Delirium

Chapter ten

Ayla

Two years ago...

Ever since I left turkey my life has become a rollercoaster of events , good and bad , boring or exciting .
I don't think it's the fact that I left turkey but mostly the fact that I moved to this town .
I don't think what happened to me would've happened if I moved elsewhere.
This town  is a magnet to action , drama and chaos .
This town comes with people that consider money as the easiest thing to obtain , people that don't know what to do with it anymore and end up buying any type of luxury in this world : cars , mansions , clothes...
People that see marriage as a business contract .
People that reproduce in order to carry on the legacy .
People that spoil their kids with money more than love .
Kids that are not taken care of .
Kids that grow in loneliness and abandonment.
Kids that later on will party and drink because no one cares enough to make them stop , who will ?
Their last name is enough to make everyone tremble , who would dare to come against them ?
Kids that don't trust enough to share their concerns .

Lana has told me enough about life in this town .
The amount of crazy things and gossips i heard of my classmates and their families is insane .
And the only thing that comes to my mind every time I hear them is 'where are their parents ?'
Do they care enough to even save them when needed .
I'm being too judgy , I can't possibly have such assumptions when I don't even know their lives .
maybe I'm just having a cultural shock and that people in America are like that even if they aren't rich .

though i doubt that anyone in here would attempt to burn me alive , and thats mostly why i have been overthinking about the nature and motives that would lead anyone to almost commit a crime , boredome ? need of attention or just pure evil?

No , Blake Ashford is just a pure psychopath who will be dumped in jail sooner of later . It is just a matter of time .

Furthermore , i am not friends with those people , i may be surrounded by them but im not friends with them , Lana is not filthy rich after all and so are her friends and the band members , we all come from families that work for them , we managed to find a home here , but we do not fit in their world even if we try as hard as we can .
Lana doesn't seem to care much about it , she just focuses on the things that make her happy : music , friends , fashion and poetry and her boyfriend of course .
But I do care , I do want to fit in , even if I wasn't agreeing with it the first days we moved , I do want to fit in , I do want to participate in their world and have my own story and place instead of just watching from afar .
But the last time I tried to do so , I got the privilege of grazing death .
Not the initiation ceremony I was expecting and I'd rather erase this memory entirely from my brain .
After what happened I'm having a lot of trouble baking , just the fire on the stove scares me , I can't turn on the oven either , I have been asking my mom to do it for me .
I don't turn on the chimney anymore either and I avoid any source of fire that I could possibly avoid .
It gives me so much anxiety and I end up panicking just by seeing flames or smell gasoline when I'm in the car with my mom and she's refilling it .
My parents have no idea what happened , my mom would freak out and feel guilty over it , over not picking me up and to let me go there .
My baba will punish both of us and be furious .
My father is not the sweet father , he could be though, I know he loves me and I know he loves my mom dearly but once he is angry , from work or from little arguments he has with his wife , approaching him seems like a threat .
I was never allowed to live plenty my life with him since he was so strict and so over protective , and besides he always wanted to have a son rather than a daughter anyways .
He had this urge of always controlling my every movement 'don't wear this , don't wear that , come back home early , no boyfriend , who are your friends ?'
It got tiring , it was in moments like this I would wish I never had him as a father .
But when I look back to my childhood, my father was the very first man I have ever loved . I would choose him all the time over my mother .
I was his princess , his doll , he wouldn't even be able to look me in the eyes and refuse anything to me .
He was my hero , my comfort place , my indestructible shield .
And now , everything about him is suffocating .
Is it because I'm becoming a woman ? Is it because I grew up ?
I wish he would just hug me and tell me that everything was alright and it will be okey just like he used to .
But I know that if I ever confess what happened last Friday night , there is 70% of chance he would slap me and yell at me for being irresponsible and wearing a short dress rather than pants .
I wish I could go back in time and find my father again .
I miss him so much...