Bad at Endings.

Chapter 12

That night I can't sleep.
As I lay in my bed with the darkness and silence of my bedroom after midnight all around me I can't help but wonder whether I made the right decision.
Whether, just maybe, I went and pushed John too far.
Every time I close my eyes I see his face, as it had looked when I left him alone in that closet......in all senses of the word really.
He had looked so sad and.....hurt.....and maybe....desperate.
Desperate for a solution to present itself that does not involve anything changing in the situation between us.
He tells me I'm important but he also tells me he needs more time.
There is something going on in his life he won't tell me about. Something heavy that he carries and he doesn't trust me enough to let me help him share in the load.
How can that make me feel anything but not important enough?

There had been a small part of me, that I can only admit having been there now that I'm alone in my bedroom, that had hoped he'd come after me.
That I'd suddenly feel the warm grasp of his fingers on my skin again as he pulled me back against him, held me tight and told me I was right, that this had all been a terrible misunderstanding, that he did want me....does.....want me.
But he hadn't.
And I had stormed off alone.
And now I'm second guessing having done so.
Because, what if he decides I am not worth all this trouble after all?
What if he decides to never come after me again?

What if, by giving him an ultimatum, I've ended things?

I should have never pushed him.
I'm terrible with endings.
Suddenly I'm hot and cold all over as panic rises like bile in the back of my throat.
What if the last time John spoke to me will have been that argument.......what if........

I make a grab for my phone.
It's 1am.
I've already got the messenger app opened before I start second guessing myself again.
What would I even send to John at this time of night?
I don't know.
There's nothing that comes to mind that doesn't sound hopelessly needy and pathetic or down-right untrue.
I did mean what I said but I also don't want to lose him.
We just can't go on as we have been but we also don't seem to be able to move forward.
We're stuck.
Our feet are sinking away in that deep layer of muddy sand right at the edge of the shore that the waves leave behind each time they retreat.
Neither of us is quite ready to swim out further because we're afraid we'll drown but we've already waded in too far to turn around and go back.

I stare at the light of the screen until my eyes start to water.
I sigh and put my phone away on the night-stand.
Once again I try to sleep.

*******************************************

I do fall asleep eventually but of course I dream about John.
In my dream we are at the beach again and the sun is still high in the sky.
We are lying on our backs next to each other and John's hand is in mine.
His fingers feel sturdy and warm and his grip anchors me to the ground and makes it impossible for me to get up.
We don't speak but the sun above our dream-beach is moving faster and faster across the sky. Soon night will come on and the tide will roll itself out across our part of the beach like a blanket and we can't stay here.
I turn to John to tell him so but somehow I can't speak.
All I can do is hold on to him and hope he understands what I am trying to say.
He smiles at me and his eyes are full of sunlight.
He smiles at me and warm rays of gold flow effortlessly from between his lips.
I try to talk again but my mouth and throat are full of seaweed.
John speaks for the both of us instead.

“It's alright”, he says.
Even in my dream there's a bruise underneath his eye.

The sky around us grows darker and darker as the sun dips below the horizon, pouring out her honeyed, heavy light into the sea where it gets swallowed by the waves.
I can feel the rising water has already reached my feet but I can't look down.
I am frozen in place and all I can see is John.