𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐬

FORTY-TWO: god, i'm pathetic.

THE TRUTH WAS that even though things were going good, extremely good, James felt like a fuck up. And he felt like Steve could tell that he was a fuck up. That night after drinking at Steve's, he sort of messed up, and said they should stop. He also sort of ran out and rushed home as quick as he could despite being slightly drunk. Which meant he ran home.

Steve hasn't really mentioned it since or even asked why James ran off from him like that. He deserves an explanation though, yet James can't really say anything when they got to the Harrington's house and they sat in silence, well not silence, James had turned on the radio at some point and he played a Smiths album from his phone. "I love the Smiths." Steve says and James smiles, looking at him.

"I knew you would." He says and Steve looks back at him, smiling as he leans his head against the headrest of his chair. "Is there anything in particular that's on your mind?" He asked quietly, he had noticed. He found it weird. He hasn't even touched James since that night, out of worry and fear. "No... not at all." James said, a bit too quickly as he looked out the window making Steve more anxious as he stared at the side of his boyfriend's face, trying to read his facial expression.

The way his brows are drawn together, his lips are in a slight frown and he's staring at nothing at all. Like he's just... dormant. It kind of scared Steve. "Jamie?" He tilted his head a bit and the Hopper quickly glanced over, humming softly. "Yeah?" He smiles and Steve slowly extended out his hand which the younger doesn't hesitate to take. "You okay?" The older asked, just staring and James quickly nodded.

"Of course..." But he really wasn't, when he got home that night, had to pull off all his clothes and jump in the shower to take a scorching hot one. It helped. For a bit, he just closed his eyes and let the water fall over his entire body. Then he broke down in hysteria, sobbing and practically sitting down in the shower. He eventually calmed down and when he got out of the shower, he went directly to his bedroom with a cold wash cloth, got dressed into big baggy clothes and just laid down with the cold wash cloth over his face. It helped.

He definitely calmed down and he felt better the next day, but then he keeps getting them. These tremors all over his body. Or the ache he feels in his bones. Or the little flashbacks he gets in his mind. If there was anything James wanted more, it was amnesia.

Forget everything that happened that night, and he hates that. He doesn't want to get hurt enough to get amnesia, that would mean forgetting his friends, forgetting Eddie, forgetting his family, forgetting Robin and all they've both been through, that they bonded though, and forgetting Steve most of all.

Steve's touch is so gentle against his face, but he flinches slightly so the Harrington goes to pull his hand away and James grabs it quickly, pressing it down against his cheek. The older is staring, confused with his palm flat against his boyfriend's face. "I'm sorry... I--I kinda messed things up that night, didn't I?" He asked quietly and Steve doesn't say anything, but rather leaned over the middle between them, his brows furrowed as he rubs his thumb over his boyfriend's cheekbone.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about, nor did you mess up. You just... went with the flow because you were a little drunk and honestly? You don't have to feel pressure from me in that department. Sex is kind of lame, you know?" Steve says and James laughs. "No, I'm serious. I prefer connecting with you emotionally," the Harrington's hand went up to the other side of the Hopper's face, leaning closer and James just nods softly, sighing.

"Just... trying to understand where I found someone as amazing as you." He says, smiling softly. "I've been here all along, baby." Steve mumbled, leaning in to connect their lips. Maybe if Steve hadn't thought James was already taken, he would have gone and asked him out instead. But he wasn't the best in high school either, maybe it's better this way. Finding one another as adults.

James pulled back slowly and sighed, clutching onto Steve and putting his face into the shorter's neck. "I do want to," he grumbles and Steve just hums. "Yeah?" He says and James nods. "I just... I don't know," he cried now, pursing his lips together as if it could stop the tears. "It's okay, I understand, Jamie." Steve whispers while rubbing soothing circles into his back until he stopped crying. "God, I'm pathetic," he pulls away, covering his face.

"No, you're not..." Steve puts a hand to the side of his head down, softly running his fingers through his hair as James pulls his hands away. "You'll work through it and I'll help in any way I can, be there to hold you, or not hold you, even giving you space, I don't mind, at all. If you have to tell me to get out of your face, by all means, do it." He says and James sighs. "I... want to, like all the time, like cuddle, and kiss, and hug, and stuff. But then suddenly..." He paused then turned away, sighing.

"I feel so out of place out of nowhere, I get this weird itch I can't scratch away and I feel terrible, like nothing can fix it sometimes." He whispers and Steve nods softly, tilting his head to the side a bit. "We can set boundaries, you can set boundaries, I really don't mind, James." He says and the Hopper glanced over, sighing before grabbing his hand gently.

"Thanks... for being understanding."

"Don't thank the bare minimum..." Steve said with a scrunched up look and James squints his eyes at him. "You have a point." He whispers and Steve chuckled. "Can I kiss you?" He said quietly and leaned his head forward a bit as the taller smiles faintly. "I can never say no to a kiss with Steve Harrington." He leans closer and the shorter giggles.

Their kiss deepens as Steve leaned closer and closer with his fingers tangling in James' hair. James pulls back suddenly, "I have a couple thoughts." He says and Steve raised his brows. "Okay?" He says and James softly pants out, glancing down at his lips. "I have a couple of ideas. But we can work on them after, when I figure my shit out." He said then pecked him on the lips gently. "For now, I have ideas on how we can spend all our free time now that Scoops died." He says and Steve is curious now. "Yeah, like what?" He asked.

"Movies all day, in a nice air conditioned room with, uh, root beer floats and some pizza." James looks at him, smiling and Steve smiled back. "Luckily I have all of that! What a coincidence, right?" He asked and James laughs, leaning over once more to give him one more long lasting peck before pulling away. "You have some clothes I can burrow?" He asked as they got out the vehicle.

authors note
root beer floats are so good... anyways i might end this at 50 chapters or so.
actually nvm i kinda want to edit it at chapter 68 just so when you're checking out the fic description it says 69 parts lols

+ i'm gonna start updating daily at one specific hour, or try to at least. scheduled updates will keep me more organized