3️⃣ What Next

20. Fall in love.

"Billy," I began looking down at my hands and then when I had finally worked up the courage, I looked back at him. "I am so sorry" I say. I felt horrible. All the horrible situations and encounters we had been through were my fault. "I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you. You shouldn't have to change who you are to make me happy and I'm sorry that I've done that to you" I say still looking at him.

Billy just looks down. And then back up at the sky. He looked pained. "Billy, what's wrong" I ask. At this point billy had back away from me. He had his hands on his hips.

"Y/n. You just don't get it." He says in an angry tone. "I don't want you to take the blame. I am the one who fucked up. I am the one who slept with other people. I am the one who walked out on my family" he says hitting his hands together softly with each statement.

"I understand that" I start. "But there must have been something I did that made you not want to be with me. I know I'm very anxious all the time. I know I can be a little bit of a neat freak but I shouldn't expect you to be that way. I can be a lot to handle, I admit that. And I'm sorry that your life didn't turn out how you'd hoped. I know you had such big dreams and then I forgot birth control one day and you became a dad a lot sooner than you expected. I know you love Scarlett more than anything in this universe but I am sorry that because of my mistake you are stuck with me." I say trying to meet Billy's gaze. Billy wouldn't look at me I hated myself for making him resent me so much. The looks on his face was filled with sadness "I am sorry that because of all my careless actions you don't get to live and experience life the way you want to. I wake up everyday and I look at Scar and I thank god that he sent her to save me. I have always been so lost in my life. I have never had anyone to guide me." I say with a bit of sadness in my voice. Billy has a steady stream of tears coming down his face. "I have always held the things that I love so close to me and I guess I couldn't see that just because I needed something, or someone that doesn't mean that the other person needed me just the same." I take a sharp inhale and I rub Billy's shoulder. "I am so sorry Billy" I say. Billy looks down at me. He turns and walks into the cabin leaving me all alone outside. I softly sit back into the chair that was on the back deck.

I sat here for a while. I watched the moon and the stars. I listened to the crickets in the distance. I thought of all the relationships I had in my life. Billy, Joyce, Nance, J, Max, the boys, hop. I clung to people. I cared to much. I threw everything I had into my relationships with these people. I had always thought there was no way caring to much was a bad thing, but in retrospect it was. I smothered the people I loved.

After a while, Billy came back out. He didn't say anything, he just sat in the chair. I didn't want to smother him anymore than I already had so I said "here I'll go inside so you can enjoy some alone time" I say standing up.

"Sit down" he says sternly. "Please" he adds as a cushion. He body language told me he was mad. Mad at me. Billy rarely got mad at me. I did as I was told and sat back down.

"I don't know what I have done for someone up there" he says softly pointing to the sky "to have sent me an angel like you. Y/n baby you are not a problem or a burden to other people. You are quite the opposite. You love everyone you meet with your entire fucking being. It's actually incredible. You haven't met a person in your life that doesn't walk away a better person from just shaking your god damn hand. You are the most caring, forgiving, strong person I know. I don't regret any moment of our relationship, aside from my fuck ups" he says looking up from his hands. He was sitting across from me. His forearms resting on his knees. He looked up at me. "I won't sit back and let you feel like my behavior is a product of your love. I am a fuck up. I'm a mess, I have been since my mom left me when I was 8. But baby I promise I will do anything to get your love back. I don't deserve you. I never have I never will. But I need you in my life. I need you to be my wife. I need you to be the mother of my children. I want to be the one who looks after you when your sick. I want to provide for you, I don't ever want you to have to work. I want you to be able to relax when you need to because you deserve it" he was now on his knees. He was in front of me holding my hands to his lips. "Please don't blame yourself for my actions. Please baby don't give up on me. I promise I am going to try everyday. I promise" billy was in full out tears. I was too. I wanted him everyday for the rest of my life.

"Billy" I start. He stops me. "No baby please don't try to make me out as the good guy because I am not. I have hurt you over and over again. I don't deserve you or this family we have built but I swear on your life and mine right now that you will never have to wonder again who I want for the rest of my life. It's you baby. It's always been you" he says crying hard. I wrap my arms around his neck and pulls him into me and hugs him. He rest his head on my chest and his arms around my waist. I cry softly. I felt so warm, I felt safe again, I felt free of all my worries. I knew in that moment I'd fallen in love with Billy Hargrove. Not the old Billy, not the the man I thought I had before. I'd fallen for someone new, Billy 2.0. My Billy.