Doki Doki Literature Club - The Taste of Sunshine

The Ties that Bind

"Sayori, turn down the damn music!!" Natsuki shouted from the kitchen.  She was feverishly stirring the contents of her mixing bowl.  "You know, I invited you over because you said that you wanted to learn how to make cupcakes, and you're over here fucking around!" she continued as she continued stirring the brown sugar, milk and butter. 
    "What?" Sayori shouted back to Natsuki as she saw her come into the living room.  The stereo was blasting Juke Joint Jezebel by KMFDM so loud that Natsuki was worried about having one of the neighbors call the police to file a noise complaint.  Sayori was wearing black leggings with bright pink socks, and a pink spaghetti strap crop top.  Natsuki found herself getting angrier and angrier as she watched Sayori jumping on the couch like a child.  She set the mixing bowl down on the table and walked over to the stereo, shutting it off.  "Be mine, sis..." Sayori continued to sing for a second, not realizing the music had stopped.
    "Fucking finally!  Now I can hear myself.  Listen, if you want to learn then follow me ot the kitchen, if not then you need to go home.  I have to learn this recipe and thought it would be a good chance to teach you since you wanted to learn but if you're just here to goof around we will have to do it another day" Natsuki said with a firm tone.
    "I...sorry" Sayori said then began to giggle. 
    "Come here" Natsuki said and grabbed her arm, leading her to the window where the morning light was better.
    "What is it?' Sayori asked.
    Natsuki gave her a hard look, almost as if looking through her.
    "You're high, aren't you" Natsuki said with an authoritative snap.
    "W...what?  No I'm not!" Sayori said.
    "Yeah you are, your pupils are like dinner plates.  You know what, I was really looking forward to this today Sayori.  I love baking..." Natsuki said as she picked the  mixing bowl back up, "...and I really want to teach you, but not like this.  You can watch today, I won't tell you to go home because I don't want you to drive like this but you can't help me, sorry.  I need these to turn out right.  I've got to learn the recipe correctly for my apprenticeship"
    There was a long silence.
    "I'm sorry Natsuki" Sayori said and slowly began to walk ahead of her into the kitchen where she sat down at the table. 
    "I mean when in the world did you even have time to smoke?  You didn't do it while you were here!" Natsuki snapped at her.
    "...In the car before I came in, I've just...I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately...I'm sorry"
She put her head down on the table and began to cry.  Natsuki rolled her eyes and then debated whether or not to continue working on the frosting, or sit with Sayori to help calm her down.  In truth, part of Natsuki looked at Sayori in disgust.  She wasn't sure if it was out of jealousy over Genji, or frustration watching her best friend wallow in the pool of substance crutching, but in that moment Natsuki felt a tinge in her that wanted to hurt Sayori.  For always being the one who made people laugh and tried to cheer them up, for always being the one who somehow saved the day for everyone else when the world was crumbling...for selfishly trying to kill herself all to steal the boy who she loved.  No, surely that couldn't be...Sayori wouldn't try to take her own life all to get Genji's attention, would she?  She had been the only one who Natsuki ever opened up to about how she had really felt about Genji, that she made two strawberry cupcakes as a special treat for the two of them to have on the day of the festival where she planned to tell him how she truly feel.  But instead...that was the day that Sayori cashed in all of her chips on a bet that Genji would not only save her, but fall for her. 
She shook her head, no none of that was right.  This was Sayori, her best friend to the end.  Genji being with her was just how things turned out, she'd meet someone else...right?  If that was the case, why was it that every time she looked at Sayori she felt like the air was slowly being pulled out of her lungs by some unseen force?  That no matter how much she masked it and smiled, she wanted to punch her right in her loud mouth for taking the boy who she loved so dearly.  Natsuki wondered how easy it might be to take one of the sharpest kitchen knives and drive it down into the back of Sayori's neck while she cried.  No...this wasn't right, this wasn't healthy, and Natsuki knew it.  She would continue to push back against these delusions, this was her best friend that she was talking about. 
Shaking her head to clear her thought she finally decided to take time out from baking to sit with Sayori.  Natsuki sat next to her and put an arm around her.
"Sayori...what's going on?" she finally asked.
Sayori turned her head slightly towards her.
"It's just everything Natsuki.  I can't help anyone, no matter how hard I try.  I'm just...I'm completely useless" she said before turning away and beginning to cry again.
"What?  Sayori, you're the one who's always able to make everyone laugh, or cheer them up.  Without you, I can't even imagine what the world would be like" Natsuki said to her.
Sayori sniffled and then sat up.
