Doki Doki Literature Club - The Taste of Sunshine

Black Hat

"Alright so...hold on, let me get this straight..." Natsuki said as she rubbed her hands together and then put them out to warm against the bonfire.  She had dressed to be warm enough inside the bingo hall for Monika's match, but sitting in Yuri's backyard at 12:30am in October reminded her of just how cold Autumn weather could be in spite of the unusually warm daytime temperatures they'd been having.  At the very least her Parfait Girls hoodie was keeping her upper body warm.  After warming her hands she inched her chair just a little closer to the fire then continued, "Your parents are paying for the four of us to go on a holiday vacation together?  Like seriously?"
    "I believe Monika said that it would be a ski trip" Yuri said, speaking up.  She was curled up on her lawn chair in black leggings and socks with a thick beige fleece. 
    "I know Yuri!  I'm not an idiot I can remember what she said five minutes ago, I just can't believe it...like...why?  Not that I'm complaining but why spend all that money on us?" Natsuki asked.
    Monika smiled.
    "I was surprised that they offered too.  Honestly, I think they're proud of me for getting my life back on track, and they know how much all of you mean to me so they wanted to do something nice for all of us" she said, there was a very gentle tone in her voice.
    "Geeze I wish my dad did stuff like that, the most I've gotten out of him was an apology and a new Blu-Ray player to replace the one he smashed on me before he was sober" Natsuki replied.
    Yuri shook her head in disapproval.
    "Natsuki that isn't fair to your father.  He's come a long way, and he does the best he can being a single income parent..." she said, Natsuki cut her off.
    "Yeah, I know that.  I was trying to make a joke which, surprise, you managed to kill" she snapped.
    "I...I'm sorry..." Yuri said, looking down. 
    Natsuki sighed.
    "It's fine...I think stuff with my dad is still sort of a sore spot for me.  Don't get me wrong, things are a lot better than they used to be, I just..." her eyes began to tear up, "You guys are really my family.  I don't have anyone else.  My older brother took off as soon as he turned eighteen and I haven't heard from him since.  I haven't seen or heard from my mom in over a decade, she always looked at my brother and I like an anchor anyways...I just...for the first time in my life I feel like I have a family with you guys.  I know he's doing his best...it's just that...there is a lot I am working forgiving.  I'm sorry for snapping at you Yuri, it isn't your fault" she said, extremely heartfelt.
    Yuri and Monika were both beginning to tear up as well.
    "Sisters?" Yuri said, extending her hand with her pinky out to make a pinky promise like they would when they were children.
    "Sisters" Natsuki replied as she locked her pinky around Yuri's and they shook.
    "You guys..." Monika said with a tear rolling down her cheek.  She sniffled, "You guys...are such pussies" she said as she began to laugh.
    "Monika!!  Language!!  What's gotten into you!?" Yuri protested, visibly shocked.
    "Oh, the queen bee over here is still on a high from almost crippling someone tonight during her match" Natsuki said.
    Monika shrugged and sat back, looking up at the sky and taking a deep breath.
    "What can I say, I'm the president of the ass kicking club" she said, turning her attention back to Natsuki and Yuri.
    There was a long silence with only the crackling of the fire as their companion before Yuri finally spoke up.
    "Monika?  I'm concerned about this vacation...I can't ski" she finally said.
    "You can't?" Natsuki said, starting to laugh.
    "Can you ski, Natsuki?" Monika asked.
    "Huh?  Well...no..." she replied.
    Yuri covered her mouth and started to giggle, Monika smiled at Yuri.
    "Oh that's funny, team up on the littlest one here!" Natsuki said as she reached over and gave Yuri's arm a playful smack before starting to laugh as well.
    "I'm just looking forward to having time with you guys.  I can't even remember if we've seen or talked to each other since graduation" Monika said.
    "Well, we've all been pretty busy.  I know Natsuki has her apprenticeship, and I've been busy with my classes.  And Sayori..." Yuri said but was interrupted by Natsuki.
    "Hey speaking of Sayori, she went inside to get snacks like forever ago, where is she?" she said.
    "I'll go check on her" Yuri said and got up, slipping her shoes back on and heading across the yard back into the house.
