Till Death Do Us Part | ON-HOLD

Chapter 58 : Uksana

【 58.

Fifty-eight

Uksana 】

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[ Uksana • trigger / set-off ]

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            ROSE’S ANKLES BEGIN to throb with a dull pain as she makes her fifth round circling the scheme that houses Zach’s bachelor pad.

It took her a whole hour to make herself get out of her apartment, then she spent a good twenty-five minutes pacing relentlessly up and down the corridor in front of her building’s elevators before opting to use the stairwell in hopes that the extra-extra time will calm the eruptions in her belly.

It didn’t help at all. Not one bit.

All that her actions and time-stalling resulted in was strained ankles and aching feet. Her current nonstop walking around the place of Zach’s residence doesn’t do her any favours either.

But she just—she just doesn’t know how to face him.

Thinking about apologising for forgetting about Queens seems easy—hell, that’s all she thought about whilst talking to Dumont and then clearing the misunderstanding with Ebru over text afterwards.

Until.

Until she put the phone down with relief, thinking she was done with two-thirds of the issue—only to remember with a sickening despair that the problem isn’t just about Queens. Not when it comes to Zach, anyway.

She has much, much more to be remorseful and horrified about when it comes to him. So much so that thinking of talking things out with him as another ‘one-third’ of the issue seems like a monumental understatement.

The idea of facing him, the notion of even accidentally making eye contact with him, makes shame crawl over her skin. Makes a tight lump grip her throat.

Bloody hell, he told her he loved her.

She’s always known it, of course—but he still said it. He made the big confession. She knew the moment was coming, but she didn’t see it happening at that moment yesterday in his car. In the days before everything went downhill, Rose was expecting to hear the three words sometime soon. But she was not at all prepared for how it all played out, definitely not in such an agonising manner.

She wants so much—So. Much.—to take away that stupid, stupid fight in the car. What she allowed to happen in the restaurant wasn’t any less disturbing, but somehow everything that unfolded in Zach’s car seems worse. Like it’s one thing about the whole disastrous day they could’ve done without.

Rose is a woman of logic and facts and science. But good God, she wishes for some miracle. Some way to simply hit rewind and go back in time, unsay the things she did whilst holding onto her pride and her walls when Zach was simply trying to make her let go of them.

But then she thinks of her conversation with Dumont and Ebru a few hours back, about how it felt like she won some battle being fought within herself. She recalls how that small victory inflated her chest, how it felt like maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world if people found out.

Mostly, she thinks of how good it felt letting the people Zach cares about be aware of what’s going on with him, instead of forcing him to hide things from them when he has no problem being open about it. She doesn’t want to be an obstacle hindering the progress of his personal relationships with others in his life. He’s unafraid to feel, and she doesn’t want to be why he has to restrain himself in public. Doesn’t want to be the reason why he has to think twice before doing something as natural and ordinary as making sure she’s alright.