Athena

Chapter 31

"Is there really no chance to start once again?"
-Scorpions

Ivan's POV

It's a common mistake for people to think that what hurts the most about being alone is the solitude. The constant silence that floats in the air, an invisible veil that suffocates you with no remorse.

Voices are a gift, they believe. A company you crave, one that you have been starved of your entire life. The sound, when it finally comes, is melodic. A hole on the unforgiving veil that allows you to breath, to free yourself from solitude's cold embrace.

I would have to disagree.

Because everything gets worse when the voices come. They're not melodic, rather harsh and cruel.

'A disappointment! That's what you are!'

'Useless! How can someone be so useless...'

'Such a failure. I am disgusted to have you as a son!'

They don't cut open the veil trying to free you. They weigh it down, tightening its hold, filling all the free space with their torturous words.

And when they finally stop, the veil loosens. It floats away, no longer tight and painful. But it never goes too far, always brushing your skin here and there. A sick game, a dark joke with the single purpose of constantly reminding you of its chilly presence.

But even then, solitude's veil is not your worst enemy. For it is something constant, something stable. It doesn't make any meaningless promises about not leaving you, it doesn't have to. It knows that it will always be with you, no matter what happens. You know it too.

It will always be there, an empty feeling, a cold cover, protecting you from the sun's sharp rays. A cruel, unforgiving sun, always teasing you with its light. Such an inviting, tempting warmth. No matter how thick loneliness' blanket is, it will never fail to find a way to reach you and fill your mind with empty promises. Whispers of a better tomorrow, images of a loving family, lies of a bright future.

You should not trust the sun for it is the most cruel of your enemies. A masked assassin, a twisted killer that will manipulate you until you finally destroy your own life. That is what it will do if you listen to it, if you believe its promises and its lies. Because sun is hope and hope...

Hope is you worst enemy.

Hope that sometime things will change. That maybe there is no such thing as a bad life, a bad story. That this is just a chapter. A really dark, painful chapter that will be over soon enough.

Or it could be just that. Maybe my story consists of this one long, repetitive chapter. Its pages are naked, they don't need a cover when there already is this cruel veil around them. And the words are twisted, repulsive.

The letters are barely recognizable, as if written in a rush. As if not taken care of. Some of them are underlined, drawing your attention towards them immediately. Those are the most repeated words, the ones engraved in my mind.

Coward

Disappointment

Pathetic

In other places there are patches of black. A failed attempt of erasing some words, only leaving behind a painful reminder. That they were a mistake.

That I was-That I am a mistake.

Those are more prominent the farther along you read. Because in the beginning, things were better. The words were erased with an eraser, only leaving behind a whisper of their existance. But things were different then. Because even for a little while, I had hope.

It's true. I had hope once. It was a few years ago when I made that mistake. My mother and I, we had decided to leave this place for good. To escape this sick prison and never look back.

It was the day before we would leave that the whole plan came crumbling down. When I went into her room and found her lying on the floor, an empty bottle of pills right beside her. That is the day I lost hope.

Because, that day, she didn't just destroy her own life. She damned mine as well.

I want to be mad at her, I want to hate her for being so selfish. For taking the easy way out and leaving me here, with him.

I try so hard, but I can't. I only feel jealous of her for finally finding peace. Because no matter how many times I try, I cannot follow her steps.

A coward, my father had called me. And indeed, a coward I am.

Because in this world that I live in, killing should be easy. Regardless who's life it is you're taking. Regardless if it's your own.

I grew up in the mafia. The first lesson I was taught was to never fear my enemies. I should not underestimate them either, though. I learned how to fight them and more specifically how to win them. My father thought that those things were enough in a battle. And maybe they were, for him. But in my opinion, he forgot to teach me the most important lesson. Or, probably it was on purpose. He wanted me to be submissive and obedient, to drain me off every ounce of free will in my body. That's why he never cared to teach me how to recognize my enemy.

Something that would certainly be really useful now, when it seems that I'm surrounded by them. So I had to make a choice. Stay here, in the abuse of my household, or accept hope's warm embrace and run. Run and never look back. Run until my feet are bleeding and my lungs are burning. Because at least then I will feel something. Something other than fear.

It's a small price to pay for freedom.

Call me foolish and stupid. Because, despite having been let down by hope once, that's what I chose. I chose to continue my story, move on to the next chapter. But I couldn't do that in the darkness of the veil. I had to go away, I had to find the light and finally be able to turn the page.

Maybe this time things would be different.
Maybe this time I would succeed.
Maybe this time hope isn't my worst enemy.

With these thoughts in my mind I made my final choice.

And I ran.

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Not really sure how to feel about this chapter. When I first wrote it I was really excited to publish it but after re-reading it, I don't know.

Anyway, Ivan's POV yay. A little insight on his past. Hope you liked it.
Vote and comment!

-A