    "If anyone could mess up getting things for smores and bringing them out here, it would be Sayori" Natsuki said to Monika.
    "I won't disagree with you" she replied with a laugh.
    Natsuki smiled.
    With the pair on their own out at the bonfire, Natsuki adjusted in her chair and looked up at the night sky, her breath dancing before her on the cold Autumn air.  Despite Monika being a good friend, it had been some time since they really connected.  She almost felt at a loss for what to say, where would she even begin considering the huge transformation that Monika seemed to have gone through since graduation.  Finally she turned her attention from the stars back to her friend and smiled softly.
    "How did we lose track of each other?" Natsuki finally asked.
    There was a long pause as Monika exhaled and looked up at the sky, then turned her attention to the dancing flames before her.
    "I don't have an answer.  I really don't..." Monika explained, "I think it's just...well, after graduation I made some major mistakes.  And after that...well, I had time to reflect.  Natsuki, I've spent my entire life just listening to everyone else.  Do this Monika, do that Monika.  Sayori almost dying was what it took to pull my eyes open.  We've all been trained to just blindly listen and follow along.  Think about it, had there ever been a time in your life where you felt strong enough to break free from what the mold was?  From what you were told you were allowed to do?  We're all just zombies that are glued to our screens, waiting for that notification icon telling us that some random stranger on the other side of the planet agrees with us.  Is that living?  Waiting for strangers to determine our sense of worth?  No, I don't agree with that, and it isn't how I want to live anymore.  I think I had to rediscover myself, and see who it was that was waiting on the other side of the door inside my head.  It's just...I..."she said, Natsuki shook her head and spoke to her gently.
    "What happened to Sayori...her being broken...that began years and years ago, none of it was your fault.  The constant pressure of parents who she could never please, standards she could never live up to, a path in life that had already been decided on without her thoughts on any of it?  Those were the things that put the noose around her neck.  You're one of the best things to ever happen to her, and don't ever forget that.  And now?  My God Monika, you're a role model for all of us" Natsuki said.
    "Why...are you being so unusually kind?" Monika asked, she could feel her heart breaking all over again thinking about what Sayori must have gone through.
    "Sometimes, Monika...sometimes people deserve second chances.  None of us are perfect" she replied and got up from her chair, deciding to take the one next to Monika rather than talk across the fire.
    Again there was a drawn out silence between the pair.
    "You've really changed..." Monika said with a soft smile.
    Natsuki looked at her and shrugged her shoulders.
    "Don't make it weird" she said and then started to laugh, Monika did as well.
    "Ok, topic change" Monika said, turning towards Natsuki more.  "Are you seeing anyone?"
    Natsuki's face lit up a bright red.
    "W...what?  No, not at all!" she stammered.
    "Uh-huh...but you clearly have a crush on someone" Monika said with a sly smile.
    Natsuki slowly began to make a fist, even thinking about it frustrated her.
    "It's...it's not important.  Relationships are stupid anyways!" she argued.
    "Well, maybe...but if you find the right person...maybe they're worth it" Monika replied.
    There was a long drawn out pause again as they both watched the bonfire.  Natsuki could feel her heart racing in her chest.  She felt butterflies in her stomach, her face was flush, she wasn't able to speak without her voice waving.  Slowly she took a breath and leaned back in her chair, trying to relax.
    "Natsuki?" Monika said.
    "Hm?" she replied, looking over.
    "Your secret is safe with me" she said.
    "I don't know what you're talking about" Natsuki said, standing firm.
    "I can read you like a book" Monika said with a laugh.
    "Well then lets close this book and pick another one" Natsuki replied, rolling her eyes and looking away.
    "Ok, just make me a promise though" Monika said.
    "What's that?" Natsuki asked.
    "Don't be afraid to figure out who you really are, and what you really want.  I can't imagine what you've been through, but you're deserving of everything that everyone else is" she said, gently smiling.
    "Monika?" she replied softly.
    "Yeah Natsuki?" she said.
    "Shut up" Natsuki said with a grin.
    "Noted" Monika said with a smile and nod.  "Anyways, how's your apprenticeship going?"
