Eighteen Years To An End

What do you think?

Birthdays are special.
They remind you of being able to have joined this vast universe of ours in a physical form; a human body that you make feel alive when you first breathe, the air, through your one of your sense organs, that's the Nose.

You're reminded of the day when you're felt with bare hands or put on your mothers chest, or possibly, on the side of her neck for skin to skin contact. A Safer contact, than what the rest of the world has to offer. This is when, the light falls on your skin. This day when you're revealed to the mysteries of this world and what your life starts to begin with.

The day you life starts to begin, among the people of all ages. Good or bad. Beautiful or not. The life starts and is quite unpredictable. You might get attached to things. Living or non-living- refered to as, Objects.

I like to celebrate the birthdays of people i love. Like, 9th of April, July the 18th, January 10. I love to know that there's this specific day, when my dearest were born into this world, which, perhaps... could've left me alone otherwise.
Yeah, i'll let you know about them later.

Sadly, but not quite sadly, i never wished to celebrate mine. I might have thought of it a couple times and placed suitable scenarios in my head but i never really felt it was necessary...more like not needed. Unwanted, perhaps?

On birthdays, the presence of the people you love matters and the absences are reminders of it. Birthdays are filled with expectations and surprises; filled with words of affection and kind gestures. Life seems to begin new, food seems a better treat. Faces and embraces to warm you, with smiles or the hugs. New dresses or even sweatpants seem to rock, cause why not! Raw.

It's your day. You do whatever you feel like. And out of this all, what matters, is the place. The right place! You might be sitting on a couch far from home and not feel like celebrating your birthday at all. You might be working hours for your next project and not home to celebrate your birthday, so you don't want to celebrate it at all! The people aren't there; The people that make Home, Home to to you. It's the feeling of not being home.

Or You might even be home, yet not where you belong (Something like me). I feel very distant. So entirely distant from my beloved family. Now, how do I tell you that, It happens to exist that my family barely knows me.

My 17 years of life have passed and i keep moving on with a family either to understand me or not, i keep loving and losing...again and again. But Hope? It never dies.

What i don't to seem be proud of is being here in the first place, for I wasn't made out of love. Sad to say, there were people unhappy and not present when i was born and that, i can't seem to figure out why, still keeps bothering me. But what i have figured is, nothing can anything fix the void it has left in me.
This, indeed, is the most ugly thing to ever exist for me. So when i say I'm ugly, i rightfully say it. My appearance doesn't bother me, my existence does. And when i said Birthdays are special...i meant it.
Mine happens to be special too- It just wasn't a happy one...
Among the people that I've lived in, I've been harmed, I've been forgotten and loved because i was needed.

Your Birthdays really have a lot to tell you about your people and those are hidden within the details they remember. The glances they exchange and the happiness that refreshes your first ever day, feeling the fabric around your skin.

All of my seventeen years have not been in vain. It has shown me things that either i was too young and innocent to be prone to or too fragile to experience. Life is better when you're alone to it but equally difficult too. Harsh, but beauty in the scars can be seen and felt and something to be proud of. The wounds have stories to tell and yet the heart has its own way of getting hurt but not bleed.
I've felt throughout these years, loved or not, do not stop loving and spreading love. For if anything else is to hold and change this realm for good, it's the power of love. Love those in need of it. Do not underestimate the power of one who beholds it, it can build the things not created yet and it can destroy what hasn't been made of it. Despite the hatred to cover you whole, might not there be the light throughout, yet somehow the spark of love remains.