glow•° || skz || nonbinary Felix ff

google•°

If you google non binary, the first thing that comes up is:

"non-binary" is one term people use to describe genders that don't fall into one of the two categories male or female.

Good, so far. That was roughly what Remy told me.

I scrolled down a bit.

I was searching for a LGBTQ website.

They could surely explain this the best.

When we use the word transgender, we are referring to an inclusive umbrella term that consists of binary trans people (trans men and trans women), as well as non-binary people and people who cross dress.

Non-binary people feel their gender identity cannot be defined within the margins of gender binary. Instead, they understand their gender in a way that goes beyond simply identifying as either a man or woman.

I scrolled down.

Gender is your internal sense of self, who you feel you are whether that's male, female or perhaps you don't feel strongly to any particular label about gender. Gender is often linked to ideas of masculinity, femininity, stereotypes etc. Your gender can be expressed in a number of ways, some common examples include clothing, behaviour and pronouns.

If your gender is the same as you were assigned at birth, this is known as cisgender (or cis for short). If you feel your gender is different to the one you were assigned at birth you may identify as trans or non-binary.

I stopped.

If you feel your gender is different to the one you were assigned at birth you may identify as trans or non-binary.

How did you feel if your gender is the one assigned to you at birth?

How?

How ... do you know this?

How to know if I am cis, I typed.

The general answer to that was: if you don't identify with your assigned gender at birth, then you might be not cis.

Wow, thank you, google.

Then I found someone on reddit asking exactly my question.

I skimmed through the answers, until I found a good one.

If you're cis, then it's like you're a person without diabetics.

You don't constantly think about your blood sugar.

You never really do. Why would you?

You just go on, live your life.

But if you have diabetics, your blood sugar will permanently occupy your thoughts.

Same if you're trans - or non binary.

You'll permanently think about your gender (am I trans - or maybe cis after all?) or your gender expression (yes to skirts, no to skirts). You question everything concerning gender - whereas a cis person would never even consider those things.

And then they wrote:

The fact that you read this far may say more about you than you want to admit to yourself.

I read again.

For some reason, my breathing had stopped a while ago. My hands were trembling a little.

I looked at the screen.

Closed the tabs, staring blankly at my background.

It was a blurry picture of the members and me on a Halloween party a few years ago.

I stared at my face, into my hazed eyes.

I wasn't googling this for me, was I?

No, I was just interested in what mattered to stays. It was about them, not me.

I inhaled deeply. And exhaled.

Not me.

Stay.

I reopened the website.

I continued reading through stories of trans and non binary people and their self discoveries.

I didn't want to.

I didn't want to, yet some scenes flashed before my eyes. Scenes of my own life.

Me in the purple stage outfit a few weeks ago, in skirt and with braided hair, glowing.

No.

I wanted myself to stop thinking.

Me seeing myself in Hyunjin's mirror, covered in pink and glittery make-up.

I closed the tabs again and turned off my computer.

Unmoving, I sat on my chair.

Yes, I liked feminine stuff.

But that wasn't unusual.

Was it?

Me, wincing whenever someone called me 'male'.

No

I felt suddenly lost.

Everything was so confusing.

I thought back on my teenage years, when I slowly figured out I was bisexual.

I remembered how I always tried to convince myself I was straight, because I did like girls.

What if it's now like it was then?

What if you're lying to yourself again?

Because you're too afraid of the truth?

Everything got to much.

The first tears had already fallen a few minutes ago, sprinkling onto my desk.

A sob escaped me.

I started to cry, desperately.

I felt too much at once. I thought too much at once.

Me, as a little child, falling in love with every dress I saw. Me wanting to wear all of them. My parents telling me no, because that's for girls. Me saying, then I'm a girl now.

No, no, no, this can't be happening

I didn't want anything to happen, I wasn't ready for this.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, burying my face in them, hugging myself.

I could feel my own body warmth.

My irregular sobs were hot.

I didn't want to feel like this.

I didn't even understand what 'this' was.

Not me not me not me, I thought.

Please.

Not me.

I can't do this.

I just can't.

.

.

.