Eighteen Years To An End

Chapter 4: Is this it?

I do not intend to make anything seem different. Not the way I talk or behave, nothing has to be different.

"Giva, don't you think you should actually make Tania, a part of your podcast?"

"A podcast?" Father and Tania look at me, puzzled.

Maa looks at me raising her eyebrows, in question .
"I thought you might have told Tania about it"

/Why does that matter?/
"I didn't because, I'm not planning on doing it so...it's useless. Tania wouldn't be interested anyway, right?" I look at Tania with a hope that she'd make this conversation end.

Heedless Tania, sips water from my glass as I watch her and that's not my primary concern. I look at her with hope until she points the fork at me, saying:
"You don't know that. You could've told me, i might have wanted to" Tania looks at my mother, complaining like a baby, finally placing the fork on the plate.

I get a little closer to Tania, thinking she'll understand me better. So i place my hand on hers.
"No no, i just had a thought about it, but, no plans of doing it! I told you ma-"

Tania pushes my hand away as she cuts me off, before i made an attempt to speak truth of what I'd lied about.

"When did you decide that?-Oh! were the Gods and Angels all about the podcast?"
Her eyes widen at the inaccurate realisation that she submits herself to.
Undoubtfully, my attempts were infact, fruitless.

/This is the perfect reason, why I think my thoughts and my words are only safe with me and no other soul/

"Nooo! It's not, tha-"
" What's going on? What is it about Gods and Angels?"
Father cuts me off, clearly annoyed and his gaze is shield piercing.

I look at my father, a little worried and innocent and Tania speaks up...
"In her journal. It's the Gods, Angels and mankind. It seemed pretty much like a scene she witnessed nake eyed. And I, I swear to God! I haven't been the same ever since"

"Could you stop it, Tania?" I speak, gritting my teeth.

"So you were actually planning on it."
Maa surmised, making me lose my cool.
At this point everyone else is assuming without even letting me have a clear say about it. They're in complete denial from the truth.
"NO! I wasn't! " I yell again

"Would you let me have a word here, everyone?"
Father raises his voice, with his fists clenched on the table and everyone falls silent.
I feel Maa's and Tania's eyes on me, while i look down at my plate. Their stares aren't fierce or of disappointment. Their stare are weary. They think I'm lying
Maa, however, believes that i don't want to share a part of my life with her. She feels alienated from my world... But is it my fault? I can vent to her about anything but not everything. She gets busy with work or the chores. And anything i talk to her about, she lets father know and that's enough for me to fall silent.

"We are here, having our dinner in peace. Have your meal first and then we can talk about it."
Father chugs down the entire glass of water.

Father has something going inside his head, i can tell. He likes to be the part of a conversation at the table but this seems to have gotten on his nerves. Obviously, it's understandable. Its literally us on the table, making assumptions and surmising what's going on with me, but not ready to throw hands on eachother yet. Ofourse.
A dumb part of me says, it's because father feels left out.

It wasn't a big of a deal to continue a goddamn podcast that I've never really begun in the first place. I'm filled with anything but calmness so i speak

"It was just a podcast maa, that i had a thought about. And Tania, i know you wouldn't take part in it anyway. I wasn't going to-"

"Oh, Shut it G!"
"Father-"
"SHUT. IT. Have you not stopped living in a world of your fantasies and got done with your introspection yet?"

"Father?"
He knows, but nothing.

"Oh c'mon! I've heard you talk to yourself about Gods! And I leave you to it, but that does NOT mean you get to start a podcast about it."

"I'm not! Are you believing it, Father?"

"Yes! I do. These are just thoughts, people don't 'need' it. Plus, what else should I be waiting for? The people to call you insane?"

"Father i don't HAVE people-"
My voice breaks with the rush of emotions.
/Am i neglecting Ares and Claire as my people?/

"Exactly! That's exactly what I'm saying. You DON'T and yet YOU excessively keep having conversations with God knows WHO inside that freaking rooom!"

What do I speak of to him now? He thinks im crazy. I do keep talking to myself and that doesn't seem to bother me or even disappoint me of anything. I am what i need! But how can I tell him that? He doesn't understand...he doesn't want to.

"It was just a podcast...let's forget about it. Lets- let's just move on from this" Tania mumbles while eating and maa refills father's glass of water...

I have no words to speak. I don't know how to let it out. There's anger and soreness tangled inside my chest. I'm seeking cure but it's incurable.
My eyes are misted with tears and my mind has got lost in the fog of it's dilemma and suffering. A part of my soul is wretched. Nothing but a wish in my heart; Atleast hear me out?

"Be done with your meal and get back to your room and get some rest" he stands up and goes inside his room as i watch his shadow slowly fading off of my body. I feel like I've slipped from the hands of God that were meant to protect. I have sinned and it's like my skin is no more to keep my body safe but to blowout the flesh and when it finally reaches the heart, it will leave no choice but cause it to rupture.

Father doesn't hate me. He could never but his peoples' opinion seem to matter more than that of his own one. He didn't realise how far he stood from my soul, even if I'd still happily give up mine for his good.
A teardrop falls out of my eye straight on my hand and maa stands up to console me but before she does it, i find my way to my room without making any sort of contact with anyone else.

I shut the door and fall onto the floor with me leaving my hair open. Doing such doesn't make me look at anything or anyone, just me having myself. I slowly get on my feet, making my way to the washroom and close the door behind me... I don't want Tania seeing me like this.
I feel like screaming but my heart screams inside the little cage that it's in.  I'm my own cage and i don't know how to free it, that alone itself is enough a torment. If i could, i'd let it out but there's a whole wide cage outside, as well. This is as far the wildest and cruelest one I've come across.

As i feel the strength from my feet fade away i try to take deep breaths, holding my hair back. But It gets harder each time. It's getting heavier-my chest. I almost lose my sight and so i wipe my tears.
I stand up close to the sink, turning the tap on and wash my face but it's still blurry.
I look at myself in the mirror and I notice blood oozing out from the right nostril. I wipe it with my hand and try grabbing the towel that's hanging right next to the mirror and suddenly everything turns dark.
/Breathe. You're alright. You're alright. Love, were gonna take support from the ground./
My whole body shivers and there's absolute panic that i feel, but i start to tell myself that I'm alright and that, I've got this.

I kneel down on the floor that feel is wet. It's not so long when I feel my back soaking wet and my hands can feel the surface beneath.

/It doesn't have to be now. No no no!
It can't/
I still try to take a deep breath and  feel my body go numb. At this point my body and the floor were cold, soaking wet and stiff.

My heart aches and I cant breathe. There's pain that I feel the most in my chest and its tiring. I feel it so deep. I feel its here...

But I don't know why, I don't want to give up.

So, Is this it?
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Release me by Hooverphonic