Macto

22; How to Save My Life

Benz's POV

Lying to her was a brutal, deadly mistake. At first, my idea to let her figure out the cheating on her own appeared to be smart and concise. Looking back, my idiocy is clear.

With each minute passing, Brita proved to me that she definitely was not the girl I had presumed. I desperately wanted her to know that although her passion and freewill could be overwhelming (and refreshing) at times, that I cared about her. Without saying those exact words, obviously.

And watching her dance around the cafe made me realize how I could show her. How I could prove to her that it was not just a game in my mind. She needed someone to trust and as much as I hated to admit, I needed someone to open up my haunting past to.

"Benz, can we talk?" The girl lying in the bed next to me rolled over, batting her eyelashes as if pleading for something.

Beth and I were, to put it in very simple terms, friends with benefits. No feelings, no emotions, no love. Exactly how I liked it. We started hooking up the night after I moved into the apartment complex, the same night the Brita decided to show up at my door and demanded that I turn down the music.

"Shoot. I have to leave in ten though so make it quick,"

She did not speak for a second and I was too busy focusing on my plans with Brita to read her expression. Quite a twisted concept actually: instead of focusing on the naked girl beside me in bed, I was channeling my thoughts towards a girl that I had despised, not too long ago.

"Do-do you ever want.. more? Because... I do."

Her words caught me in place as I was climbing out of the bed to get ready for school.

Running a hand through my hair and boring my eyes into hers, I responded coldly, "No, Beth. We discussed this. I don't date, never have and never will,"

"Why? We have been doing this for a while now so you can't expect me not to start feeling something."

With each word that slipped from her mouth, her voice became more and more emotional. I cringed, realizing how many poignant scenarios I had been involved in since my return to New York.

"What are you afraid of?" Her wild hair flung around as she lectured dramatically.

Images of my parents stormed my mind, accompanied by treacherous memories of my time at military camp. It was a erupting volcano of things I tried so hard to push away from. Like my 'therapist' had said, trigger words can bring out the worst in someone.

"Goddammit, I just do not want it. If this is your way of begging to me to be your boyfriend, the door is right there," I growled. At that point, I did not care if I sounded like an absolute prick. She had crossed a line without even realizing.

Apparently, I had crossed a line of hers too because she exploded with rage. We fought for about ten minutes straight. Fight would probably be the wrong word actually. Our 'escalated conversation' mainly consisted of Beth screaming at me and occasionally crying, calling me every name in the book.

I was not phased in the slightest for this was not an uncommon occurence. Probably 80% of the girls I had slept with in the past had gone through a similar reaction, some worse than others.

I did not want to think about the real reason why I was terrified of commitment. All I can say is that my reasoning is extremely valid and justifiable.

There had been a few times where I had began developing feelings for a few of the girls, but as soon as my mind acknowledged them it was as if a switch went off. A switch that forced me to push them away and isolate myself.