    "Ugh, I'm learning a ton but am extremely busy all of the time.  It's been a great experience, but I'm always so tired, it makes me really thankful for nights like this when I can just relax with friends" Natsuki explained.  "What about you?  I can't imagine it's easy staying in that kind of shape"
    Monika burst out laughing.
    "That's one way to put it.  I have to train almost every day, strict diet, tons of exercise and weight training" Monika explained.  "But it's all worth it when I get to ask who wants tickets to the gun show" she said and flexed her bicep.
    "You're such an idiot" Natsuki said starting to giggle.  She looked back towards the house and then back to Monika.  "Is Yuri coming back?"
    "Ah, let them take their time.  I'm having fun just visiting" Monika said.
    Natsuki smiled and nodded, and the pair continued their ever branching conversation.  Inside, Yuri had been sucked into a game of cards with her younger sister Kaori and Sayori.  Kaori was only Yuri's junior by three years but often times acted like she was at least a decade younger.  Sayori and Kaori connected well, the two had a relatively immature sense of humor, and Sayori really enjoyed being able to just goof around with her.  It wasn't that Sayori didn't love the others, but Kaori gave her free reign to experience a bit of childhood that she had missed out on.  This was something that Yuri understood, and didn't push back on too hard when Sayori and her little sister were paired up.  The three sat at the kitchen table looking at their cards, Kaori finally looking up and locking eyes with Yuri.
    "Did you do your homework?" Yuri asked.
    "Loser says what?" Kaori mumbled, barely audible.
    "What?" Yuri asked.
    "HA! Loser" she replied, laughing as Yuri began to clutch her cards tighter.  "Oh lighten up, mom and dad told you to get the stick out of your ass anyways"
    "Kaori, language!" Yuri said, startled by her sister.
    Sayori began to laugh and then had to cover her mouth as her laughter grew.  Yuri looked at her and began speaking seriously.
    "You wouldn't be laughing if you saw her last grade report, Sayori.  Three failing marks, and our father has already warned her if she doesn't have an immediate improvement that he will be taking away her phone.  As he should" Yuri said.
    "Oh wow, if I came home with a failing grade my mom would have beaten me with a phone book.  Actually she used to do that, she was smart, a phone book won't leave marks" Sayori said, laughing, but Yuri could see there was clearly some discomfort in her revisiting the memory.
    "Ah...let's change topics" Yuri said.  "Sayori, how's Genji been?"
    Sayori perked up.
    "He's doing good!  I practically live with him I'm over there so much.  He helped me setup a studio in one of their extra bedrooms for recording and video editing, and sometimes I do some streaming there too.  It's been really fun, he's so supportive of everything and helps me with it too!" she said happily.
    "That sounds romantic, having someone who cares about you that much" Yuri said, smiling gently.
    "Boring!" Kaori said and narrowed her gaze on Sayori, "Ok, so be honest, how is he in bed?"
    "Kaori!  Enough!" Yuri snapped, "Why are you even asking things like this, you're much too young to even know what you're asking!"
    "I bet he's like a jackhammer" Kaori said, "He's fucking hot, I saw a picture of him in Yuri's yearbook and..." she continued but Yuri cut her off.
Yuri was now getting up and grabbing her sister by the arm, pulling her away from the table.  Sayori had turned bright red, completely unsure of how to respond.  She looked down at the table and just smiled to herself slightly listening to Yuri drag Kaori through the house, kicking her out of the bonfire party, relegating her to her bedroom for the rest of the night.
"Sayori, I am so sorry about her.  And that question and her comments, completely inappropriate" Yuri said.  "It's no one's business..." she continued, but Sayori stopped her.
"You know...I love Genji...at least I think I do.  But, something like that?  I need to make sure that he and I are going to be together forever first.  I just...I don't want to give that part of me up so easily, not until I know for sure.  And we...we just haven't been together long enough as a couple for me to be sure.  I'm sorry...I know that probably sounds so stupid..." Sayori explained, but Yuri smiled and put her hand on Sayori's.
"Not stupid at all, you take everything at your own pace, only you know what that is" Yuri said, the pair smiled at each other.
"Oh, the s'mores!" Sayori exclaimed, "Ok lets get everything and bring it back outside".
