Bad at Endings.

Chapter 8

Maybe John's phone really had just been broken in the previous week because this week he suddenly turns into an outright texting menace.
He sends me messages about anything and nothing at pretty much all hours of the day.
The screen of my phone will light up and it'll just be him telling me he's just woken up or that he's in class and bored or what he's having for dinner or that he's just thinking about me.....
And then there even was that one message from last Wednesday-night where he texted me at 3 am just to say:

Can't sleep. Are you still up?

I hadn't been up.

I had been very much asleep.
I didn't even see his message until I got to school today.
I did text him back asking him if everything was alright but he hasn't replied yet.

It's actually pretty sweet.
To go from being ignored by John on every occasion except for these few brief flashes of intimacy we seemed to get in dark closets, dirty bathrooms and streets at midnight to being at the center of his attention.

But it's also a dangerous position to be in. We haven't exactly given a name to what we are to each other yet and that's okay.....that's fine....I get it.....he needs time and I am willing to give him time if that means that maybe there will be a chance that.....you know....
But what he's doing now.....it's starting to feel an awful lot like being exclusive, like something very real, like a commitment.....a relationship.
And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm just not sure if that's something that John really wants.
With me anyway.
There is something that's holding him back.
Maybe it's shame.
Maybe it's fear.
Maybe it's me....
God.....I hope it's not me.
I just don't know and I'm afraid that if I were to ask him, if I push him, I'll only end up pushing him away.
So we just remain like this.
Whatever this is.
Stagnant.
His affections only given to me when he choses to.
And, even-though he is not being stingy with it at the moment at all, there is still a part of me that's afraid that, eventually, he will stop giving it to me again.

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It's Thursday and I've finally made it to lunch-break. So far today has been pretty much torture. I haven't had any more messages from John after the one he sent me at 3am and I'm starting to worry.
Mindy and I have gotten to our regular table relatively early and so the rest of the cafeteria is still mostly empty as the rest of the students slowly trickle in.
The rugby-table is still empty as well and I keep on glancing over at it as if, by pure will-power and determination, I'll be able to just make him appear.

“Is everything alright?”
Mindy is giving me a concerned look. She's in the process of unwrapping her sandwiches.
I've forgotten to bring any lunch again today.

“I'm fine.”

I don't think she believes me. If anything the look she gives me grows even more concerned.
She takes a bite from her sandwich and a small glob of butter sticks to the corner of her mouth as she chews.
I contemplate whether I should say anything about it to her or not but before I am able to reach a conclusion the doors to the cafeteria open and a rather rowdy bunch of boys streams in.
It's the rugby-boys.
I try and look at them as covertly as I can but I probably fail miserably.
I just need to see if John is with them.
I have to make sure he's alright.
I just.....

And sure enough.
There he is.
John is talking and smiling and with his appearance some kind of weight seems to fall away from the pit of my stomach but I have no idea how it even got there in the first place.