The Soldier and The Spy: Tess Danvers- Episode 4

Chapter 4

Present Day

Her body felt heavy.

So heavy that for a brief moment as she struggled to return to consciousness panic rose inside her and turned the weight that pulled her into the mattress into one that pressed, into a body atop her own, arms and legs pinning hers in place, rancid breath on her-

With a violent jerk Tess woke, the flailing of her limbs soothing her fear before her mind could even finish confirming there was no threat. Not here. Not now. There was just sunlight streaming through the curtains and the not-too-distant cries of seagulls and ship horns, and Aelin nuzzling her shoulder. She had been the weight she'd felt, curled up on her chest as she so often did, now giving kisses the way she did when she knew she'd startled her.

It might be odd to consider a cat one of your closest companions but Tess did, unequivocally; there were few people who saw her in her most vulnerable moments and fewer still she felt comfortable cuddling up to like this. And though her feline friend may not be able to understand everything she sure as shit understood a lot, and had never once made her feel anything less than loved. Her hand came up to stroke her soft fur while the other stretched across the mattress, automatically seeking the warmth and comfort of the other person she'd come to rely on but all she grasped were fistfuls of the comforter.

Though it still felt heavy, unreasonably so she lifted her head, blinking blearily at the empty bed before her eyes landed on the folded piece of paper on the nightstand. It took more effort than it should have to roll over and grab it and after a pitiful whine and a beseeching look Aelin brought it over for her, dropping it in her open palm before she curled back up against her stomach, but this time her presence did little to soften the blow when Tess finally flipped it open.

I love you.

The words themselves weren't surprising, Jay had left this exact same note at least a few dozen times in the last six weeks alone but her gut still clenched as she took in his bold but immaculate pen strokes, so different from her own childlike chicken scratch. Not because of the sentiment, well maybe a little, but only because she could so clearly picture him not knowing what else to write.

Suddenly she remembered exactly why she was so tired, why her limbs and heart felt so heavy- Jay had found her in the shower last night.

One of her showers.

She still couldn't remember how long she'd been in there but she did remember how full of steam her room had been when he'd pulled her out, how it had billowed over them when he'd carried her onto the deck, his body curled over hers where he'd held her cradled against his chest. She remembered the look he'd given her. The horror and guilt that hadn't waned in the slightest during the ten minutes they'd had before he'd had to rush back to work; she'd waited until the door had shut behind him to sink to the floor, where she'd stayed for a long time after. The last thing she could recall was taking a couple gummies, not enough to really do anything, she'd just wanted something to quiet her mind but after all the mental energy she'd expended earlier they must have knocked her out instead. Which meant that when he got home he must have found her passed out on the couch, must have carried her up here and tucked her in, probably spending a long while after that just staring at her, wallowing in his guilt.

Fuck.

What must he think of her?

That she was broken. That he had to fix her.

The truth of that answer rankled her, chasing off the heaviness that was keeping her chained to the bed and before she knew it Tess was stalking back into the shower, glaring and damn near baring her teeth at the faucet before she yanked it right to the middle point. The compromise of the lukewarm water irked her even more, even as her own guilt started rising up, so many emotions warring inside her and this time she knew she couldn't burn them out or smoke them away. She had to let them fight and see who came out on top.