"I have something for special occasions like this, I'll meet you outside in a minute" Yuri said with a smile.
Natsuki was all too happy to see Sayori finally reemerge with everything needed for them to start making some sweet snacks.  Monika had just put some more wood on the fire, the flames climbing just a bit higher, dancing beautifully against the darkness. 
"Hey where's Yuri?" Natsuki asked as she started to eat a marshmallow.
As she asked she could see Yuri coming back to the group with a bottle of wine and four cups. 
"Now it's a party" Natsuki said with a laugh.
"I shouldn't be eating and drinking all this but...this is a special occasion" Monika said as she took a cup, letting Yuri pour her a bit of the red wine.
"Ok let's see, so its chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker...then more chocolate" Sayori said.
    "Are you kidding me?" Natsuki said, "The graham cracker goes on the outside, then the chocolate and marshmallow on the inside"
    "But I like the chocolate on the outside" Sayori said with an innocent smile.
    "Yeah, and you'll make a huge mess" Natsuki replied, as if scolding a child.
    "Natsuki, be nice" Yuri said.
    Natsuki picked up a chocolate bar and threw it at Sayori, the pair laughing when then extended to Yuri and Monika as well.  This was exactly what the four of them needed.  While none realized it at the time, being apart was more than just missing friends.  For these young women, being away from one another was the same as missing an arm or leg.  Through all their good times and bad, they'd grown so close that to think after graduation they would scatter...it was almost unbelievable.  And they would need this sisterhood, now more than ever.  Each carried with them their own burdens, and while may have been weak individually, together they could overcome anything.  They sat, laughing and talking into the night before finally each falling asleep in front of the fire.  And it was in that silence, in the glow of the dancing flames, Yuri shot awake.

Eye   seEEEeeee   You   yuRi

    "Y...you aren't real...you...you aren't there" she said as she jumped up from her chair and ran inside. 

RuN  rUn  LiTTle  RaBBit

    "Y...you aren't there, you aren't there!!" Yuri shouted as she raced through her house.  She realized that in her focus on studying and then visiting with her friends, she had forgotten to take the evening dose of her medication, Chlorpromazine.  She rushed to the bathroom and got out the medication bottle from the medicine cabinet, took a pill and swallowed it with some water from the sink.  Leaning back against the wall she sank to the floor, covering her ears, as she began to cry.  She scrunched her eyes closed and began counting backwards from ten, when she opened her eyes again Kaori was sitting on the floor next to her.  The two stared at each other for a moment, and Yuri sniffled as Kaori latched onto her sister and hugged her as hard as she could.
    "It's...it's him..." she said, barely able to catch her breath, "The man in the black hat" Yuri finally managed to get out.
    The man in the black hat was a nightmarish hallucination that had tormented Yuri since before she graduated.  At first, it was just out of the corner of her eye, and then she would see him in the distance, or mixed in among a crowd.  A man with no face save for flesh bleeding and torn where a mouth would be with rows of razor teeth behind.  He wore a black suit and black hat, his figure jagged and broken, his movements accompanied by the sound of nauseating bones popping in and out of place.  Yuri had become so terrified and paranoid that at one point she was convinced that he was living inside of her, and if she cut herself she might be able to pull him out. This came to a head when during one of her episodes, Yuri injured herself so badly that she needed to be taken to the hospital for stitches.  And it was then that she was admitted for a psychological evaluation and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.  The medication, thankfully, kept the man in the black hat at bay for the most part.  But, on occasion, he would still slip through the cracks, his gravelly voice cackling at Yuri.
    "He's not real...this, this is what's real" she said as she rested her head against Yuri's.
    Yuri hugged her sister back, and after a short time was able to compose herself enough to return to her friends.  Kaori walked her back outside and hugged her one more time, telling her that if she needs anything to come get her.  Yuri smiled and nodded before settling back into her lawn chair.  Before Kaori went back inside she put a couple more pieces of wood on the bonfire, the flames dancing ever higher towards the night sky.  Yuri looked at her friends, and then up at the night sky where she saw a shooting star streak across the sky.  She looked at everyone again then back up at the sky.
    "I wish...I wish I was normal, like all of you" she finally said, before gently drifting back off to sleep.