New Beginnings

22 - Love Sucks

I cried for hours after I got back up to my apartment. I didn't eat, but I drank a whole bottle of wine and then slept. I was on autopilot getting ready for work the next morning. I went through my usual routine, but only half-heartedly. I sat in traffic on my way to work just like always. At a red light, I saw a couple walking down the sidewalk. They were young and in love, kissing and holding hands as they walked. They looked so happy. Seeing them was the thing that broke me. The tears began falling again and I could not see to drive. Horns honked as the light turned green and I didn't move. I couldn't move. I leaned onto my steering wheel and let the tears fall.

A passerby knocked on my window and asked if I was alright. I nodded and wiped my face. I heard the blaring of the horns and smiled meekly at the person. I drove to the next parking lot and pulled in. I texted Heidi and told her I wasn't feeling well and asked if she could handle things for a couple more days. She said not to worry and sent a smiley face.

The next thing I knew, I was on my bed and I don't remember how I got there. I was holding his pillow. It still smelled like him. I sobbed. I sobbed like I had lost all hope. I sobbed until I threw up, and then cried some more. I had never felt this kind of pain before. It was crippling.

The sun's blinding rays broke through the hazy morning and landed right in my eyes. I normally loved waking to the sun. It was cheery and made me feel good. But that wasn't the case that morning. My head hurt and my eyes were dry. I felt feverish and sick to my stomach. The light felt more like an intrusion than anything.

I drug myself out of bed and went to get water. I went into the bathroom and saw my reflection. My eyes were red and swollen and my face was puffy. I splashed water on it and patted it dry with a towel. I made myself a cup of coffee and spit out the first sip. It just tasted bitter, even with my flavored creamer.

I decided a shower would help. I stood under the scalding water and begged it to wash away the pain. I don't know how my body was able to make them, but more tears came. After I dried off, I curled up under a blanket on the couch. I slept the rest of the day. My dreams were filled with his face.

When I woke up that evening, I felt just as bad. I pulled some leftovers out of the fridge, but the smell of food turned my stomach. I put them back and went back to curl up under my blanket again. I turned on the TV but I didn't even notice the channel or the show. I was not able to focus on it. I just left it on for the distraction.

Changkyun called. I didn't answer because I just could not handle talking about it. I was sure he had talked to Minhyuk already and wanted to know why I hadn't called him yet. He called 3 more times and I finally answered. Instead of yelling at me for not picking up or for not calling first, he just asked if I was OK. I said, "not really" and he asked me to tell him everything.

"I don't think I have the strength, Kyunnie. It hurts so bad. I have never felt anything like this before."

"Talking will help. You'll get some of it out." I knew I couldn't keep it bottled up, but I felt like I would break if I talked. He managed to get me to start. He was such a good listener and the words began spilling out. By the time I finished, I had cried another pitcher full of tears.

He sighed. "So here is what I have put together from what you have both told me. Tell me if I missed anything. You finally admitted what the rest of us have known for months, you love him. He loves you. Are we on the same page so far?"

"Yes," I squeaked.

"He asked you to marry him and move back here with your family, whom you love and miss."

"Yes."

"Your pride got in the way and you said no."

"Hey, that's not..."