Starlight Stories Rich and Love: Burns Song

Chapter 7: The Smithers Around the Corner

That Friday, as the workday came to a close, Mr. Burns casually packed a briefcase with hundred-dollar bills as he struck up a conversation with Smithers. "So are you familiar with this eatery Madame Chao's? They serve cuisine of the Far East there."

"Well, it was voted the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City three years in a–"

"I meant the food; is it any good?"

"I've never been, but reviews say it's excellent."

"I certainly hope so."

"May I ask why you wanted to know, sir?"

"Because I've had a change of plans, and I made us reservations there tonight." Smithers grinned giddily, his cheeks encroaching on his eyes. Mr. Burns shoved a navy blue suit at him. "Get dressed. And make haste! You don't want to keep me waiting."

"Yes, sir!" he said, taking the suit into his hands and hurrying to the executive washroom to change. After he'd changed, he took a few minutes to look himself over in the mirror, practicing facial expressions and poses that were adoring and inviting but not overtly libidinous. He closed his eyes and stroked the back of his left hand with his right, pretending it was Burns' hand. "Oh, Waylon, you make me feel like a trillion bucks," he said, imitating his voice as he hugged himself and let out a lovesick sigh. Restoring his voice to normal, he said, "Oh, Monty, you make me feel better than all the money in the world." He rubbed cologne on his wrists and straightened his bow tie once again before turning to leave.

"Now that's a risible sentiment," said Mr. Burns, standing at the door holding a suit as Smithers saw him standing at the bottom of the staircase.

"Oh, you, uh – heard me, sir?"

"I don't pay you to indulge your cockeyed fantasies in the lavatory."

He began to descend the stairs as Mr. Burns began his ascent. "I'm sorry, sir, I–"

"Yeesh. Can't you be unapologetic for once in your life?"

"I've been unapologetic before."

"Name one time, you spineless lackey." They stood face to face.

Smithers frowned, then grabbed his tie and drew him close and kissed him. "Don't hold your breath for an apology from me this time, Monty."

"Why Smithers, I had no idea you had this capacity to be so delightfully selfish." He clasped his hands around Smithers' elbows, holding them there for a couple seconds before gently pushing him away. "Come with me," he said, walking up toward the bathroom. Once there, he put his arm around Smithers' shoulders and guided him inside before shutting the door behind them. Mr. Burns draped his new suit over Smithers' shoulder then removed his jacket and handed it to Smithers, who folded it and placed it on a nearby table. After about ten seconds of them awkwardly standing there, Mr. Burns said, "Are you going to help me with these buttons or just stand there like a lump?"

"Oh! Right away, sir." He swiftly unbuttoned his shirt, untied his tie, and undid his belt and pants button. As each article of clothing fell to the floor, he gathered them up, folded them, and placed them on top of Burns' jacket. He slipped the new white shirt around his arms and buttoned it down, then pulled the charcoal pants over his ankles and slid them up to his waist.

As he did up the button fly, Mr. Burns said coyly, "What are you thinking about, Waylon?" Smithers stopped, his hands hovering near Mr. Burns' crotch as he fumbled for an answer. "It's so easy to make you squirm. How you managed to conceal your ardor for me all these years is nothing short of a miracle."

"If you must know, sir, in order to douse the flame of my passion, I picture Roseanne making out with Homer Simpson."

Mr. Burns chuckled. "How droll. Now resume fastening my buttons." Smithers complied, finishing his pants and tying his tie around his neck, his hand brushing against Burns' neck. "So how does she kiss?" Smithers shuddered in revulsion and put his vest on. Mr. Burns smiled at his reaction as he did the buttons and got him into his jacket.