House of Love

8. Finding Myself

On Monday, Louis felt weird for the very first time again since his life has changed. Sitting in his usual seat, his leg was wobbling nervously while he tried to distract his nerves. It was the first time he would see Luke again after their incident at the party and Louis wasn't sure what he was expecting to happen.

It definitely wasn't Àmbar coming in first and sitting down next to him instead of Luke, like usual. When he wanted to ask her about it, she had already faced him and offered him a tight-lipped smile that said everything that needed to be said. Luke had probably asked her to swap places with him today.

Just in time with their professor, Luke rushed into the room with his head down. Louis could feel Àmbar tensing up next to him but Louis could only focus on Luke's hunched figure. Without so much as a word, Luke plopped down in the seat next to Àmbar, keeping his face down. Louis wasn't liking this one bit but he also didn't quite know what else he had wanted to happen. Luke couldn't act as if nothing had happened but did he have to ignore him?

For their whole lecture, Louis kept trying to focus on what the professor was telling them but it was in absolute vain. His mind kept replaying their party incident. The more Louis went over what had happened the more he could see even more clearly that Luke really wasn't to blame fully. Yes, it shouldn't have happened but he wasn't sane. He had been smashed, knackered.

Alcohol is very dangerous was Louis' heaviest thought. It could turn even the nicest people into assholes and make kind-hearted people do stupid things they regret later. Louis could tell that this was what had happened to Luke. Maybe he was completely wrong with this and Luke was to blame but his heart didn't want to believe this. Then again, his heart really wasn't good at objective judgment. His ex-boyfriend was the living proof of that.

When the lecture was finally over, Louis rushed out of the room to get some fresh air to clear his head. He breathed in the cool air and felt it filling his lungs. Exhaling loudly, Louis leaned against the wall by the door and waited, ignoring the feeling this position gave him.

"Louis" Luke breathed out in shock when he came out of the room and was stopped by Louis, who needed this nonsense to end.

"I know your great plan is to avoid me from now on but I won't let that happen. I'm not just an object you can throw away because you didn't get what you wanted from me" Louis tried to stand his ground strongly but he could feel all of this affecting him. Another guy avoiding him triggered him more than he wanted to admit.

"Oh god, Louis. No!" Luke's eyes grew funnily huge. "I'm not avoiding you because you don't ... I avoided you because I feel horrible and didn't dare to face you. I'm ashamed of what happened and couldn't look you in the eye. I'm so sorry for coming at you like that. No one deserves to be forced into a kiss, least of all you".

"Oh, um ..." Louis was speechless and stole a glance at Àmbar leaning at the wall behind them but she only held her hands up, signalling that she would stay out of this one. "I accept your apology, Luke. I know that wasn't really you".

"Maybe not but a part of me really wanted that kiss. Just not like that" Luke confessed guiltily. "And not with that reaction".

"I appreciate your honesty. Really. That's why I have to be honest with you as well. I really like you, Luke. Just not like that and I'm sorry but I'm kind of burned for any romantic feelings at the moment. I'm really glad that we're friends and ... um ... but my reaction really wasn't your fault" Louis admitted to him just as honest as Luke has been. He didn't want to lose him already.

"What do you mean? Of course, it was my fault. I kissed you against your will even though I asked beforehand but then ignored the fact that you didn't answer and looked so uncomfortable. I did ... Harry pushed me away with so much anger and then I saw your face. You looked so shaken. And I saw you outside for a bit. That scaringly looked like a panic attack and I was the trigger. How can you say this wasn't my fault when it clearly was?".