Epiphany

chapter 17

Discovering
I always thought it was for the best outcomes but I realized in my case it was for the worst.
There were a lot of times I had wanted to give up  but that night,my will to live was hanging on a very thin thread.

Family
That's what came to my mind.
I couldn't be angry,I couldn't hate,I couldn't even hurt them.
That's who I was. That's who I am.
Mason,what would he think of me,I promised to be strong after all but I was giving up. I didn't even try,I felt like I was making him a fool for being friends with me.
I didn't want to hurt him,at all. He was the best person and he still is.

I'm still nervous as I make my way down to the park to meet Mason,my mom had asked where I was going when I left home and I told her to meet a friend.
I was still hurt and I knew I really wanted them to know that. I just haven't figured out how to approach it.

"Hey" I say as I approach mason
"Luke!" he says hugging me tightly,I flinched because I didn't expect that much affection from him. It meant a lot.
"How are you? Are you okay?"
"Yh,I'm sorry mason"
He sighs and pulls me to sit with him on a bench close to the swing.
"what happened,I know something's wrong Luke. Please tell me."
"I...I don't want to live anymore mason. And I'm scared."
"Oh no Luke. Please don't say that,we will figure it out hmm,trust me. Just talk to me, I'll listen to everything,just tell me whatever is on your mind. I'll listen"
And I did.
I told him how that night I tried to kill myself,but I was scared,I didn't want to die like that.
I didn't
I haven't achieved so much,if not anything at all.
I wanted to do so much,but all I wanted to do at that point that night was just to hurt myself.
I didn't have the courage to do it,I couldn't even go back home,I didn't want to.
So I called my aunt,I knew she'd listen and she had picked me up that night.
She didn't ask what was wrong,she gave me food and let me sleep but my mind didn't let me be,those thoughts didn't leave my mind.
That voice that I knew all too well didn't fail to remind how useless I was.

"I cut myself,I couldn't stop,I just kept doing it."
I was crying so much while talking that I didn't realize mason had also started crying.
"It was like I wasn't myself,like I was just another person watching myself hurt myself. I was telling myself to stop but I didn't listen,I couldn't hear myself."
"Oh my God Luke"
Mason says as he hugs me,we kept crying and he didn't let me go.

Almost an hour later when we were calm,
I told mason about my family,my father,my sister,my brother. I didn't hold anything back. I knew if I didn't I would regret ever saying anything,I would regret opening up.
But mason kept on listening,he didn't judge me,he didn't shout at me,he didn't hit me,he didn't have that look of frustration and annoyance when I kept talking.
And I realized,maybe this is what it felt like to have a best friend,
Someone who was honest,
Someone who was true,
Someone who really did care.
My best friend.

"Are you comfortable?"
Mason asks me as he tried to move closer to me.
"Hmm"
Mason didn't go home that night,he actually had asked his parents earlier before he came if he could stay and they had agreed,my mom also allowed him and i was really grateful for that. At first,I didn't like the fact that he was doing so much for me but then he had said he wanted to make sure that I was okay,that's why he wanted to stay over and he kept insisting so I eventually gave in.
We are laying down on a duvet on the roof outside my room window. I've never had someone stat with me like this,to hold me so it was kinda awkward at first.
I had also never noticed how beautiful the bight sky was from there from my window.
"Do you wrists hurt?"
"not really,I'm fine mason" I look to my side to see his face better and I smile.
"Please don't get hurt,you're the only friend I have and I'm not ready to let go."
"You have so many friends mason"
I internally laugh at what he said. I mean it is true.
"Well,about that. I don't really talk to them,I just do it cause our parents know each other,they are all stuck up kids and they don't do anything fun."
"I don't do anything fun either,I literally want to sleep all the time. I don't even like going out."
"Exactly,so perfect."
I laugh at that.
"I'm serious,you are amazing. You do so much for everyone even when its not okay or convenient for you,you're so smart,you dress really cool and you are cute."
"Eww cute? More of cool and depressed." I say wiggling my eyebrows at him.
He laughs before talking again.
"I'm glad you are talking to me. And you trust me,thanks"
"More of thanks for sticking to me even when I always ignored you. I mean anyone would have walked away. Thanks,but I want to know something,why didn't you walk away,you know why did you stay?"
"Because I was once like you."
"What do you mean?"
He sighs and sits up,I do the same.
"Well,my family wasn't always okay once and my dad lost his job,apparently some kids found out and always made fun of me because my parents had to beg the school to let me in because they didn't have money to pay."
Oh
Wow
I didn't know that.
"Well a lot of stuff happened and I remember what my dad used to say,he said that I should never pay attention to the things people always said,the negative things they said. He said to always focus on the positive,to talk and to think the positive.
He always said something about the mind,he said even though we weren't where we wanted to be,everything happened for a purpose and that I should only allow positive thoughts in my head. I really didn't understand at first and it was difficult,I mean it was pretty stupid to me times when I felt extremely sad and I'd say to myself that 'I'm happy'. But it worked and slowly the things those people said didn't get to me anymore and I started overcoming my depression with my words and mind."
He sighed again and looked at me,
"Luke,the mind,it controls a lot of things in our lives. Its sounds stupid I know but its true,what you believe yourself to be,you would be. Eventually but everything happens for a purpose."
The mind.
I had heard of something like that before but I didn't understand it.
At all.
"I didn't know you went through all that,I'm so sorry."
He smiles, "its not your fault,why are you apologizing. What I'm just trying to  say is that you're stronger than you think and I'm here to help you overcome everything,you'll be fine."
"Do you really think so? That,that I can be better?"
"Yes,you just have to believe and make things right."
I sigh
Maybe
"Don't worry your little cute head for now,let's sleep"
"Hmm"

Okay guys,what do you think?
This is definitely not what I had on my laptop but its should do right?
I actually didn't like the one I had originally written though but please comment,what do you think?