i wish death was on my doorstep ~ b.e

chapter one

    ⚠️breif mentions of self harm⚠️

"remembering is a weird thing." i said aloud to myself, staring at the white mental hospital ceiling trying to shake my unhappy thoughts and feelings about my past.

9. that's the age i started self harming.
i know that's very young, i guess sadness has just always followed me. i'm now 17 that's fucking crazy to me. anyways when i was maybe 12 i started writing down how i truly felt and what i truly thought. before i was 12 i was too scared to do that incase my mom ever found out. all of my diaries are full of really depressing and concerning shit. one day when i was 16 my mum came in my room and i stupidly left my diary on the table and she read it and that was it. all of my private thoughts and feelings out there to someone else other than me. i was mad at her for reading my diary but she got me the help i need so i can't stay mad at her forever i guess.

my life here is boring as fuck, i have no friends. all i really do is stay in my room all day and only come out for our meals of the day. all i do in my room is sleep, stare at the ceiling in thought and take my meds when the nurse comes round in the morning. this mental hospital isn't really bad it's just boring and very repetitive. it's not like i am doing any better in here than i was back at home. yeah we aren't allowed sharp objects but ill find a way to hurt myself no matter what. sometimes it makes me crazy how far im actually willing to go but i guess that's what an addiction does to you.

the buzzer buzzes loudly making me covering my ears. i don't like loud noises and they won't let me have ear defenders because i could hurt myself with them. i should be getting them soon though i just have to prove im not at high injury risk. my door opens and miss tennance comes in with my food. im autistic and everyone here knows that, the staff let me eat in my room because when i got here i refused to eat at all because they wouldn't let me eat in my room and im not sitting out there with all of those people being loud. so now im allowed to eat in my room but miss tennance has to watch me while i eat which im okay with because she's so lovely. she has helped me quite a lot while ive been here but it's not like im fixed, im still depressed and want to kill myself just not as badly as i used to.

"we have a new girl on the ward today she's quite loud and i dont think you will get along but i thought i should tell you"
miss tennance tells me calmly. everyone else is afraid of me because theres a rumer i killed someone at my old school, it's quite funny to be honest. also because when i get mad at something like small ill blow up. everyone thinks im hard work but only when im mad i am, every other time i think im quite quiet.

"thanks for telling me." i flash her a smile and i finish up my breakfast as she takes my plate away.
now it's time to all sit in a room together and pretend like nothings wrong, fun. every morning after breakfast everyone on the ward takes turns going in your group to the comunity room and 'hang out'.
there is 4 groups. group 1, 2, 3 and 4.
group 1 is the highest risk and group 4 is the lowest. im in group 1. only because of how volitile i get when i get mad.

as i sit in my chair in the communal area i see a new blue haired girl getting restrained by two security guards while she is kicking and screaming at them to get off of her.
i quickly cover my ears and and close my eyes pretending im not here and that im on the beach. i tune out of everything and pretend the screaming and shouting is just the waves crashing down onto the pebbles and sand. everything is okay i tell myself.

"are you okay" mike (one of the security guards) asks.
the security team here are actually all really nice, i feel like ive grown to like them as they have been a consistent thing in my life for the past month. plus they have been through it with me sinse ive been here, my bad.

"its just too loud" i express my feelings to him.

"ill see if i can get you those ear defenders today but you have to behave yourself or they will take them away."

"thank you mike" i smile slightly before i pull myself together and go to my room. ive spent plenty of enough time in that stupid comunity room. i was already so tired i fell asleep.