Starlight Stories Rich and Love: Burns Song

Chapter 9: Office Chase

Smithers stood in line at the executive lunchroom, two trays in hand – one for his lunch, and the other for Burns'. The men behind him in line snickered. The few words he overheard indicated they were part of a ribald joke, though they were uttered in rancor.

"That Smithers is such a bootlicker..." said Cho.

"You mean 'balls-licker'!" said Laney.

Then, one of the men, Keeling, said in a conspicuously loud voice, "Whose dick do you have to suck to get promoted around here? Oh, that's right – Burns'! Wouldn't you know, Smithers?"

"You don't know what you're talking about. That's just a rumor spread by a disgruntled former employee."

"Quit playing dumb. Everyone in Springfield knows you're a cocksucker."

"Oh, so since I'm gay I'll just go down on any man for any reason, is that what you think?"

"But it's true, isn't it?"

"No. Now leave me alone."

"No, I won't. Not until you step down. Everybody knows you don't deserve that job."

"Really? Which one of us has been 'Employee of the Month' over 200 times?"

"Of course he'd give 'Employee of the Month' to his favorite little cocksucker."

"Stop calling me that. I wasn't even going down on him back then."

"Back then? So you do admit it."

Smithers' face fell into a panic. "N-no, that's not what I meant at all! I just misspoke."

"Uh-huh. Sure you did."

"I will look you straight in the eye and tell you one more time – I do not suck my boss' dick to climb the corporate ladder." I do it because he turns me on. "You will stop making these accusations, or I'll have you disciplined for creating a hostile work environment."

"I'm sure HR would be very interested to know about your highly inappropriate relationship with your boss. I'll be sure to inform them. Unless, of course, you step down and allow someone more deserving to take your position."

Smithers raised his brows in worry, then creased them with renewed resolve. "There is nothing inappropriate about my relationship with Mr. Burns. I am his assistant and vice president, and nothing more." As he approached the exit, trays filled with food, he turned and said, "Don't fuck with me, Derrick. It's not wise to cross the most powerful man in Springfield's right hand man."

He entered Mr. Burns' office with their trays of food. "Smithers, what took you so long?" said Mr. Burns, indignant.

"I'm sorry, sir." He set their lunch trays on the desk. "They were saying...they were saying...they ran out of the tapioca pudding you like so much and they had to get some more."

He smiled. "That's all right, the food is here now. You didn't let it get cold, did you?" He poked the filet mignon on his plate with his finger to gauge its temperature.

"No, sir," he said, beginning to relax. There was nothing like spending time in Mr. Burns' company to put him at ease. "Here," he said, taking a knife and fork and cutting up his steak. Once he had finished, Mr. Burns stared at the plate before him. "Is something not to your liking?"

"You were going to say something else."

"Huh?"

"You shifted gears. You said, 'they were saying...'"

"Oh. Just...some of the guys at the lunch line...it was nothing."

His voice sinister, he said, "Spill it."