Loving You

Chapter 14 - Abhimanyu - "I'm Not Okay"

"Oh! Look! Your kachoris! I forgot to try them!" I shifted my eyes away from Akshara and focused on the plate of smiley kachoris as she calls them in front of me.

"I know what you're trying to do but I'll let you have it because I really do want you to try them." She replied, exasperated.

I picked up one kachori and bit into it. "Hmm, so yummy. You have got to give me the recipe." I exaggerated.

"Not much of an actor are you?" Akshara teased, sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at me in humour.

"What are you talking about?! These are awesome! So tasty!" I tried again, more convincingly this time.

"Oh really? Then here, have another one." She placed another kachori in my plate. "In fact why stop at only two? Let's make it three!"

"What?" My jaw dropped open as crumbs of the kachori I was trying to forcefully devour fell out of my mouth.

"Yeah, yeah, since you liked the kachoris so much. I'm sure you can eat a few more."  Did nothing get past this girl?

"No, no. I don't want any more."

"Oh yes, yes you do. Since you loved them so much."

I placed the kachori I was holding in my hand down on the plate. "I'm sorry." I admitted, honestly. "I was just trying to avoid talking about —"

"Your feelings. I know. But you should also know that I can be very relentless too. So out with it Dr. Boss Man. How are you doing?"

"Doing how?" Again stalling. Why was it so hard for me to talk about my feelings. I did have them, didn't I?!

"In life. In general. Your girlfriend cheated on you with your best friend. That must have been hard."

"Life is life; I guess. It's going. I don't know how else to describe it, exactly." I admitted.

Akshara reached out and placed her tiny hand over mine as an act of comfort. She rubbed her thumb pad over fingers as an act of solitude. "Let your guard down, Abhimanyu. I promise nothing bad is going to happen. Don't keep all these feelings inside of you. Trust me, they only harm you, your emotional, and your mental health in the long run. Just let it all out."

I gave her a soft smile.

"Or if you want, I can grab you a bottle of whiskey because last time drunk you was very forthcoming." She egged on; winking at me.

I chuckled. "Whiskey? After tea?!"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures." She replied, cheekily.

I took a deep breath and sighed. Here goes nothing.

"No. I'm not okay. What Vikram and Shanaya did, it hurt me. I don't want to admit it but it broke me. I may not have been the best boyfriend and I admit I was starting to zone out from Shanaya and finding excuses to stay away."

"Like?"

"I don't know. Anything, I guess. Sometimes it was just picking up extra shifts at work so I didn't have to follow through with dinner or party plans. Does that make me a bad person?" I asked her earnestly.

I watched Akshara trying to think of the right words to say. "Maybe. But that does not make cheating okay either. Were you in love with her?"

"I...I did love her." I replied, hesitantly.

"I didn't ask if you loved her. I asked if you were in love with her."

"I...I don't know. I don't think so? Maybe? She wasn't my first girlfriend. I have been in relationships before and none of them have worked out. I guess I must have been the problem huh?"