Trustfall || Sanders Sides Equestrian AU

Chapter 35 - Breaking Habit

It seemed every year had one of these. This period of time where everything piled so heavily, that every morning Virgil would wake up and be secretly disappointed to find he's still alive. As the weeks dragged past he refused to take note of the growing patterns. If he pretended not to notice Emma was spending more and more time at the hospital, and not to notice the intrusive urges that consumed at his brain every night, and not to notice the growing stress amongst the team, and not to notice his mother crying in her locked room, then maybe he would make it through.

Except now Virgil had pushed away the one thing that was constant and happy in his life. And now Virgil was alone.

Again.

He couldn't even complain to himself about everyone leaving him, because truly, no one ever did. The one pattern he couldn't possibly ignore was that he always had to be responsible. Roman never left him – he was the one who destroyed what they had. So he couldn't even sit around feeling sorry for himself. Not for something that was a hundred percent his fault.

He should have known those ugly coping mechanisms would chase him down. He was never proud of them, but he couldn't say he didn't warn himself.

Virgil stood at the entrance to the yard and stared up ahead. His eyes hurt, but he didn't have the energy to blink. He allowed himself five seconds to practice his smile before he forced himself inside.

Someone must have already turned out the horses for the day because the stalls were empty. It allowed that hollow, cold essence to flood each stall and paint the stables in black and white. Virgil didn't expect anyone else to see it – which he was right about – so there was still a reason to clean the stalls, even though through the depressing fog, he couldn't see a thing.

The sound of the shovel didn't break through to his clogged brain as he worked. Virgil couldn't tell or care which horse this stall belonged to, and there was an overwhelming number of them ahead of him, either way.

"Do you need help?"

The words that came behind him chocked his throat. Yes, so badly. Everything was falling apart and his brain was turning against him and he couldn't remember the last time he wanted to be dead this bad-

"No," he blurted out. "I'm fine, I've never been better, what makes you think that I need help?"

"It's just... there are a lot of stalls to get done."

Virgil paused. He hesitated over the wheelbarrow before shifting around in his place to meet Patton's eyes. They looked grey through the uncomfortable filter over his own eyes. "Oh. Right. Yeah, that would be nice."

His friend's irises twitched in concern as he scanned his face. "Is everything okay, Virge?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"You look-"

"So tired, I know," he babbled. "Stayed up late to finish some homework, those teachers are heartless, aren't they? Took me hours."

Patton fixed his round glasses. "But it's-... it's winter break."

"I had a lot to catch up on. It's fine, I'll just sleep in tomorrow."

"That can't be good for your sleep schedule." Patton grabbed a nearby pitchfork and joined him inside. "But I guess it works."

It was quiet as they worked. The monochromatic veil the world had worn today made it impossible for Virgil to tell floor from bedding, but Patton must have been too distracted to notice the poor job he was doing. Way too distracted; at one point when he lifted the pitchfork to the wheelbarrow, one of the tines caught in Virgil's sleeve and pulled at it.