𝐌𝐲 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐞

【9】

[Play: Stained Glass-Madison Beer|Lurk-The Neighbourhood]

Thank you Suna for fucking everything up for me. Literally everything. I was fine until today. You went for it. What was the reason? Was it because I was finally happy?

I was staying with Semi and now I have nowhere else to go. I could try asking Clarisse, but she's staying very far away and I don't have any transportation to go anywhere. Semi was the one to drive me places when we would go on tours. We still had to go back home, and that wasn't happening any time soon. We still had like a week left here.

After the incident the energy in the studio was very... disturbed. It was awkward, intimidating. Semi's mood was thrown off, so was mine. I didn't speak unless I was asked something. Yet I gave simple answers like an 'ok', 'yes', or even an 'mmh'. Short and simple. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

Was it all the guilt consuming me? The way Semi said that we were nothing. But before all this we were fine. We fucked before getting here. It was him to initiate it. Was I really just his fuck buddy? Was that all I was to him? After spending sleepless nights together. And this is what I get in return.

I understand he's upset, but what he said hurt. It was like I did something very fucked up. I was planning on telling him eventually, but I wasn't ready at the moment to tell him.

He reacted like I did something really bad, like I cheated on him or something, which I didn't. And even if I did something relatively close to that, we were nothing according to him. What we had was nothing. It was nothing to him, but it was everything for me. He was what I loved the most. So stupid of me to think like this. I was wrong about him. I thought maybe we had something, but it was all for nothing.

I felt even more out of place now. I feel wasted. My life was falling apart, all because of a guy- two guys. What is everyone going to say about this? Those paparazzi's kept asking questions. I didn't answer any of them.

It was near the end of the studio session. We could finally go back home. Maybe I could finally talk to Semi... or not. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maybe I can pick some of my clothes and find somewhere else instead of Semi leaving. I can't stand being in a place where we stayed together.

The little memories would tear me apart little by little. After this I plan to head out to a bar and have some drinks, by myself. I don't want anyone else with me. I wanted to be alone for the first time in a long time.

It felt different. The alone where I was actually alone, by choice and because no one else was by my side when I needed them. This one time. Where the person I would always need when I was alone, was the person I didn't want next to me at the moment.

"Alright that's all for today, good job everyone. Upcoming details about future meetings will be shared later on" I hear Semi speak up. I keep my head low focusing on not letting any tears slip out. I'm upset at the fact that when I get home, I'll leave as soon as I can.

Semi walks out of the studio without saying a word to me. I slip into the car, closing the door behind me. I say nothing. Looking out the window. The car ride was silent. I leaned towards the door, keeping my focus on the sky, where the sky was now dark and stars shined. I kept my focus on them, blinking without letting a tear slip out.

We make our way into the apartment and Semi begins to talk.

"I'll find a place to stay after I take a shower and pack up some clothes." I nodded at his statement. Little did he know that I wanted to be alone, so I was the one going to find a place to stay.

While he was in the shower, I got my bag. Stuffing some clothes in there. I could hear the shower still running. My guess was that he was going to be in there for a while. Maybe thinking on what to say after all this.