The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead- Episode 3

Chapter 5

Present Day

That question ran through his mind for the next three and a half hours.

As they confirmed everything Tess had learned with the Brenson sisters, both of whom confessed quickly when shown the mountain of evidence already piled against them, as he wrote up his very brief report and especially as Voight sent them home early, Adam already making plans for everyone to meet up at Molly's later. It was all Jay could think about- even when he tried to focus on something else it lingered at the edges of his mind, teasing him with all the possibilities. Except there weren't that many. Just two. Either he was wrong about what he'd been feeling on and off from Tess throughout the last month or he wasn't. Normally it wouldn't even be something he'd question, something that he'd have to but that mask she wore... it was so good. So much better than it had ever been. And maybe... maybe it wasn't just that it was better.

Maybe she was trying to keep him out, trying to keep some line drawn, even if she didn't know it. It was a very Tess thing to do. Another thought popped into his head, an image, the same one he'd gotten the first night she'd come back, of waves lapping at her cheeks as she struggled to keep her head above water.

Tess would drown if it meant she could save him.

If it could save anyone.

But what was he supposed to do about any of this? What could he do?

If she didn't want to talk to him she wouldn't, he'd learned long ago that he could only push her so far and he wasn't going to force a conversation she didn't want to have, especially when he didn't know what kind of conversation needed to be had. They'd already had a lot. This month had been full of them, not every day but close enough, and though he'd known there were times when she held back he had too. Didn't they have a right to? It was normal to keep some things private, keep them for yourself but... they'd never been like that. He and Tess had always told each other everything, the good, the bad, the dark and twisted and dripping red. Maybe not right away but they had. And maybe that was it. Maybe he just needed to give her more time- it had only been a month for God's sake, thirty-two days out of one thousand nine hundred and sixty-six. If she needed more she could have it, he'd give her anything she wanted but...

What if she didn't want him?

Jay knew that was crazy, he knew that Tess loved him but she'd been through so much and she'd done it all without him and that... that had to leave a mark. Maybe there were things she didn't want to tell him anymore, a level of trust he no longer had.

SQUAWK!

Jesus Christ. He hit the brakes, his heart suddenly thundering in his chest as he stared at the seagull that flapped up from his parking spot to settle on the fence behind it, glaring at him before it began to preen. He fucking hated seagulls. They were the only thing he didn't like about living on the boat, which was going even better than he could have imagined, largely in part because Tess had tricked it out. And because she was there. The thundering calmed at that thought, at the peace that flowed through him every time he parked here; even if she wasn't there when he walked inside he was coming home to her home. Their home.

The bird squawked again and he glared back this time, keeping one eye on it as he slid out from behind the wheel. Those beady eyed mother fuckers liked to swoop and he wasn't in the mood to fend one off.

He just needed to see Tess. He needed to hold her, to remind himself that she was real, she was here, she wasn't going anywhere- even if things weren't going to be the same that would never change. Steadied by that he hurried down the dock, following the tug in his heart and the quiet bass that floated out through the windows, as it always did the music growing softer the closer he got. Surprising her had always been difficult but now it was near impossible, and a part of Jay wasn't sure if he was ready to learn just what kinds of eyes and ears she used. Or just how many she had. He pushed those thoughts back as he opened the door and the sight of her sprawled atop the kitchen island eradicated whatever was left, the calm he'd been chasing finally washing over him. But it was Aelin lying beside her that he directed his attention to, scratching under her chin as she began to purr and stretch out; she seemed to like him, though he had woken a couple times in the middle of the night to find her laying possessively across her owner's neck, her beryl green gaze locked unflinchingly on his.