Sky and Tuck

Chapter 13

Words In Letters, Words In Music, Words For Apologies, Words Of Love

60 Days Into Rehab

Tuck

My Sweet SkyBlue,

This is the first letter I'm sending to you, but it's probably the hundredth letter I've written you since I've been in here.  I'm working this program baby, I'm doing all that I can to show you that I can be a man you can love and trust again.  I'm learning how I got so far off the rails so quickly, it doesn't excuse anything.  Nothing will ever excuse the shit I've thrown to you and my family and the band.  Please know that I am on my fuckin knees here, not asking for forgiveness, I'll never ask you for that, I'm just fucking apologizing, I am so fuckin sorry for all that I did.

I'm sorry I'm not there to help your right now, I'm not helping with the kids or figuring out the new normal, but when I get out of here, I will do whatever you want.  I just fucking pray every fucking day that you'll let me back in.  I'm not asking you now to let me back because I know for fucking sure you'd tell me 'hell no'.  I'll wait until later, when you can see I'm a better and healthy man.

I'd be with you right now if I could, but my family and the band gave me some rules to follow if I wanted back in with them.  One of the rules is that I have to let you be, not bother you right now. You've got too much on your plate and you don't need my drama or trash to worry about.  So just know, I'm cleaning up my trash, I'm getting stronger, I'm becoming a man that is gonna earn your love.  Because baby, you are everything.  You're fucking it for me.  No worries, I'm not a stalker, I'm not gonna force you.  But you are going to see I'm still the man I was when you trusted me, I'm still the man that loves you, the man who will always love you.

Love, Tuck

PS. I'm gonna close every letter with a memory:

You were 8, I was almost 10.  We were at the beach with our families, you wanted to surf with Tyler and Kel, but Ty said no.  I took you out on my board, you lying on your stomach laughing while I controlled the board.  Then, I loved you like a sister.  Your giggles and laughter made me smile, the hot sun baking our skin, the salty water spraying our faces, and you, making every fucking day amazing.  I remember when we came out, Ty said that from now on, if you wanted to surf with us, we should let you.  You were sunshine then baby, and you still are.

Your Tuck

My Sweet SkyBlue,

My second letter, is not gonna be super fuckin positive.  This day sucked.  Therapy was shit.  Had family therapy with my mom and dad.  I was always ashamed of the crap I got into, but hearing my parents talk about how they were feeling during it.  Watching my mom cry because she still jumps when someone knocks on the door, cuz she's so trained to expect the cops to inform her of my death.  

Fuck, how did I let my world spiral so out of control?  Why the fuck didn't I stop and look at what I was becoming?  I know that through the things my mom was sharing today, the memories are no different for any of the other people who loved me.  When I fucked me up, I fucked everyone else up too.

This is the shitty kind of day where before I'd go drink myself dark, hide in the bottle and whatever came with. it.  I guess the difference is now, I have to feel the pain and despair, process it, accept it, and find a different way to live with it.  

I've been writing music again, lyrics too.  No surprise, todays output was pretty dark and grim....thats ok...I'm ok with it, though todays music was shit as well.

I'm learning to be ok with tough, sad, angry, I'm feeling it, not just hiding from it.  But Sky baby, it fucking hurts sometimes, so damn much.  I'm not telling you this to make feel sorry for me.  I earned this pain, I brought it on myself, so I gotta learn how to live with it.  I'm just showing you where my heads at.