The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead- Episode 3

Chapter 2

Eleven Years Ago

Please God.

Please.

Please let him be okay. Let this be a false alarm.

Please.

His heart was in his throat but it still hammered with every slow step forward, so slow, he couldn't afford to miss anything, he could be hurt, could need help. He had to be ready, had to bring him home, bring him back to Danny and Gail and-

No.

His flashlight shook as he swept it back over the earth to his right and when it landed on the flash of white that had caught his attention he nearly dropped it. The dark blue blended seamlessly against the night, the once pristine white strips barely visible through the mud and dirt- it was a wonder he'd seen it at all.

It was so small.

A child's shoe. He was just a child. And he was barefoot, scared and alone and he had to find him, he had to-

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

The word ran through his mind as he took another step forward, the reeds that brushed against his hand scraping like barbed wire but he relished the pain. He deserved it. Because he'd found Ben. But he couldn't save him.

He was too late.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She was so pretty.

It was almost hard to look at something so beautiful, especially when his night had been one straight out of hell but he couldn't look away. Looking at her face helped calm him and right now... his rational mind knew that calm was what he needed but the other part of him, the one that knew how to kill, how to hurt and maim and force someone to tell the truth... that part was screaming for blood. For vengeance. For justice.

All he had to do was take it.

And right now there wasn't anything he wanted more but there was a little voice in the back of his head, her voice, asking him not to. Begging him to listen to reason. But that voice wasn't loud enough. His eyes stayed glued to her face but his thumb finally shot out and hit the call button, anxiety warring with determination as he waited. It would be a sign, if she didn't pick up. A sign that he was right, that he could do this, that doing this was right, was exactly what that sick, twisted son of a bitch deserved-

"Hey the-...Jay?"

Damn it.

Now her voice was too loud.

Too loud and already way too concerned, and he hadn't even said anything. He didn't think he could.

"Jay? What's going on?"

Nope. He couldn't. He tried, for her he tried but he couldn't.

"Jay, I need you to talk to me. What's going on?"

Fuck, even her voice was pretty.

Even tight and pinched like it was now it was still melodic, soothing to the creature that prowled just beneath his skin. Even with the burning rage that was feeding that beast her voice still managed to reach him, to free his own where it was trapped inside his throat.

"Jay-"

"He's dead."

Dead, dead, dead.

He'd killed him, hurt him, touched him.

"Jay, no, Mouse is-"

She trailed off and he knew she was looking for herself so he let her, taking a moment to funnel all his rage into his right hand, the one that was gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white. Distantly he was worried he might break his phone and if he did, if he stopped hearing her voice... he didn't think he would be able to control what he did next. But did he even want to?

Lonnie sure as fuck hadn't.

The anger inside him only burned hotter at that thought, at the image of that little shoe that was so vivid he could only glare blindly at the house in front of him. Ben hadn't deserved the end he'd gotten but Lonnie... Lonnie was going to get exactly what he deserved.

"Jay."

She knew.

He could hear it in her voice. She knew what had happened and she knew where he was. What he was going to do. And he would. He'd do it. Fuck whether it was right or wrong, fuck the law, fuck his job. Lonnie deserved this.

Ben deserved this.

"Jay, I know you're hurt. I know you're angry. But please- please don't do this. Please, you don't- you don't want to do this. You'll get him another way. You'll get him the right way, okay? Trust the system, trust... trust me."

Fuck.

He should have gone right in. Up the trellis along the left side of the house and straight into that fuckers' room- he'd be done by now. He would have had to be quick, couldn't make it last the way he wanted but that was okay. Dead was dead and that was what mattered. But now? Now he had to listen to her. Had to hear the crack in her voice and the way she tried to keep her breaths even, the way they shook as she realized there wasn't anything she could do to help him. To stop him.

Now he had to carry that.

Now he didn't just have Ben's death on his shoulders, he had what she would bear for Lonnie's.

Fuck.

"Please don't do this. Please, just... just start the car. Start the car and drive away and I will-" her breath caught and the sound sent another crack through his heart, "I will be there as soon as I can. As soon as I am able I will be there and I will help you. I promise."

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

He didn't want to listen to her. He wanted to hurt Lonnie. Wanted to wrap his hands around his throat and watch the life go out of him just like he'd done to Ben. But he didn't want to hurt her. That was why he'd called. Why he had taken out his phone in the first place, staring at her face for almost an hour before he finally dared to call. He knew that Tess would pull him back. Was the only thing that could.

And he knew that he would never hurt her. Most days it was the only thing he and the beast agreed on.

It took a few seconds of intense concentration to get his fingers to release the wheel but they did, snagging on the keys as they fell and starting the car before he had time to second guess himself; it wasn't comfort he took in the quiet gasp of relief on the other end of the line but it was something, and he clung to it as he pulled away from the curb and drove down the street.

For her.

He could let this go for her.

And she would be here soon. She would make this better.