ALL THE WORDS WE COULDN'T SAY

T W E N T Y F O U R

What only felt real was when I entered a random pub and ordered a beer. I turned my face away from an overweight man sitting on the stool beside me. He reeked heavily of body odour and alcohol. I was done with my first bottle and was about to order another when the man spun around to leave, knocking over the empty bottle.

"My bad," he said as he struggled to bend over and retrieve it. He smiled at me with a pair of warm brown eyes. He could've been quite a stunner if he lost about 10 stone. "I'm quite clumsy when I've had a few."

"No worries." I returned his smile.

"Are you new here? I don't recognise you at all."

"I'm just visiting family."

"Oh. Well, this city's great for sightseeing. You should check out Marlow's Botanical Gardens. Perfect for a date too." He winked and I couldn't help but chuckle. I had seen the botanical gardens plenty of times when I used to live here. I always imagined taking Persy there someday. But now that prospect seemed fairly impossible.

"Thanks for the idea."

"No problem. A young man like you, I don't doubt you must get a lot of attention."

"I don't really notice all that, to be honest."

"Ah," he clicked a finger gun at me, "there's special someone isn't there?"

I nodded sheepishly in confirmation.

"Well, I wish you the best of luck then. Take my advice, better to shoot your shot now than later."

"It's a lot easier said than done I'm afraid," I took a swig of the second beer the bartender placed before me.

"Of course, but it's a leap of faith you've got to take. Anyway, I've got to go. Nice meeting you..."
He held his hand out for me.

"Killian Hayes." I shook it.

"Chris Richards." He replied.

It was like the world stopped spinning. My first thought was no... it couldn't be. Not him. He couldn't be Persy's abuser.

It only took a second of recollection as I watched him walk away in slo-mo. Persy mentioned his name only once when we sat on the banks of Lake Murphy, I could never forget that. She also talked about how she feared no one would ever believe her because he was so kind.

He's the type of man who'd smile at a stranger. He'd try to help you if you were struggling with something. If he accidentally dropped something, he'd never just leave it. He'll always pick it up without a doubt. That's the problem. He's a good man in every single other way.

Her description matched him perfectly. My hand began to sizzle where he had touched it. The chances that it was actually him were quite low. I mean, how common was the name 'Chris Richards' in a town practically full of Chris's and Richard's?

But I couldn't just let him leave, not without knowing for sure. I followed him out of the pub and tapped his shoulder. He seemed rather cheerful to see me again.

"Are you, by any chance, Persy's stepfather?" I tried my best to keep calm but the question felt like thorns against my throat.

His face contorted for a moment. The cheerful expression was gone and a spark of revelation flashed before his eyes.

"So it's you. The boy who ruined her." He looked me up and down and snarled.

I would have thrown up right there from the sheer thought that I actually had a decent conversation with a rapist. Persy's rapist. I would have if it were not for the rage that shot through every blood vessel in my body. I saw nothing but red as I used the same hand I just shook his with to pound into the blubbery flesh of his face. I couldn't stop. Not even when I both heard and felt the rupture of his nose. Three men had to pull me away and it was only then that I saw how much blood was spewing out of his face. But it wasn't enough. Not even the last kick I delivered to his balls. The delirious shrieks of pain weren't enough to compensate for the uncountable times he must've held his hand over Persy's mouth to stop hers. Hot tears flooded my vision as moments of that night came to my mind. Her cold, shaky hands. Her wet hair. Her rain-soaked loafers. My heart swelled in Persy's agony I knew I could never truly feel. It tore me to shreds to know that Persy would kill to have the life I've complained about for so long because no matter how tough it was, it was still better than hers. It was the safe haven she could never reach. And I, the stupid and disgustingly selfish boy that I was, turned away from her. From the only person in my life who cared about me.

I thought about it a lot at the police station. And when the officers told me he wasn't going to press charges. And when my father spat his usual, blasphemous remarks at me. And on the train back to the university.

I don't deserve Persy's forgiveness. And I never will.