glow•° || skz || nonbinary Felix ff

struggle•°

I am nonbinary.

It made me still feel all giddy to phrase that out.

It felt actually good to know this huge part about myself.

I had started to try out more and more make up looks, loving every single one.

I also bought a few fancy new skirts, crop tops and even one dress.

I tried them on and styled them.

When looking in the mirror, I couldn't get enough of myself.

With the dress, though, I wasn't sure if I was a 100% comfortable. It felt like a step too far, but that could be just because I wasn't used to it.

Nonetheless, I was eager to try more stuff.

It was like an addiction.

And everytime putting on normal jeans and shirt with basic makeup felt a little worse. I was hiding myself.

Ripping myself in two.

Especially having to hide it infront of the members was hard.

With my bisexuality I was used to keep some things secret from publicity, but around the members I could always be myself.

Losing that wasn't good for my mental health.

I wasn't a person that could keep secrets for long. Or at all. If something bothered me or was on my mind, I needed to talk about it to cope.

Well.

I knew I had to come out to them. Soon.

I just hurt myself with putting it off even longer.

I was hella afraid to tell them.

To lose them.

They wouldn't kick me out or anything, I knew that on a rational basis.

Yet fear wasn't always rational.

Me not being a boy was ... huge.

I was afraid that it would change something between them and me.

That I'd be some kind of weird black sheep.

That I'd lose the close relationships we all had with each other.

Or that they wouldn't take me seriously.

This would be so bad.

I don't think I could heal from them telling me I was imagining things. Them telling me that I was a boy.

Gosh, I was so afraid.

So many bad things could happen.

They're my support system number one.

Them not accepting me would mean I'd lose ... just everything.

I couldn't live like that.

Hell.

Why was it so hard?

I couldn't find peace or sleep.

I was thinking and thinking about it.

Picturing every single thing that they could say, that could go wrong.

I played the whole conversation in my head time after time, contemplating how and when to say what, how to response to certain questions.

I made myself go crazy.

I was afraid that I'd trigger another panic attack with all that worrying.

I broke down sobbing randomly, everywhere.

Sometimes I was alone, sometimes the members were with me, trying to help me.

I felt like I was loosing myself.

I couldn't answer their questions of what was wrong.

How they could help.

Just accept me as I am, please.

I don't wish for more.

Just don't leave me, okay?

Please.

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