"You're just saying that to be nice to me.  I know I'm a bother to most everyone, even my own family wants nothing to do with me" she replied.
"We've been over this, your parents were not good people, and they are not representative of how much you mean to the rest of us.  Look what you did to help my family!  My dad looks at you like another daughter, in fact I'm pretty sure everyone's parents do.  So, where is all of this coming from?  Because I know you well enough to know when there is something deeper going on" Natsuki said firmly.
There was a silence, Sayori put her head back down on the table but was looking in Natsuki's direction.  They locked eyes, Natsuki knew that Sayori had something she wanted to say but couldn't get it out properly.
"I...I'm not sure how to explain any of it.  Do you ever feel like none of this is real?  We aren't really here, none of our problems really exist, we're all stuck in a cruel dream and just beyond the sky and stars is our real life, where we're all happy...do you ever feel that way, Natsuki?" she asked, her voice sounding hollow.
"Honestly Sayori...no, I haven't.  It's a nice thought that there is some real life beyond all of this, that we all magically will wake up and life will have everything nearly stacked up for each of us...but I haven't ever felt that way.  I think I've just experienced too much pain to be that delusional" she replied, sounding somewhat cold.
Sayori shifted her eyes, looking at Natsuki, then shifted back to looking off into space.  She didn't have a response, these feelings were something different than a rainy day sadness, these were feelings of sheet helplessness.  And despite being best friends, Sayori knew that Natsuki and she had unresolved issues that needed to be spoken about...but this was not the time or place, and she knew that.
"Can I put the music back on?  I won't turn it up too loud this time...I promise" Sayori asked, sounding deflated.
Natsuki sighed.
"Alright, we'll have some time to dance, and then I am going to teach you how to make this frosting, understand?  Doing something constructing will help you feel better" Natsuki said as she got up and then extended her hand to Sayori.
Meanwhile, not far from home Genji had met up with Monika at her behest after not seeing him when the girls had all gotten together previously.  While seeing Sayori, Natsuki and Yuri had been filled with all the pomp and excitement that a long coming reunion might be expected to have, seeing Genji was extraordinarily low key.  The pair met at their usual meeting place, an old fishing shack along a stream that ran through the nearby Blackwood Park.  The park had the unfortunate reputation for being a destination for those seeking to commit suicide due to the sheer density of the woods and ease of being able to get lost...but Genji and Monika?  They'd grown up playing in the park, respectively, so much so that they each knew much of the woods like the back of their hand.  Monika had regularly camped with her family every Summer here, and Genji had (dangerously) spent countless hours exploring the expansive woods.  How he made it through his youth without the park swallowing him was something of a miracle, but it was also a testament to his at times flippant attitude towards life.  He had arrived a fair bit before she did and brought with him a treasure trove of snacks including trail mix, potato crisps, granola bars along with bottles of juice.
The fishing shack was still semi-operable, although long abandoned.  Genji assumed that the only reason it hadn't utterly fallen into ruin these past years was due to he and Monika visiting on a somewhat regular basis.  There had been a span of time where they thought that it might be fun to get into fishing, however after multiple attempts and catching nothing they collectively decided that it was actually a far more relaxing use of their time to just hang out and talk.  For the pair, Blackwood Park held countless memories...some extremely happy, some extraordinarily sad...and one secret that the pair swore they'd take to their grave, no matter what the cost.  Today though?  He remembered comforting Monika here after her grandfather passed away, they had been extremely close and it hit her exceptionally hard when he died.  At the same time, Monika had always been more than happy to listen when Genji needed to vent, especially when it was about his father.  He bore insecurities, feeling he wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, because of how he was abandoned.  Monika had a way of snapping Genji out of his sadness, something that even Sayori had a difficult time accomplishing when it happened.  In fact, unknown to anyone else in the club, Genji and Monika were each other's first kiss.  It took some acting when they formed the Literature Club to pretend they didn't know each other as well as they did, but the pair were nothing short of childhood sweethearts at one time.  But, that's really all it was, a childhood crush that fizzled out over time and now they enjoyed a good friendship.
"Hey stranger!" Monika said excitedly as she finally arrived at the fishing shack. 
Genji was stunned, she looked beautiful even after bundling up for the cold weather.  Monika wore a thick mint-green sheepskin hoodie with one of her "Fight like a girl" t-shirts, and ocean blue jogging pants with her black and neon pink Nike sneakers.  In contrast, Genji had worn jeans that had countless tears in them with black boots, a WWE Roman Reigns Bloodline t-shirt and leather jacket.  He felt like a complete slob next to her, but at the same time knew that she had always loved his dressing like this, it was something she always wished she'd been able to do growing up but her parents had put their foot down with a firm no.  That was what made her getting tattoos so startling, but...this wasn't the same Monika that he had known back in high school.
