole room was a mess, just like her head.

a sob came out of her, tears rolling down her cheeks. she didn't know what wasn't wrong, everything just felt wrong.

her head was pounding, she was sweaty. yet she had no energy to take off her hoodie or the blanket covering her.

it's been like this for months, just a few weeks ago it had started to get worse. the feeling in her chest that never went away. no matter how hard she tried.

she could be doing anything, and the feeling was still there. no matter how happy she wanted to be, no matter how happy she felt. the voice was always there in the back of her head.

just one more time, then we'll stop.

she never stopped. she was in too deep. and too addicted. no one could stop her. because no one knew. and no one cared. not enough at least.

she reached to the blade beside her, she'd unscrewed one from an old pencil sharpener. rolled up the sleeve of her hoodie, before digging the blade into her wrist.

blood appeared, but she had no energy to clean it up. the tears stopped, and the world seemed quiet for a second.

she let out a short breath, before making another cut. the pain felt good, it always did. she loved the feeling after, when it stung. because that was the only feeling that made her know she's still alive.

the feeling that she was not really here was too deep. and appeared when she least wanted it to. the blade fell down on the matters underneath her.

she stank, she needed to get up. she had to pee so bad it hurt. her arm felt numb. she needed to get up. but she didn't.

it was like her legs left her body. she couldn't get up. no matter how hard she tried or wanted to. she closed her eyes, maybe sleep would help, she thought.

that was all she did. sleeping.