Crushed Paper Cranes

three

Quinn Vyne
~

bet⋅ter
/ˈbedər/

adjective
partly recovered; less unwell

I pace anxiously around Alazne's bed. The nurses have tried to get me to relax, but this is too much, too fast. Why now, of all times? I pick at the bracelet on my wrist. It reminds me so much of mom it makes my heart twist. My fingers trace over each individual bead. There are tears in my eyes, but blink hard to clear them. I watch Alazne's silky ginger hair fall over the sides of the bed like water flowing over rocks.

"Quinn?"

My head snaps up at the familiar voice. I look out the door at the source of the voice.

"Is that you?"

"... Justyce?" I ask, giving the transgirl a onceover.

"What are you doing here?" Justyce asks, beyond concerned.

"My sister fainted."

"Is she doing alright?"

"Yeah, what about you?"

"Volunteer hours. I'm just running errands for doctors and nurses."

I cast one more worried glance at Alazne before I step outside and hug Justyce tightly.

"Everything good?" she asks.

I almost tell her the truth, but Justyce looks so happy I can't bring myself to bring her down. "Yeah, everything's fine," I say, pasting a forced smile onto my face.

Justyce frowns. "Quinn,..."

"I'm fine, seriously," I assure her.

"Please," Justyce begs. "Let me help you."

I want to let her. Badly. I want to let her in. To not carry this burden alone. But I can't do it. I look away, avoiding her eyes. "Go ahead. Don't let me hold you back."

Justyce places a hand on my shoulder. "Quinn? Don't let anyone hold you back, okay?I'll see you on Monday?"

"Yeah." I let out a breath. "See you Monday." I quickly back into Alazne's room again, dragging a hand down my face. What am I doing? I look at Alazne's now peaceful figure. "What am I doing?" I ask aloud, listening to the steady beep of the heart monitor. "What did I do? Did I ruin my own life?" My voice breaks, and I shake my head, sinking into the chair by Alazne's bed. "Tell me what I did wrong," I beg, burying my face in my hands.

After three hours of Alazne not waking up, I carried her to the car, not having the means to spend the night at the hospital, nor the heart to leave her there by herself or sleep at home alone. I don't think I'd be able to fall asleep knowing Alazne is in a bad condition. Knowing mom's gone. Dad's gone. They're all gone. Not that anything would change if Alazne's with me if she's asleep, but I definitely feel better with her sitting next to me.

The ever changing shadows run over and past the car. Slowly, lights blink out and the stars wink on. The sky grows dimmer, dimmer, dimmer. It's Riley's birthday today. Today he would've turned five.

I watch myself in the side mirrors. I look exhausted - which is accurate - and unsure - also accurate. I threw on makeup this morning to take on a more feminine appearance, but it's all smudged by now, giving me an even more bedraggled look. I just look wrong. A wannabe female. I'm not. I don't know what I am. I don't know where I still stand. There was a point where I was good with being a boy, but when that faded, I was left standing in the middle. I'm still stuck in that in-between.

We're still driving when she comes to, the only indication of her waking being her breathing picking up.

"Hey, Alazne." My grip tightens on the steering wheel, almost imperceptibly.