"Hey!" he replied, jumping up from where he had been sitting and going to greet her.  They hugged tightly then Monika stepped back and looked him over, head to toe.
"I love it" she said smiling, "You've still got it Genji, I wish I could pull this off like you do" she said, her voice was filled with happiness.
"Pull what off?  These were all scattered on my bedroom floor" he said with a grin.
"Same smartass that I remember" she said with a giggle.
They sat down together, eager to eat and talk, each needed this downtime to relax more than they realized.  It reminded them both so much of when they were younger, a much simpler time when the biggest worry in the world was what time they had to be home for dinner.  So far the world beyond high school hadn't been particularly kind to either, but they were each on their paths into the future now with no way to go back and alter choices of the past that led here.  In retrospect, these same decisions led each to the circle of friends that they had, who were a family unto themselves...so in truth, neither one really regretted any of it when looking back.  The day wore on as the pair continued to just sit and talk, catching up on months of missed contact.  There came a point finally when Monika turned to Genji and just stared at him, smiling, completely silent.
"What is it?" Genji finally asked.
"Do you ever regret it?" she asked.
Genji looked out at the stream.  The water was so tranquil, he wished that he could stay here forever and just enjoy the serenity that it offered.  He wondered what it would have been like being born into a time where he might have been able to be a fisherman out on the water like this, when there was no technology or clutter of modern society, when all he would have known was his village and had a sense of awe when he thought about the world beyond the distant hills.  But...that was merely a dream.  The world...no, even the mysteries of the universe, could be accessed from the palm of his hand through his iPhone.  This wasn't living, this was a prison they were all living in, within the confines of a cage so large that none of them realized that they weren't truly free.
"Well?" Monika asked after another moment.
"You'll have to be more specific" Genji finally said.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about Genji" she said, turning her attention to the water as he had.
    There was a long silence between the pair.  Genji thought about her question.  A couple of kids out in the woods like this, looking back on something and debating regret, it wouldn't be a far stretch to wonder if it was a question not far off from regretting having sex, or at the very least being involved with each other behind everyone else's back.  But that wasn't the case here.  Beyond their first kiss together, there was no romantic history between Genji and Monika.  What they did share though was something much deeper, something that neither of them had ever intended to happen, and something that the pair swore each other to secrecy over.  Genji could still remember it as if the entire thing had just happened yesterday.  He and Monika digging with their bare hands in the mud as rain poured down, not too far from the edge of the stream.  He remembered that even though the rain was pouring down he could still see the tears streaming down Monika's face as they dug until their fingers were raw.  The pair dragged in the body of one of Monika's classmates, and then filled the hole, stamping the dirt back down and leaving the rain to do the rest, washing away their footprints.
    "No" Genji finally said, "There's no reason to, and you shouldn't either"
    Monika looked out towards where they had dug and dug that rainy afternoon, a faint smile came across her face.
    "You're right" she said as she stood up.  "I didn't realize how much time got away from us, we should get going"
    "We need to do this again sometime, I miss this" he said as they hugged.
    "Agreed completely" Monika replied, "Oh, and you have to come see one of my matches!" she began as they began their walk back out of the woods.
    While Genji and Monika had been visiting, Sayori and Natsuki, after a very long morning and afternoon, had finally worked together and successfully made sea-salt caramel frosting.  As an added bonus, Natsuki taught Sayori how to make the chocolate cupcake batter that they would later bake.  She wasn't sure how much Sayori actually remembered, but what she did know for sure was how happy Sayori ended up being by the end.  The pair truly had an amazing time baking together, despite a rocky start to the day.  And as a bonus, Sayori was able to take home a cupcake for herself and Genji that she helped to make.  This was a first for her, and she was beyond excited to share them with him.  It made her heart swell even larger with pride that evening when Genji told her how good they turned out, and how proud he was of her.  Sayori's smile couldn't have beamed any wider, it had been one of the best days she could remember in quite a while.
    Later that evening, a rainstorm started.  Monika stepped out onto her back porch and let the rain pelt her face as she looked up to the sky and smiled.  The cool wind and sounds of thunder made her feel alive.  She felt like the rain could wash away anything...and, Monika was right.  At Blackwood Park, the stream that she and Genji had been at earlier, unknown to them, had been flooding and receding regularly these past years, taking with it bits of soil every time.  And with tonight's rainfall, enough soil had begun to wash away for the top of a skull to finally be visible in the dirt.