New Beginnings

13 - Friend Zone

We showered together earlier and then ate a light breakfast. Afterwards, we spent a leisurely morning having coffee and snuggling on the couch under a blanket. I was laying with my head on his shoulder and my arm and leg across him. He had lit a fire in the fireplace and the crackling sound was soothing.

"This visit was too short, Hannah. I find myself needing to be with you more and more. It is like I am addicted to you," he said as he stroked my hair.

"It was very rushed. I wish I could stay longer, but will come back as soon as I can get away. I have enjoyed being with you very much." He sighed deeply and I asked what was wrong.

"What is this that we are doing?" I raised my head to look at him.

"What do you mean? We are enjoying each other's company and having amazing sex." My tone was very matter-of-fact and that wasn't the answer he was looking for.

"I know. That is how it started. But it feels different than that now. Don't you feel it too? Do you want to feel that?"

"I do feel it, but no, I don't want to... Wait, that didn't come out right." I paused and thought before I spoke again. "I live over 2,000 miles away. I don't get to come here often. It was hard to get here this time, and I am not sure when I will be back. I really like you and I find myself caring about you. A lot. Too much. I don't think it is fair to either of us to expect anything from the other. Isn't this enough?"

"No, it isn't enough. I want more, and I don't think you are prepared to give it. I am not asking for a commitment. I also don't think we are ready for that," he paused. "But I would like to explore whatever this is a little more. If you are not willing to do that, then maybe we should just stop before we go any further." His words stung more than I expected, but I had no defense.

"So you want to go back to being friends? Is that even possible after last night? Maybe we never should have crossed those boundaries in the first place."

"Boundaries," he said the word in almost a sarcastic tone. "Fucking boundaries. Hannah... I don't..." he started to speak but shook his head. "Friends. Sure. Let's be friends." He used air quotes and spat the word out.

We got up and loaded my luggage into his car and drove to my parents' house. We were having lunch with them before my flight. The drive was quiet and strained, and very awkward. He broke the silence when we were almost home. We were both thinking very loudly.

"If we are going to be friends, then we sill still call and text each other."

"Of course. That is what friends do, right?" I forced a smile and he squeezed my hand. This was not going to be easy. There were too many feelings under the surface.

Connor came running out the door and I kissed Min on the cheek and got out of the car. I bent down and picked up Connor, spinning him around like Dad did often.

We ate lunch and it was hard to be withdrawn around my family, but I felt a sadness that I had a hard time hiding. Kyunnie said he wanted to be the one to take me to the airport because he had barely seen me on this trip. As he drove, he commented that I was unusually quiet and asked what had happened. There was no reason to pretend so I told him.

"Minhyuk and I have decided to be friends. Only."

"Friends with benefits?"

"No, just friends."

"How do you feel about that?" he asked.

"It is the best thing for us. I live too far away for it to be anything else." I looked over and saw his eyebrow raised. We were at a red light and he was just looking at me. I could see a hundred questions forming in his eyes, but he didn't ask them.