star sailors (l.s.)

25. Death

Harry's POV

About 275 million stars die every day.

"My mum died", I say.

Oh god. This is the dumbest thing someone ever told the other one when just having kissed.

I'm just not good with other people.

There's a solar eclipse happening in Louis' face. The light just disappears.

"Fuck."

I nod.

"So sorry, Harry, fuck. I don't know. I'm so sorry."

I shrug. Why is he sorry? He didn't do anything.

"She's a raspberry cloud now."

Louis is crying. I don't know why he's crying. It's not his mum, not even I cried.

He wipes away the one tear that's running down his cheek.

"Don't cry", I say, "We're astronauts, remember? We're brave. We don't cry."

Louis cries even more then. I don't know what to do.

So I cry too.

Oh.

I haven't cried about it in a year now. I don't know why I'm crying.

Then I feel Louis arms wrap around me. He hugs me. He's protecting me, like the ring around Saturn.

"Harry", he whispers, "You're allowed to cry."

So I cry. A lot. Fuck, I can't stop it anymore.

My insides clench. I can't breathe.

My mum's gone. She's just a cloud anymore.

"She's not a cloud", I burst out, "Why do I keep telling myself that? I'm so stupid."

I'm so childish, I'm so dumb. Stupid space, stupid clouds, mum is gone. I won't ever get to her again, not even if I built myself a rocket and forgot about the space suit.

I cry so much that not even the heaviest storm would be calmer. I'm shaking, badly. Louis holds me the whole time. Protects me.

"Oh, Harry", he whispers, softly. "Baby. It's okay."

Baby. Only the cool boys at school call their girlfriends that. I want to be his baby; I want him to be there for me.

"You're not stupid, H. I think you're the smartest person I know."

"You don't think space is stupid?"

"No, of course not. You're the weirdest person I know, Harry. You're weird and awkward but that's what makes me like you so much. You're also funny and beautiful and brave and smart."

Beautiful. No one except for mum ever said that to me. I wonder if he thinks I'm more beautiful than the NCG 1448.

I snuggle into his sweater he always wears, let myself be swallowed by it as if it was a black hole.

"You're not stupid, Harry. You're my astronaut."