ALL THE WORDS WE COULDN'T SAY

T W E N T Y

The nerve. The fucking nerve of Killian Hayes. I do not love him. And I never will. I refuse. I will not succumb to this trauma bond created between us. I will not fall victim to whatever conniving plan he's got going for him. I will not. I can not.

This was a bad fucking idea. I knew it. As I sat down in my room, I tried my best to push out the memory of him. But I couldn't.

Then look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me back.

Why couldn't I fucking say it? Just four words and that would have been it. It must've just been the overwhelming atmosphere with emotions flying everywhere. It must've been that because it couldn't be the alternative.

I met up with Sofia at The Barrel. She'd definitely been busy with Nathan just before. The flushed look on her face, the failed attempt of fixing up her hair, the bright pink patches on her neck.

"So you lot are keeping this a secret?" I asked, trying to wrap my head around this whole friends-but-not-really-also-kind-of-hate-you-because-you're-family-hates-mine-with-benefits situation.

Sofia sighed as she leaned back in her chair. "I don't really know but I think so."

"Is his dick really that good?" I propped my chin on my hand and gave a mischievous grin.

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you." She took a sip of her drink to cool down the blush on her cheeks.

I rolled my eyes. "Careful. He's a Libertine. Did you make him take an STI test?"

"Been there. Done that. Both of us." I rose my brows in both surprise and also respect, even though it was the bare minimum.

Speaking of the devil, Nathan walked in. Spotting the back of Sofia's head was the first thing he did before creeping up behind her and poking the sides of her torso. Sofia jerked back in her seat and whipped her head around. I caught the glimpse of pure excitement and joy that flashed across her eyes when she registered it was him. It almost made me feel sad that the only time I felt like that was with Killian.

"There's a party tonight, courtesy of the Libertines. You both are more than welcome to join." His smooth, confident voice filled the air as he leaned closer to her on the back of her chair.

"Is this a formal invitation?" Sofia asked, biting her lip to suppress the wide smile practically begging to form.

"Yes. And feel special about it. No one else is given a formal invitation, they all just show up."

"I think I'll pass." I took a sip of my beer. Sofia's eyes hardened as she refused to accept this, meanwhile, Nathan seemed more so confused.

"Killian's going to be there."

"And what do you want me to do about it?" I shot him a glare and he raised his hands in surrender.

"Sorry. But the invite's still open, in case you change your mind."

He left, but not before shooting Sofia a million-dollar grin that had her knees shaking underneath the table. Unfortunately, her high wore off when she turned back to me.

"You're coming."

I scoffed. "Like hell, I am."

"Please? I genuinely love going to motives with you."

It was, admittedly, really hard to say no to Sofia. So, we made a plan to meet each other back at The Barrel at nine. It was seven-thirty. As we split ways when heading to our accommodation, my eyes flickered across a poster on a noticeboard littered with activities and society ads. There was a ballerina in a croisé derriére position. A contemporary-ballet performance was happening tonight at eight. It featured an entire storyline, with a duet, a solo and a group dance. The fifteen-year-old in me jumped with pure thrill at the thought of witnessing such a performance, how high each dancer could jump, the fouetté turns, the crisp, silk pointe shoes. But I squashed the feeling down because I remember what that part of my life was like. Plus, I'd given up ballet when I finished school. There was no point to it anymore (no, pun not intended). After that terrible, last encounter with Killian, I couldn't bare to even put on the shoes he had bought me. What once was my ecstasy, the one thing I could drown myself in so far that I could shift into a dove flying into clouds on the horizon, became the one thing that sucked the life out of me.

But there was a little part of me that really wanted to go.

And before I knew it, I was texting Sofia.

Sorry, I can't make it. Emergency. - Me

Are you okay? You need me to come? - Sofia

No, it's fine. Have fun though. - Me

Won't be the same without you :( - Sofia

Don't worry about me. Have fun with Nathan ;) - Me

Love you x - Sofia

I arrived at the theatre with bursts of anxiety tumbling against the walls of my stomach. I tried my best to push away the thoughts of Chris, Killian, and even myself as I concentrated on the quiet rustle of people getting into their seats. Then it was silent for a while. I could just make out the deep red of the stage curtains before they were slowly peeled back and the lights turned on.

The opening was the solo. A small, dainty figure in pink silk and white floated across the stage as the music began. Her hair, surprisingly, was not in a neat bun, but rather it had been let loose. The soft, blonde curls chased her as she leapt back and forth with the music. She was very talented.

Something Madam Alarie used to say was that you could tell the difference between a dancer who does ballet and a ballerina was that a ballerina doesn't follow the music, the music follows them. And she was right. It was as if the music was being created with every step she took. Both graceful, yet cursed. There was an eerie tone to the performance. Like an invisible shadow of gloom that taunted the dancer. It progressed more as the solo continued until her moves became rapid and aggressive. The madness of the shadow was slowly taking over until she was writhing on the floor in agony. A shiver ran down my spine as the last of the twitches in her limbs subsided and the curtains drew closed. It was only then that my eyes began to burn severely. I'd completely forgotten to blink.