Emotional Boys 1990

06

"Accumulation of wealth at one pole is at the same time accumulation of misery, agony of toil, slavery, ignorance, brutality, mental degradation, at the opposite pole."

If you look at the condition of Detroit, it is very clear that the seeds of America's greed, it's brutal approach to a capitalist society has done the people who live here a great injustice.

I grabbed any book I could that criticized capitalism, and my home city, Detroit, has a special place in its history. 

Now, this may seem like a random brain tangent, but I'm thinking about it for a reason.

Marshall has brought me to a party at his friends house. He introduced me to his best friend Proof and I've just been clung to his side all night, listening to him and a bunch of other guests talk about pointless shit that I don't care about.

I'm thinking about it because one of his friends, though stoned out of his mind, seemingly asked no one out loud as to why Detroit is such a "shit hole".

"You want the short or long answer, cause this could last till the next day and I could still be going" I take my chance to start a somewhat meaningful conversation, visibly perking up at the hope of it.

"Well, I don't know how well I'll be able to pay attention so... briefly summarize..." he requests, sinking into the couch he's laying on, his dreads resting smoothly on his shoulders.

"Well, it was kind of fucked from the moment it boomed for automotive production. Things were going so well, jobs were prosperous, yada, yada, and the foreign manufacturers and outsourcing started to seep in, the business panicked, as did all of American workers, didn't know how to react and they never fully recovered. Jobs were lost, price of paying people domestically was pointless, so on and so forth. Fewer manufacturing jobs means less tax revenue, that means fewer teachers especially qualified ones, fewer police officers, firemen, you know. Crime rises, education declines. Since crime is rising, no one is getting a good education, leading to less competent people. Guess what happens? Economy is shit. No one wants to start a business, boom, cycle starts. That's why it's a shit hole" I ramble, my voice flat and simple, just stating facts.

How'd this make me think of Capitalism? Simple, capitalism causes this shit.

"Woah, that's like... super deep" he mumbles out, eyes wide as they can be as he looks at the ceiling.

I have to bite my tongue from shouting, 'are you fucking kidding?'

Seriously? That's all you can contribute? Not only that, not that I was expecting someone as high as this dude to say something introspective, but come on! Does no one have anything to say?

I hate this shit, this is why I don't have friends.

"You sure know a lot of shit Esdeath, it's fucking hot" Marshall grins, it's sexy but also clearly delirious. He's high off ecstasy, so good luck getting anything smart out of him...

He presses kisses to my neck in a half-assed manner, too hazy to do anything with full diction.

My jaw locks in place as I realize I have no desire to be here. Everyone here is wasting my fucking time. Not that I have to be here, but I feel like being nice and spending time with Marshall's friends.

Do I feel like that anymore..?

No.

Not really.

I stand up abruptly, his arm falling from my shoulder as I excuse myself, not saying a words, rather just walking out blatantly.

Like the lost puppy he is, he's quick to follow behind me, repeating my name in hopes I'll turn around and ask him why he's calling for me.

I get out to the front porch and sit there for a second, knowing I can't leave without him, he has no car and he is living with me.

Well fuck.

Maybe I'm over reacting, I certainly am. However, I haven't got it in me to care. I don't enjoy making mindless small talk, wasting hours of my time that I could be using to study or read something actually mentally challenging.

God, I really am a bitch, aren't I?

"Esdeath, where you going?" He asks hopelessly, his voice whiny and clearly irrational sounding.

"Leaving, I can't stay longer, if you want to that's fine, but find another way home" I grumble, grabbing my car keys from the pocket of my sweater and unlocking the car.

It's not the best thing in the world, but compared to the other cars in Detroit, the "automotive capital", it's not too bad.

"Esdeath, what the fuck? Did something happen? What's wrong?" He tries to get out of me, mechanically getting into the passenger side without a second thought, having decided to follow me home cause of course.

"You know what I think of people...?" I ask him abruptly, clearly confusing him given his expression, his eyebrow cocked.

"Uhm... what?" He asks, completely perplexed.

I grip the steering wheel, looking dead ahead and not bothering to give him any glances. "I think they spend so much time with stupid, surface level conversations, and doing annoying ass shit that only serves to inflate their ego that they don't even develop any fucking cognitive skills. I don't enjoy sitting in there, while everyone talks about shit that doesn't matter. But that's the fuck of it all, nothing matters. Not me, not you, not the fucking economy, not any god damn stocks I'm paying attention to. But I at least want to feel like I'm not wasting my time talking about shit that makes me feel like a numb husk!" I shout, not even at him, but mostly at myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me... I can't even begin to comprehend that, but I've fallen into this pit of insanity. My obsession with something that I cannot achieve from others has gone too far out of wack.

I am not in tune with society.

I do not wish to be, but it still frustrates me.

I'm loosing my mind over a party. It does not need to be a deep analysis of myself or society, yet I've turned it into such.

I near the trailer park, having not been too far from his place.

"This is not your fault... it's not theirs... I think- I think I need to, uhm...  think things through..." I mutter, feeling tears form in my eyes, turning the car off and looking at my hands.

Why did I have to do that?

What would I achieve?

What would I achieve?

Did I really think I could save the world? Make some grand difference by shouting my frustrations with a broken society that will most likely never be fixed. This is foolish. The responsibility is on me. I need to surround myself with people who want to embrace challenging ideas, who want to think differently.

I fully believe Marshall is one of those people, but I might have scared him off.

He grabs my shoulder and urges me to look at him, I pull my eyes away from my hands, blurred slightly through my tears.

"I mean, I agree with you completely... I just think you know what your struggle is, you just don't know how to resolve it. Easy to state a problem, fixing it is completely different... you really think this is good for you though? Aren't you alienating yourself, I mean it's fair, I find people annoying as shit too, but life is a lot more fun if you stop hoping the world is gonna change. It ain't" He tells me with a soft chuckle.

I love him.

He's perfect.

"I can't articulate to you how helpful what you just said was... at least not in words... wanna go inside and fuck me? You can even tie me up" I laugh with the suggestion, making him blush, face lightly shocked before morphing into a sly smirk.

"Really huh...? Alright, I'm down, but I won't tie you up, I want your legs around my waist, and I wanna feel your nails diggin' into ma back"

Alright, if that's what he wants