Bad at Endings.

Chapter 11

My mother returns late Sunday evening.
I'm pretty sure she catches on quickly enough what happened between me and John on Saturday, my bedding is still on its last spin in the dryer and I have never done my own laundry before in my life, but thankfully she doesn't comment on it.
She just gives me this knowing look before she heads to her own room to unpack and head for bed.
Somehow that look is even worse than any comment she could have made.
I vow to avoid my mother for the next couple of days in the hope that she will eventually forget and not try and have 'the talk' with me.
And so that's how I end up at school insanely early the following Monday.
Usually I'm barely on time so I can avoid having to hang around the school grounds and its horrible 'socializing' that goes on before classes actually start.
But this morning I had to choose between facing my mother and her knowing looks over the breakfast table or standing around outside of the school cold and alone and awkward.
I chose the latter.
Obviously.

And it is cold.
Horrendously so.
I try to pull my scarf up past my nose in an effort to keep it from freezing off but all I end up doing is making my nose itch so after not even a minute I have to pull the scarf down again so I don't sneeze all over it.
Maybe I should have stayed home after all.
I could have pretended to be sick.
I'm not looking forward to this particular school-day at all.
Because I know how John can treat me now. I know how it feels to have him giggle against the bare skin of my abdomen. To have him tell me he likes me. That he likes being with me. That he wants to be with me....
That he wants me.

He will do none of those things while we are at school.
He might not even look at me.
And I pretend I understand why it has to be this way but I'm starting to realize more and more that maybe I really don't understand.
I just don't understand how he can be two people so vastly different at the same time and how he can be okay with that.
I might not be okay with that.
Not at all.
My breath makes little clouds that drift away in the air as I exhale. My fingers are starting to tingle and I stuff my hands in my pockets.
John had held my hand on Saturday.
He had let me take his own hand willingly and had let me lead him wherever I wanted him to go.
I know there are things going on in his life.....things he won't tell me.....or can't tell me or.....whatever......but I just wish he could.

I exhale another large cloud of moist, hot breath past the edge of my scarf. For a moment my lips feel nice and warm but once the cold morning has reclaimed the warm air that escapes my lungs they just end up feeling even colder than before.
I shiver.
It's probably still a good fifteen minutes before school starts.
Maybe I should try and find Mindy.
She seems the type to get to school early.
I look around the schoolyard.
There are small groups of people scattered around the pavement huddled in their winter clothing but so far I don't recognize any of them.
And then I see Mindy.
I recognize her by her long brown hair twisted in a neat braid that hangs over the back of her coat.
She hasn't seen me yet because she is facing the opposite direction.
But Mindy is not waiting for school to start alone.

Not like I am.

Mindy is standing next to Gavin. Their arms brushing together on occasion as Gavin leans in to talk to her.
Around them a whole bunch of rugby-boys has gathered.
John is with them too.

So much for finding Mindy to keep me company.
I doubt John will like it if I actively seek him out at school.
Not when all of his rugby-friends are around.
And maybe it's the cold that's giving me unwanted thoughts but deep within my heart there's a small icy part that's jealous of Mindy.
Jealous of how quickly she has apparently been accepted amongst the rugby-gang.
All because Gavin awkwardly said hi to her once.
While John and I....
For a moment that same coldness within me wonders if I shouldn't just walk up to them and tell them everything.
About John and the two people he tries to be.
About which one of them I like best.
Which one I wish he could be all of the time.
I watch from a distance as Gavin takes Mindy's hands between his own and brings her fingers up to his mouth and blows warmth and heat in the space between them.
Mindy giggles and flushes and he gives her a shy smile.
He says something I can't hear from where I'm standing.
My hands are still in my pockets and I can't even feel the tips of my fingers.
My frozen heart cracks just wide enough to release a memory of John's hands and fingers tracing every inch of my bare skin.
John whispering in my ear......in the soft skin of my neck.
John sweaty and full of want.....for me.....only me......and....